FLESH covered LIES

The Appeal of Trepidation

It stood there, an almost sinister smile on It's "face", just staring at me. The way It's eyes burned into me told me straight away - It knew. It could sense my fear, It could tell that It had won. It knew in that moment that It had got me, and this time, I had no escape route, and no way out. This time, it was truly over for me. 

The morning was bright, and startling. I hadn't had the best sleep last night. My eyes were still struggling to stay open, and the drowsiness was taking over my every thought. Everything was a chore, I had no motivation, every step I took hurt every inch of my sore body. Suddenly, it was understandable why everyone hated Mondays so much.

The thought of having to spend the rest of my day at college may sound horrible to most, but to tell you the truth I loved it. It's the one thing I miss from before. I loved the therapy it gave me to sit and write in the warm of my English Literature classroom, watching the day go by in my tiny class of 12 other students. We had crazy theories and ideas for stories, we discussed the work of others, and I couldn't get enough of that positive atmosphere that relaxed me until I could completely forget about the nagging social anxiety at the back of my mind.

So now, walking through the college reception, I took pleasure in knowing that however tired I was, I would always be welcomed into my favourite class to sit down, drink coffee, and practise my journalism skills. The creamy walls reminded me of home, as I walked through the tunnel of busy students. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I hated to be around this many people. Taking a detour past my locker, I made my way over to 101, my English class. Thank God the door was already open, queuing outside in the hustle and bustle of college just made me feel more anxious.

As I entered, I breathed a massive sigh of relief. This was my comfort zone, this was the one place I could completely let go of it all. I could concentrate here, it wasn't like the library with all the hectic and intimidating students, or the bus where my laptop shook as I touched the keys. It was pure peace. Silent apart from the ticking of the clock, or my favourite music from my headphones on my down days. Silent apart from our endless conversations about our books. And silent apart from my own thoughts, guiding me through my writing. I was home.

I shook my hair from my eyes, and finished typing my sentence. My battered laptop lagged slightly on the last word, but I had learnt to ignore it. The Monsters Inc stickers from 5 years ago were faded and curling, but I wasn't planning on taking them off. I loved my PC. I loved the way it took years to start up, the way it warmed my knees when I typed on the bus, I loved its old keyboard, half the keys practically rubbed away from wear and tear. It didn't matter. I wrote so much, I didn't need the labels any more.

"What are we working on this time Gerda?" 
I jumped, and my red glasses fell down my nose. Chuckling, I looked up from my work. Mr Sed was sitting on my desk smiling at me. He was my favourite teacher. The one I felt I could truly express myself with. 
"I'm not really sure to be honest" I told him "Kinda lacking inspiration at the moment"
And I wasn't lying. Ever since I had finished my last short novella, I had really been stuck for words. I had always been into Romance, maybe because I never got any love myself. And no I'm not begging for attention, quite frankly I like to keep to myself. I loved to stick to my own Romantic fantasies in this period of my life. But then, that was before Horror became everything to me, not just in my hobbies and pastimes, but in my own experiences too. 

"Well," He started, practically hopping off the desk. "At the moment we are meant to be studying the horror section and I know that's not really your style..."
"No." I said frowning. "It's really not"
"Look at it this way" He started, and made his way over to the blackboard. He began to rub off endless sketches of characters and quotations from it while he spoke. "Horror isn't my favourite genre either, but it certainly touches readers in a way others just can't."
I tried to focus on what he was saying, even though for once I had no interest in his ideas.
"You look at say... Horror slasher TV series. They always have those cliche styles, murder behind the door, old house, once inhabited by a killer, a typical teenage girl gets murdered, honestly I could go on. Yet still, still they manage to have our attention, you following?" 
I nod, and now I am honestly intrigued.
"Its the spooks." 
I had no idea what my teacher was talking about. I shook my head in disbelief. Laughing again I replied with "...what?" 
"They just... scare you Gerda. When they create that suspense so much, everything just leads up to that moment, that dramatic reveal." There was passion in his eyes, he really seemed to care about this. This was the man I had seen fangirling over kittens in a short manga I had once made. And yet here we were and I was watching him grow excited for something I didn't even know he wished to be exposed to.

I nodded and continued his explanation, "And when they do that, it all just unfolds. That pressure, that wanting to know. That unknown thing that make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck, all those cliches are worth it. They may seem like they are too obvious, or aren't adding anything, but they are. They add that familiarity to the piece, to build up that comfortable warm feeling of home, and the best parts of childhood, and then they take it all away with that final swoop"
Mr Sed smiled broadly, "Now you're getting it." and he gave me one last wink before heading over to someone else. I watched him walk away, speechless.  And that was the day I became obsessed with the thing that would ruin me.

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MeatyFrog xox