Some Scars Never Fade

Olivia's Terrors

Olivia splashed her face with cold water, hands trembling, her breathing jagged. He couldn't be here, he just couldn't. She took a look at herself in the mirror, her face drained, her eyes wide in astonishment. How could he return after what he did? After what he did?

Olivia covered her mouth as if wanting to keep her cries from erupting within her. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be happening. How could that man be capable of coming back? After what he did?

"Olivia? You alright?"

Olivia bit her lip and forced herself to reply, "Yes."

"Come join us for dinner," said Mrs. Gregson's voice from behind the door.

"Ah..." Olivia looked around her as if the reply would be on the walls. She couldn't possibly share a table with that man. "I am not feeling very well. I will go lay down for a bit."

"Alright, is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, no," she replied hurriedly. "I just need to rest."

"Call me if you need anything."

Olivia didn't reply. She perched her ear on the door until she heard the voices disappearing. Very slowly, she opened the door and ran to her room swiftly, as if she was being followed. She locked her door behind her and took deep breaths. Her room used to be her heaven. Now it brought back memories she managed to lock away for seven years.

She took off her gown and sat her undergarments aside. Her night gown felt very welcoming as it allowed her to breathe easily. She laid on her bed and held on to the covers tightly against her chest. Without bothering to blow out her lamp, she watched her door intently, as if she expected someone to try to enter her room.

She managed to fall asleep. Not a single scream woke her up for her father was very well entertained by Uncle Bradford, he had so much to drink that he slept through the night. And regardless of her greatest fears, no one tried breaking into her room.

Early in the morning, Olivia skipped breakfast and decided to practice her Spanish. She sat at the desk in the library and managed to distract herself with practicing conjugating verbs. She was starting to enjoy herself when a knock on the door dragged her back. She didn't reply, she wanted to be left alone. She wanted to focus on her verbs. She wanted to stay in this world where the most romantic language of the world seduced her into the paper.

"My Olivia."

Olivia froze. She didn't dare to look up. She figured if she pretended he wasn't there, he would receive the message and leave.

But he didn't. "My beautiful Olivia. Let me look at you."

Olivia cringed at the words he so fondly uttered. It made her sick.

"You're not still angry at me, are you?" he kept talking and she wanted to run away. She wanted to scream.

"Olivia," he sounded closer, her back tensed, her stomach tightened. She wanted to move, she wanted to hurt him, but her muscles wouldn't respond. "You know I did it for love, don't you? I love you."

She wrote the verb for the Spanish word run, over and over again until his hand reached for hers making her stop. "Please don't," she whispered.

Bradford came to a halt and pulled away. "We missed you at dinner last night." At no reply, he continued. "You're going to get used to me. You'll see."

"Hello."

Olivia looked up relieved and rushed to the door. "Nicholas, hello."

"Am I interrupting?"

"No, no," she replied desperately.

"I was wondering how you were, how are you feeling?"

"Much better, thank you," she replied. Nicholas presence was very well received. Now she needed to leave the room. "I got a new book, I would like to show it to you."

Nicholas watched Bradford realizing that something was amiss. "I would love to."

"Great," she said exhaling. She walked rapidly out the library and into her room, Nicholas followed close behind. Olivia could feel the color returning to her face, she felt almost safe as Nicholas entered her room quietly. She grabbed a random book from her bookshelf and handed it to him. But Nicholas watched her instead.

"This wasn't about the book, was it?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

Nicholas shook his head as if he realized his thought was ludicrous. "Nothing, it doesn't matter." He turned to the book and flipped a few pages. "Great Expectations?"

"Yes. One of my favorites."

Nicholas looked up from the book and as he locked eyes with Olivia, Olivia felt he could look through her façade. Like he knew she was hurting, and he encouraged her to express her pain freely. But she shook her head. He couldn't know. No one must know. She faked a smile instead. "A story about goodness, love and forgiveness," she said interrupting his scrutiny.

Nicholas dropped his gaze. "Sounds life changing."

"It certainly is."

Nicholas opened his mouth ready to reply but he closes it immediately. "Do you consider me your friend?"

Olivia blinked in confusion. "Of course, Nicholas."

"Then you must know you can trust me."

Olivia felt her stomach drop. He knew. He knew of her disgrace. "I thank you, Nicholas."

He didn't seem convinced. "If there is anything that perturbs you, anything at all, you come to me."

Olivia took a deep breath afraid that her own tears would betray her. "That is very kind of you, Nicholas. But I am afraid there are some things not worth burden you with," she replied quietly. As much she wished she could find someone to trust, she just couldn't. The only person that she trusted was now a memory in an old photograph. Jacob always knew how to distract her when those memories came flooding back leaving her breathless. And she missed him like never before.