Let You Go { Luhan Fanfic }

"Am I disturbing you or something?" Said she.

I answered quickly, "Oh no, no, no. It's fine. I think it's a good idea for you to stay with me. You know, girl bonding." Then I smiled. 

I'm here in China with my whole family since it's Summer vacation and it's my first time here, if you'd ask me. And yes, got that 'half-half' something in my bloodstream. I think it's a good thing because my Lulu is a pure Chinese and I thought maybe there's a chance for me to hook up with him but man, this friend I have on my side got my tower of hopes all crashin' and--sht. Whatever. At least they're not together anymore.

"Do you... miss him?" I asked, out of the blue. And in that moment I think I wanna slam my whole face in this white wall behind me for letting those words slipped out of my ever-so-careless mouth.

I mean, sht dude! I don't wanna have another heartbreak! I'm still not okay from last week's revelation (honestly, I don't think I can ever recover from that) and here I am again putting myself in another labyrinth. 

"Luhan?" She asked, for verification.

I nod as an answer. Like, who else right?!

Her eyes focused on the wall that is in front of us, "Not a single event made me forget him." Fvck.

Rest in peace my poor cardiovascular muscle. 

"I always see him whenever I close my eyes. I always feel him whenever the wind blows. I always find my heart beating fast for him." She said with dreamy eyes that I want to poke with chopsticks. 

I only asked if she misses him and now I think she's gonna storytell how they hook up and all--man, I wanna kill myself for asking.

"So you still love him?" My kokoro is already broken, what's the use of stopping now, aye?

"Yes. But can I talk about how useless it is now?" Fine, go ahead. "He's already an idol. A star. Someone I can never have, ever again. Someone who will see me as an ordinary person once he step here in China again. I'm an ordinary person for him now. What's the use of loving him, still?" 

Hey, can somebody please enlighten me if punching a friend will at least, keep my sanity intact? Because I don't think continuing this talk is a good idea. 

Fangirls, as possessive as we are, can do 'things' that will surely put us on fire after the deed is done. It's so hard for us to share our biases and sometimes we just don't. We will shut the person off or we will shut ourselves even if for the opposite side that means defeat. We often say that idols are public figures--public property. But admit it or not, inside our pretty little hearts, we claim them as ours. 

We all want them to be ours. 

But they can't split their selves into thousands of pieces just to satisfy our whims. Duh? 

But jealousy has its own ways of turning us into 'can't-be-tamed-beast'. Guess it's also love. Because obviously, jealousy can't be on its own without love as its accomplice.  

And they say it's not love we feel for idols. Damn, killjoy freaks. 

"You're not an ordinary person, Lin! You are his fvcking ex-girlfriend, for crying out loud!" I said out of frustration. 

Did you ever feel like you wanted to be someone else just for a day? A week? A month? A year? A fvcking lifetime? Because it's occurring to me now. I want to be Lin when she was still with Luhan couple of years ago. I want to be loved by him--and sht no, of course I won't let our relationship to stay past tense.

"For some people who know, like you, yes I'm not. But for him? I'm starting to be. Or I'm already an ordinary person." She dropped her back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. "I wish I could bring back time." 

"You better ask the panda maknae, my dear friend." I joked and I didn't fail to make her laugh.

My back fell on the bed like her. We lied there side by side, both staring at the ceiling. Both thinking of the same man.

Maybe there's a chance for me and Luhan.

Or maybe there's a chance for Lin and Luhan to get back together. 

The latter makes me wanna cry all day...

"So why did you two break up?" I asked her. 

I'm just curious, okay? I can't stop asking questions because I really wanna know. 

"Because I don't believe in long distance relationships?" 

I immediately apologized when I burst out laughing because of her answer. I mean, you can work it out. You can have long and short phone calls. You can text each other. You can stay fvcking in love even if you don't see, touch and talk personally with each other. It's the person you fell in love with, his or her whole being. Not just the appearance, the talks, the touches. You fell in love completely with the person--not with just those things I've presented. Sure as hell it's complicated and hard but you can work that out. You can because you're in love with each other. That's the key.

"If you still love him, you have to do anything to win him back again." I said after a long silence. 

"Luhan deserves better. Someone who believes in long distance relationships. Someone who's more patient than me. Someone who can love him better that I did." She looked at me but I decided not to return the look, "Our love doesn't deserve a second chance." The she got up and picked up the tray that was lying on my table.

She's ready to go. She have already bid her goodbye to me. Just as I thought I'm ready to continue my blog again, another question popped my readiness. 

She's already on her way out but she stopped when I asked her my final question.

"So how does it feel to be in his arms?" I finally said it.

She just smiled. 

A smile that is so gentle it will hurt to look away. She's breathtaking. She's beautiful. She has everything a male idol will love the moment he'll lay his eyes on her. You'll not doubt it if she says she's Luhan's ex-girlfriend. You would have to believe it. You will believe it.

"Pure bliss. Ecstatic. All synonyms of happiness, Erine." She continued. Still smiling while spitting all the words. 

You can tell that she was really happy when they were together.

"And I let it all slipped just because I'm so selfish. I wanted him all by myself. When he told me he wanted to be an idol, I never listened. I only listened to what my heart said and that's not right. It's my fault. He deserves better." She told me. Her smile almost fading. Her eyes became wet and tears rush out of it.

She turned away but I still have something to say. God, why am I like this? 

"I want to be that someone." I announced to her. 

She didn't turn around. Maybe she doesn't want me to see her weeping. I don't know. I'm not sure.

"I want to be that someone he deserves. I want to be that 'better'. Best, even." I said while looking at her petite figure.

I didn't expect her answer but I'm happy with it.

"I know, Erine. I know. We talked before their promotions for Growl, of course it's just over the phone--he said he's waiting for that someone." Then she walked away. I saw how her silhouette faded.

I closed my laptop because I can't continue typing anymore. I just lied there looking at my ceiling. Thinking if it would be a nice idea to have a picture of Luhan above so that I can see him whenever I go to sleep and woke on the mornings.

I frozed suddenly.

Because sht man. I thought I was the reincarnation of Sherlock but--

"Sht, was I not Sherlock now?! I forgot to ask Luhan's digits!"

fin.