Angry ramblings, don't bother reading.

Don't.

Honestly I don't know what to do currently. I can't make people love me, I can't even make them like me and not block me on almost everything, then everything whenever I ask why they're blocking me. All I want is to be happy, but apparently the world has a personal vendetta against me being happy at all. It seems every single time I get something and I think I can be happy, it all goes wrong and not only gets turned on it's head, but then gets roughly fucked up the ass. 

My life in the past 2 months has made me honestly want to die more than anything else in my life ever. It's honestly hard for me to find a good argument at this point to not step out in the middle of the street and hope for death.  The person I was dating, we broke up, with what followed to be shit out of my control. Then I apologized to him, and things were okay for a while and I wanted to know if he still had feelings for me. Because if he did, then maybe I didn't mess up as much as I thought I did and things were still fixable and maybe in time I could. But every time I asked I got nothing back. I have severe anxiety which means I worry and I fixate on things and I get upset sometimes, what upsets this more than anything is whenever I'm trying to talk things out or talk to someone and I get nothing back. It upsets my anxiety more than anything and I have attacks and all my thoughts become this huge jumbled mess of paragraphs of destruction when I type this conscious stream through the keyboard of my phone. Much to the detriment of my life, when I get nothing back from him these streams of my anxiety go through the phone and I don't know what to do. So far as typing this I've not heard anything from him in over 2 weeks. I don't know what to do. On top of all that, his best friend blocked me on everything. Almost everything but then everything whenever I asked why he blocked me. So my anxiety freaked out and I can't keep in this state of misery about them. So I left a voicemail for my ex and said for him to call me by today or I'm gonna block him on everything. It's almost 10 and he's not called, so he's probably not going to. So maybe I'll make my own closure if I can stick to my own guns. 

On top of that, there's the fact that my parents, who are the reason for all this anxiety from years of emotional abuse, and then physical abuse. I'm supposed to magically be okay because they apologized, but I'm not. Then again if they don't take their shit out on me maybe they'll take it out on my sister, which is worse so I've gotta go home or call so they can take it out on me and then I'll just be sad wherever I go. I don't want to go home but I don't know what else to do, other than wallow in my own self-pity in my room or try to hang out with friends when I'm not happy with them because they're all happy and are in incredible joyous relationships and in love. So it's either go be unhappy in my room, at home, or with my friends. No wonder I need meds so much. Then there's the fact that I have to go to a wedding next weekend. My cousin's to be exact. Getting married so close to Halloween, a goal I wanted so much for myself that seems will probably never happen for me. My cousin who's an absolute asshole and abused me when I was younger, who I've had to help and even have to be a bridesmaid at this wedding for. Then my Grandfather's in the hospital, he's bleeding internally, he's got stage 4 lung cancer and yet he's still somehow hanging on. I can't be weak though, not infront of my family. I have to be there for them because, I've spent the least time with him. He chose a drug-addict over getting to see me growing up, and once she passed away then he says he's so proud of me and how I turned out when he had nothing to do with it. Even still, I feel bad that he's going through all this and more that he's dying, but more on the fact that I know I should feel sadder, as sad as everyone else is, but I just don't know him so I can't be as sad about it as everyone else. So if I can't be like everybody else, then I've gotta be strong for everybody else. I'm the worst person for the job really, but maybe the only one that can do it. 

I can't keep my life like this. I want to die I'm so miserable.