sisters of the moon (stevie nicks)

julia

"when i run through your door,
I am free from my slavery."

it was really about the struggle i felt inside. the feeling of being so unconfident in who i was. i couldn't face that who i loved really wasn't what was considered normal, and being in the public eye didn't help my nervousness. i thought maybe everyone would accept me, but i couldn't be certain. and it was in my uncertainty that i kept my secret, sharing it only in my poems with double or even triple meanings.  i loved boys - i was certain of that. but i also loved girls. i was even more certain of that.

julia was one of the first. her soft blue eyes and gentleness captured me as soon as i met her. it was a warm summer, 1978. i was touring and she was helping in my dressing room. i was raw after lindsey, as i would be for a long time. but with her it all went away.
i visited her home, after the tour was over. it was a friendly thing to start with but gradually it became more and more. neither of us ever said anything about us. we didnt want the spell to be broken.
she was just as scared as me, i think, but a lot of the time a bit more daring. always making the first move. not that i wasn't willing; i wanted her more than anything and she was all that was on my mind, but i was just afraid. afraid she didn't love me really, afraid of what people would think if they knew.

i remember the first time that we knew.

I was on her kitchen counter, perched with my legs swaying slightly. me and her deep in conversation.
"your shows are amazing to witness. your confidence must be off the scale - i would never be able to stand up there in front of all those people!" julia laughed, sat on a stool across from me, a mug of tea in her hand. she had made me one too, but we had been talking so long it had gone cold. hers must have too.
"well," i smiled back. "that's very kind, but really i'm terrified. i get awful nerves before going up, every time. i think i always will. but i get so lost in the music, the crowd, it just... goes. completely." i notice that she's staring at me now, a small smile across her rosy lips. i say nothing and stare back. i notice the straight slant of her nose. how the strong curve of her eyebrows fit her face so... perfectly. her eyes glisten in the light, and i notice flecks of dark blue amongst the ice blue.
i slide slowly down from the counter, until i'm standing just in front of her. she rises gradually, growing to be an inch or two above me. still our eyes are locked.
"my nerves are back again." i whisper and her mouth curls upwards into a smile. i have never seen anyone look at me like this with it feeling so right. maybe not even lindsey. all i could think about was her. her straight brown hair, those eyes... and her lips against mine. she was so gentle, so careful with me, as if i'd break with a breath. i felt tears form in my eyes and i blinked to let them fall. i lifted my arms to around her neck and deepened the kiss, pushing julie backwards and pushing the stool out of the way. she had her hands in my hair now, and although i hated when people touched it, with her i didn't want her hands to leave it alone.
i had no idea my feelings towards her were really this. around her i tended to flirt, but i put it down as joking and nothing more. this made so much more sense. and as we kissed, the feelings i had so deeply misinterpreted up until now flourished and bloomed and grew. and i could only hope it was the same for her.