Pastel

Introductions?

What if people looked at me the way I could look at myself rather than the way I do look at myself? I look at myself negatively and that can't change, but I could pretend I'm beautiful and see my self that way, and that's the way I want someone to see me, but thats just an unrealistic wish of a teenage girl. Eventually I'll settle for a man with a low income job and move into a shitty home with a shitty fence that I'll paint white when he goes to work just so I can pretend that for once, just once, I fit in. I'll be expected to have dinner on the table and make sure my husband is the only person I'm concerned about, and later we will have sex, not make love cause I won't love him, and not fuck because he'd never be enough for that, just so i can do what humans are meant to do which is reproduce. And I'll invite the bitchy house wives and pta moms over for dinner or lunch and talk about how perfect me and my husband are and how good we are doing. And eventually the kids will go off on their own and I'll age to my prime. Finally while I'm old and sitting in bed at night, alone because my husband would have left me for his 20 year old mistress, I'll come upon the memory of wanting to be admired the way I wished I could see myself, but instead being looked down upon, the way I did see myself. And I wish I could say that's how my life should've gone. Because if it did my children would have their father and grown up like the rest of their peers. Instead I made it go a little differently, and even though I wish I could've been like all the other women, I stepped out of the box and lived differently.

I myself, Mercedes, am 14, hair dyed black, eyes faded blue, skin pale, and trying to survive.