Tevun-Krus #35 - Best of '16

My Name Is @Zayn - A Short Story by @MadMikeMarsbergen

"I can't do it, Troye. Not even with the Losers." The Losers was the name of my backing band. At concerts, they played offstage, where no one could see them.

"Need those good-for-nothing, talentless punks replaced, do ya, Zoyn? Haha! I'll get right on it, babe! You're a star, Zoyn! Oh and, babe, how's this for a song title? 'Zany Like A Zoyn'? Brilliant, huh, mate?"

"'Zany Like A Zayn' might be better."

"Name change, huh, Zoyn? Maybe in a few years or so, you bloody madman, when you're not topping the charts! Or should I say, 'chopping the tarts,' eh?" Troye winked and elbowed me in the chest. "Love you, Zoyn, babe!" He checked his watchless wrist and said, "Oi, Zoyn, baby, the hit single came through just in time! Brilliant stuff as always, mate!" Troye strutted off, winking and firing finger-pistols at passing men.

I gave my head a shake and left the hotel.

3

Out in the street, I looked both ways before crossing. Everywhere I looked, advertisements about my apparently new hit single, "Zany Like A Zoyn," appeared on the walls, alongside my beautiful, digitally designed and 3D-printed face. I told my circuits to randomly rearrange my facial features, and when that was done I continued walking.

Now nobody would recognize me.

Now no girls would use me for my fame, fortune or face.

Unfortunately, now that I looked like someone who wasn't a celebrity, the WattCops stopped me.

"How's it goin', bud?" a fat one named Officer MacPudge asked me. He was smacking the barrel of his shotgun into his palm.

I muttered "Good..." and tried to get past them.

"Oh, woah, woah," a skinny one named Officer Thinsky said, readying his stun gun. "Not so fast, friend. Where do ya think you're goin'? What's the hurry? Don't you see the orange W on our chests?" He pointed at the Wattpad logo. "That means we get to dehumanize you and make your life a living hell. Legally, of course," he quickly added.

"Sorry, but I really must be going."

"Well, gee," MacPudge said. "Isn't that unfortunate, 'cause I was told you had a date with Gunny!" He swung the butt of his shotgun and I dodged out of its arc.

"Dancer, eh?" Thinsky said. "Dance out of this!" He shot his stun gun at me. The electrode darts attached to my arm. My internal voltage was too high and the electricity ended up being redirected through the darts' cables, back to the stun gun. It exploded in Thinsky's hand and took off a few of his fingers. "Ow!" he screamed, sucking on his bleeding stumps. Tears streaming down his cheeks, wincing, he tried to wrap his wounded hand in his black shirt.

MacPudge was radioing to HQ. "Illegal robot, illegal robot! Need backup! Officer down! I repeat, Officer Rails Thinsky is down and wounded!"

"I'm not illegal," I told him, rearranging my face back to normal. "I'm Zayn! My name is Zayn!"

"Illegal robot illegally impersonating Zayn! Send backup now!"

At this point, Thinsky was on the ground, sobbing softly. His skin was grey and he seemed close to death. "Piggy..." he whispered. "Hey... Piggster..."