Fighting Myself

Chapter 1 - Flight Mode

When I was younger, I was constantly asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. My response changed every year - when I was five I said I wanted to be an astronaut so I could walk on the moon. When I was nine I said I wanted to be an air hostess, so I would be able to travel the world for a living. When I was thirteen I said I wanted to be a doctor, so I could help people get better. Although when I turned sixteen, I realised being a doctor was extremely unrealistic for myself. Not because my grades weren't up to standard, but because I knew there was no way I would be able to help people feel better if I couldn't even help myself.

chapter one.

"Good evening teachers, parents, relatives and fellow students. I would like to welcome you all to Hillcrest Girls College's class of 2015 graduation ceremony." My school principal announced whilst standing on the school hall's stage.
I couldn't believe I was actually sitting at my own graduation. I honestly didn't think I would make it as far as year 12, with all the trouble I had with my mental state during my high school years.
Sitting next to me was my best friend, Sabine, who I've been friends with since I started high school. She gave me a small nudge and a smile after our principal concluded her introduction, leading onto the formalities of the event.

"I'd now like to introduce the class of 2015 one by one, congratulating them on their efforts and presenting them with a certificate of graduation." Our vice principal exclaimed, after she took over the stage from our principal.

"Are you feeling okay, Aubrey?" Sabine asked quietly as she leant over towards my ear. She always checks in with me before big events, or when she can sense that I'm getting a little nervous.

"Fine thanks, Sabine. Don't worry it's nothing, all I have to do is step onto the stage, shake a couple of hands then take a seat." I assured her. "Nothing that will stress me out, I promise."

Sabine gave me a subtle nod and turned to face the stage again, awaiting her name to be called out. Even though I promised her that I would be totally fine, I knew deep down that I couldn't promise myself that. I constantly told myself there was nothing to worry about, because truly, there wasn't. It's just a graduation for goodness sake.

"Sabine Edwards." Our vice principal announced into the microphone, which was my best friend's cue to step onto the stage.

Sabine quickly turned to me and put her hand on my shoulder before she left. "I'm proud of you, Aubrey. This is it." She whispered to me before she jumped out of her seat and headed towards the stage. I watched as she gracefully walked up the stairs and towards the teachers on the stage. Her dark, chocolate brown hair was straightened and pulled up into a neat, high pony tail which swung from side to side as she walked. She had a huge smile on her face as she shook the teachers' hands and accepted her certificate. Sabine was so confident and never had a worry in the world. I had always admired her for this because they were qualities I just couldn't grasp myself.

Since my last name started with P, I still had a while to wait before my name was called. This was not good, because the longer I had to wait, the more my stress levels would increase. I didn't even have Sabine to comfort me because she was already on stage. I kept telling myself, 'Don't do this, Aubrey. You are fine. You're always fine. There is no reason to stress. Don't do this to yourself again.' But no matter how many times I tried to comfort myself, the growling in my throat still paid a visit.

"Aubrey Pendlebury." I only just faintly heard my name get called, because I was feeling sick to the stomach. And the head. And to every other body part I could possibly name. I felt dizzy, I convinced myself I wasn't going to make it up the steps. But I started walking anyway, because I knew I wanted this. I wanted to walk up the stage and graduate, I had been looking forward to this my entire life. But i felt sick.

I wasn't actually sick though, this happens to me all the time. My body (or brain?) makes me believe that I'm sick, when really I'm having an anxiety attack. When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, and when I had my first official anxiety attack I had no idea that I was stressed out, I generally thought I was sick. Until it happened to me over and over again, sometimes for no reason at all - then I finally realised my brain was playing tricks with me. Even though I know it's just anxiety now, the 'sick' feeling still takes over me and gets in the way of whatever I am trying to achieve.

This exact feeling is happening to me now. I managed to make it on stage and show a fake smile, but my chin was glued down to my neck because of the lump in my throat. My heart was beating a million times an hour, and my palms were uncomfortably clammy. Shaking, I shook each teacher's hands with my trembling palms and instead of taking a seat on the stage with everyone else like I was instructed to, I walked straight off and into the side stage area where no one could see me any longer. That's when I plonked myself down onto the floor, holding my head to try and make it stop spinning.

I do not have stage fright. Going on stage at an event like this does not faze me at all. I have no problem with it. I have no problem with a lot of things I do in life. But my anxiety does. It lives in my head and makes last minute decisions on whether it wants to come out and play with me or not. I can't control it but god, I wish I could.

Because of this, I try to avoid parties, boys - anything that involves me being outside my comfort zone. It's not what I want though. I want to experience romance without making a fool of myself. I want to drink and have fun at social events without wanting to hide in the bathroom. But Mr Anxiety in my head wants to pull me back.

Maybe one day, I'll have the courage to fight it off.

Hi everyone!
Thank-you so much for reading the first chapter of 'Fighting Myself'! Yes, this chapter is much shorter than the others, but I'm hoping it painted a good picture of Aubrey's character and how she experiences anxiety. Everyone experiences it in a different way, and for Aubrey, she feels sick and incapable of what she's about to do. I am building her character inspired by my own personal experience - it's a good way to describe what anxiety feels like. And just a disclaimer, this novel is definitely not all about anxiety. It will have a taste of romance (and steamy scenes!), the rules of friendship, and travelling through life as a young adult. You will get to read about Aubrey's struggle with these topics and how she eventually overcomes them.
Enjoy the story!
Jess xx