A Relationship is not a game a toy or a trophy, a game you get bored with a toy will eventually break, and a trophy is kept in a glass case, so everyone can see it but it is there alone. I have been with my wife since my freshman year of high school, that's almost 5 years. Out of those five years we have been married for one year four months, and we have only just started living together. My wife I love her to death but it's changed for her. A lot of it is my fault, I started worrying about setting up the perfect backdrop to our life that I forgot the most important part, the actors. I was always so worried about working so hard I forgot what it means to be there for her. I was never the best boyfriend I cheated on her using stupid apps on my phone to talk to other girls, and yet she's done the same, we always just moved on and tried to forget, we never fixed the underlying cause of any problem we always tried to talk but one or the others passion would take over, that's when your partner becomes your enemy. She wants a divorce she wants to move on and honestly I don't want to, I'm not ready to let go, my heart feels like it has its own brain and it's trying to get her attention by my mouth can't say anything. I can't deny her. I lived to make her smile. I can't talk bad about her because she was my best friend, I had any idea I would run to tell her first, any secrete she would know. I let go of my other friends because I wanted to give her all my time she deserved that. Love isn't a game, I never got bored of her, I never wanted her out of my life, I married so young mind you I married her when I was 18 turning 19, I just turned 20, because I wanted more than anything to give her my life I wanted to spend every waking moment with her, I was so sure that, she was going to always be there for me and take my side through it all. Love is more like well love, it does not just stop. People can't just turn it off, it's not like a television where you can just mute it and ignore it because you know it's there. I love my wife, I know I do because the biggest test of love is not buying anything is not providing it is not a new car or a new ring it's not money it's when they are leaving you and you look at them and say "I still love you" but you don't say it to them. Love is feeling the pain when they say they are done, and making sure they don't feel the same way you do. My parents divorced it was ugly. Our Daughter is only 2 but I will never make her feel the way my parents made me feel, seeing them go from loving to hate was the worst thing to see, because I thought it was my fault. I don't know how my parents could hate the person you once loved. In all honesty love is not supposed to be hard, love is putting that person on a scale and that person know that matter more than anything else in this world that, they are your world.
Love hurts, it worse than breaking a bone or a kick to testes. I cared so much I spend so much time looking at myself wondering why, is it someone else?, is the fact I don't wake up early? Is it I don't make enough? It hurts to look at this person who you made in to your world to slowly not look at you anymore, kiss you, hug, laugh at the old jokes you used to say, to not say your stupid when they hear your ideas. It worse when you live with them still and you sleep on the couch they sleep in the bed you shared with them. It hurts to look back and see all these memories the most, the laughs the giggles when you fell, the forgiveness when you said "I'm sorry I forgot. You never really think about these things when your with the person, but you do when you're losing them. I keep to myself I feel like every day I'm walking that I am missing something, I am a little missing his blanket, I am now the artist without inspiration, I am the law enforcer without the drive to make things better. We can still do what is needed, but it's not who we normally are. A baby without a blanket will sleep soon enough an artist will draw a piece but no one will see it, and the officer can help you but he won't do it like a life depended on it. I am a man without his heart, I've become a shell, empty, shallow. It sucks to think back to how we started.
I've have read all of her stories listen to all of her problems, hugged whenever she wanted, I looked up to her more than she's ever looked up to me, I've crumbled and cried and lost who I really was, the person I became is the person who she fell in love with, this person is not me.
Love is looking at the person right now and seeing the future, love is abusive, like strict parent who demands you man up and make things right. Love is not trophy to show off your friends, or peers, love what you did to get the trophy the hard work, the dedication, the passion, learning from the past to make the future better. Love is not a contest it the idea it's the feeling of warmth the feeling of giving your all, till there is nothing left to give, it is to do anything and everything to make that person's life better.
Do I love me?
No I hate me.
Do I love her?
Yes I know I do, because I hate this feeling of dread over my head 24/7, I love her because I won't let her feel like she is alone, because I hate being alone. I won't let her feel like she wasn't good enough, because in all reality I wasn't. My love for her won't stop the day the judge gives our divorce papers.
True love is feeling the pain before they do, and doing anything possible to not let them feel it to, not because you want to protect them or make yourself feel macho-macho, but because you don't want them to feel sad or hurt or mad, you live to make them happy.
Love is true Bliss. The feeling you get when you remember the funny thing they used to do. The past is the past but the past is where you met them, the past is when you first understood you loved them. The Past is never gone. The good, the bad it's all there, but so were they.
My dear abused panda, when we met you had your cuts on your thighs and ripped sleeves. Now that I see you, I see I did the same. You made a place that was meaningless in to a place of great worth, I saw you and saw the beauty of you that isn't just your body it was your mind, I still grateful.
I am grateful for many things but the main thing I am grateful is my panda, savior, my soon to be ex-wife. Thank you my healing panda. Soon you won't be my panda anymore but I am happy to have had you by my side.
I can't ask you why, I will tell you I love you.
