The best way to describe how I feel is fumbling in the dark. Reaching for something you can't see, or better yet - that you don't even know where it is, or if it's actually there or not. Has someone else gotten to it before you could? Did they take it right from your grasp? It could be anyone, especially your very own sister.
I sweep the scissors off of Lauren's bedside table that she left there because she was struggling to open a package that she got sent from Germany; it was some sort of teddy she received that she totally adored. However, she put it on Lisa's bed - away from the bear that Hayden gave her. It's dark brown with caramel coloured eyes that obviously reminded him of Lauren, it has a huge bow on it's head, a light pink one with hearts patterned acrossj it, making me feel sick on the inside. How could he love someone like her?
Why couldn't he love me?
I feel the scissors slip into the fluff of the bear before I can even really process it, and again, and again. The fluff is everywhere, running through strands of my hair and flying around me - I have to be careful about not inhaling any of it, especially with how much I'm panting out of fury.
I feel my eyes beat upon Lauren's bed, the scissors now finding themselves in her mattress. I can't help it, I've lost control. But the feeling I'm getting from all of this is amazing, tearing through fabric and pain at the same time. It's like a physical release for all of my negative emotions.
Adrenaline is pumping through my veins, I can hear my heart trying to escape my chest with how fast it's pounding. I feel like I could just break through everything that I've been taught - and maybe I already have. Maybe this is what the feeling is. Maybe all I've been doing is destroying myself.
No.
That can't be true.
This isn't my fault.
It's Lauren's fault.
It's their fault. They didn't do anything. They're just as guilty as she should be.
I quickly spring away from her bed, of course landing on feet for once - normally I would fall over and make a huge noise that would draw so much attention to myself, but thankfully this time - I don't.
My eyes connect with the bedroom door, letting me note all of the pictures plastered on it. There's so many of us together, so many memories that all three of us have. Lisa has more pictures with Hudson than any of us girls; always smiling and doing some lovey-dovey, pure things like holding hands, or him carrying her as they walk, or even her kissing him on the cheek. Up At Night, was actually written for Hudson. Lisa had the biggest crush on him for some time; and at first I thought it was somewhat creepy to have such a huge infatuation on someone, but then I realised that Nick and Christina started out that way too. And all of this reminds me of Lauren and Hayden.
And that's where my eyes fall next.
Lauren's arm is draped around Hayden's waist, and his gorgeous, big brown eyes fall on her face, a huge smile plastered on his own as he laughs - probably at something sarcastic and dry she said. His eyes sparkle as I notice her eyes do too, a gleam in them that I've never seen before which makes my stomach swirl as if I'm falling.
I feel my grip tighten on the scissors before I feel myself immediately drag the blade straight down the middle of the picture, cutting of Lauren and Hayden's intimacy.
Breathing heavily, I see another one - Hayden is kissing her cheek this time and Lauren's eyes are squeezed shut, but she has a huge smile that seems to glow in the picture. I can't help but do exactly the same thing as I did to the other picture - feeling a strong, stabbing pain in my chest. I have no idea how I'm meant to handle these types of emotions. Is it normal to hate your sister this much?
"Dan, you okay in there?" I hear Emma's voice ask, as I drop the scissors, letting them fall flatly on the floor with a thud, causing her to open the door - almost hitting me with it, but that doesn't seem to phase her. "What's going on? What are you--..." It doesn't take her long to observe the scene around us, her eyes immediately shoot open, glancing at Lauren's bed and the mess I've created before her eyes fall to the destroyed pictures on the floor. "Oh."
"I feel sick," I tell her before squeezing my eyes shut, hoping that when I open them - everything will be back to normal. Nobody will be hurting me anymore. Hayden will be next to me again, and I'll be wrapped up in his arms, just like I was before. "I feel really sick."
"In the head?"
"No, jerk."
Emma shoots her hands up in defence, as if she has done absolutely nothing wrong before she moves her right hand to my shoulder. "I know this sucks, but destroying Lauren's bed is totally uncalled for."
"Why?"
"My dude, a bed is a literal haven."
-
A/N: okay I know this was short but I'm really sick, which is why I didn't update last week! I'll update again tomorrow hopefully :) I also made a new book trailer, which is up the top, which kinda foreshadows stuff!
