Things

-words-

Smiling just wasn't for me. As you mature you start to become less oblivious to everything, including yourself. Honestly, I didn't care what people thought of me when I was about seven years old, but that little glimmer of insecurity stuck in the back of my mind like a stubborn piece of gum on your shoe.

Teachers and friends teased me about my lips. They were naturally full and frowning made them look bigger. I started to think I was different to the point where I thought people didn't like me because of my lips.

I did a beauty pageant when I was confident in myself, brushing off the little comments. In 2009, I was titled Miss Brazil Mirim. A modeling agency called my parents letting them know how much they wanted me. It was a few months after the pageant and I had gained weight. They reject seven year old me because my parents refused to let me diet. I was sad.

I didn't ever model after those days and put those disappointed feelings aside. I was then in third grade, the year where I got bullied ultimately leading to my panic disorder. I stopped leaving the house because of my panic attacks. My mom took me to the doctor and all they said was "anxiety." The doctor didn't do anything to help.

Friends and family still made fun of the amount of food I would eat and how chubby I was. It hurt my feelings. First it was my lips, then it was my body. I saw myself differently. A fat, hideous alien that nobody liked.

I started wearing makeup and straightening my hair in fourth grade. My attitude was cold towards everyone yet I was so young. I became a bully to prevent myself from getting hurt. On the inside I was insecure and hurt.

Everything went down hill in the sixth grade. I understood suicide and self harm. I thought about dying everyday, because I hated myself.

I could've killed myself that day the noose was around my neck and I was on the chair, but I didn't.

I should've.

Tbc...