Lost love

my love for you reached deep

To anyone who finds this letter and in turn my body, I deeply apologize. I had to do it. I just couldn't take the pain of life anymore. I just couldn't, any longer... I've lost all the fight I had left in me.. I just can't take it anymore.. So these are the words I am writing now... I am also very sorry to my family and friends who'll have to bury me early.. And also to the love of my life, my light that guided me through the darkness of my own soul for so long, the one who kept me alive longer than I thought I would be. I'm sorry I loved you more than you can know, but even you couldn't take this pain away.
I loved every one of you very deeply and it's none of your faults for what has happened... Do not blame yourself... I chose to do this because I could not handle the pain any longer.
 

   I sat in the back of the funeral home crying silently as the pastor at the front talked about losing people and the grief that comes with. I watched as many people went up and talked about the good times they had with them, they being my partner of almost six years. I still can't believe they're gone. I was heartbroken the day I went to their house to pick them up. I had knocked on their door several times to get them to come. But they never did, so I used the keys that I had and opened the door. The first thing that got me was the smell of copper and something else. The second thing I saw was the blood on the floor in the kitchen. And than it was there body, just laying there spread out on the floor with the pill bottle and the bottle of alcohol. I had known the they had suffered from depression but I had thought that they  were okay, that they would have trusted me enough to come talk to me if they needed anything. But even I couldn't see all the pain they were hiding and all the scars they never showed anybody. Mentally and physically. I sat silently as the pastor finished off the service with a few last words and then sent everyone away for tea, coffee, and snacks in the other room. I sat silently in the corner and watched everything that was happening. I observed and didn't really talk much.
   When it was time to go to the cemetery to bury them, there father came up to me and told me that it was time. We all drive over to there plot and watch as the coffin is slowly lowered into the ground. I clench the bundle if flowers I had in not hand and walk up and put them in top of the coffin into the grave with her. I grab a shovel full of dirt and throw it in top. We all take a turns until they're completely buried. It was a very quite drive back home as we were all lost in thought about them. I wave bye to there family as they drive away and I open the door and walk into my small appartment and lay on my bed and start silently crying and eventually fall asleep. This went on for weeks until eventually I started to get back into a somewhat regular routine of going to work, coming home, watching tv, talking to them in my head and falling asleep.
    I eventually forgave them and more importantly myself for what happened. It wasn't there fault, nor was it mine... It was just what happened. Eventually I'll be able to get back into dating... But right now I am going to mend and heal and perhaps I'll get home one day and not cry myself to sleep.