Between Lust and Love

Chapter 1: REALIZATIONS

And so the "light" shown upon her eyes. He was running towards the bus at around 10:29 on a sunny Sunday morning.

" God I hate this " purong inis na sabi ko sa sarili. As usual , tinamad na naman akong mamlansta. I pulled out a pair of jogger pants from my closet and an oversized quite crumpled black T-shirt .

What I hated? I don't know. I just felt like saying it to lessen the morning frustrations that I'm feeling. Magtatrabaho naman ako ng walang tamang kain hanggang gabi o kung suswertihin man ay hanggang hating gabi.

" Nice " sarkastikong puri ko sa sarili habang nakaharap sa salamin. Bakit ba kasi ang nipis ng kilay ko na kailangan pang guhitan just so it can help define my chubby heart shaped face. At bakit kasi yung lip tint na binili ko sa The Face Shop doesn't even help cover my pale small thin lips , instead it defined how choppy it is. I poured Johnson's baby powder on my hand and has given a fair share of it to the floor. Not even looking at the mirror , I applied the powder on my face to atleast help it look smooth. " Ito yung perks kapag di ka nag kikilay , isang hilamos lng ng pulbo ayos na" ngiti ngiting isip ko sa sarili habang sinusulyapan ang cellphone ko.

" 10:25 , Rox. " Without thinking twice , I immediately went out of my room and locked it.

" Freak! " I squealed inside my head. I was running towards the elevator when I realized that I'm wearing my thin–black-slippers which is for-sure-constantly-yelling-at-my-70kg-self-to just-throw-her-out-of-the-window like hey Roxana Maeve Morgan I'm of no use, so please I'm so tired of carrying your heavy load self. But I got no time , shaking my head I went down and ran towards the bus.

" Headset , music on and ignore the world" Gorgeous ang sabi ng bata sa intro ng Gorgeous ni TS nang mapatingin ako sa Lobby Door ng accommodation namin. Biglang uminit ang pisngi ko ng masilayan ko ang paglabas ni Benjamin Cohen MCkenzie. Maputi , matanggad ,matangos ang ilong na parang Koreanong hindi naman talaga made in Korea. May pagka-misteryoso ngalang.

"Oh I like that" sabi nung naughty side sa bandang dulo ng isip ko.

" Wag ka nga eh inis na inis ka jan " Nag buntong hininga nalang ako dahil ang dalawang pakatao ko ay nag-aaway na naman. Pero bakit ba ako namumula eh inis na inis ka kaya jan sa lalaking iyan. Pati ang bossy, kainis pa kausap sa telepono. Alam mo yung pag sinabi niya dapat anjan agad? Aba naman , hindi uubra sa akin yan. Pero aminin , ang gwapo niya talaga. I've been battling with my Alter Ego hanggang makarating kami sa trabaho.

Ilang araw din ang sunod sunod na laging puyat ako at late na nagigising. Well apparently , sinasadya ko naman talagang magising 30 minutes before the bus. Maliligo lang naman kasi ako , I have my jogger pants and shirt ready at kung suswertihin man ay makakapag suot ako ng rubber shoes kung hindi man eh kaya naman ng tsinelas kong magtiis. As if may choice siya.

"10:29, bakit wala padin siya " I was taken aback , bakit ko naisip yun? Actually hindi ko naman talaga dapat naiisip or na nonotice na laging siyang lumalabas ng pintuan to catch the bus one minute before it leaves. I have never noticed that I'm noticing it and that I'm waiting for him to come out of that door like the God that he is , as usual. Yung kahit yung Plain Blue Umbro Shirt niya lang tapos yung shorts na green at tsinelas na brown lang yung suot niya. He's simple , pero parang ang mahal niya.Pati kahit hindi ko pa siya nakakatabi my gosh feel ko ang bango bango niya.

And it doomed me , ang isa pa palang ayaw ko sa kanya ay dahil ang linis linis niya . Like takot ata pati putik na lumapit sa tsinelas niya. Compared naman sakin diba, kung malinis ako ng 80% siya umaapaw sa 100% yung kalinisan niya. Kaya nga pag anjan sya eh , gusto kong nasa malayo ako kasi nga naman I feel like reality slaps me big time . It's like oh honey He's just so out of your league. So , yun nga kahit super gwapo siya I just couldn't have myself like him. Not until this day , when I found myself waiting for him and felt disappointed when he never showed up.

" Hi " One word , 2 letters and it made my heart jumped out of my chest.

Good Lord , Nag Hi Si Benj sa akin. Teka , ano sasabihin ko? I'm literally in panic mode right now , yung pisngi ko ang init. For sure , epic na naman yung facial expression ko. And before I even say Hi nilampasan na niya ako sa hagdan.

Alam mo yung feeling na mag-lalandi kana eh , ng slight lang pero yung momentum na yun dun din yung time na yung awkward self mo yung nangingibabaw . So instead of smiling at him or even just saying Hi eh napa-smile ka nalang timidly.

Oh , well at least I smiled. Good job self , at least naman naging friendly ka but that doesn't erase the fact that you look like a crap and you acted so awkwardly. Baka isipin nun hindi ka approachable, siguro kasi nun every time na nakikita ko siya poker face lang din ako. As if , I didn't care at all pero and totoo nun ay sumisigaw na yung kaloob –looban ko nang " Dyeske lerd why is he so gwapo? " ayan parang high schooler na naman ako. But you can't blame me , I've been single for long and you know love is forever young.

Bad Hair day , this is how I describe today. I never had dinner last night and today I woke up because someone was screaming outside. Ilang araw ko na din siyang hindi nakikita. I even tried to go home early last night just so I can see him but to my disappointment I've never seen even his shadow. Mapapabuntong hininga ka nalang talaga lalo na at pagdating mo sa opisina ay may reklamo sayo at tambak ang gawain. Kelan pa kaya ako makapag-pahinga ng maayos. Been more than a month since I never had a proper meal. Buti sana kung pumapayat ako , ang kaso I'm eating stress and it even makes me gain weight. Stress ka na nga sa trabaho stress ka pa sa size mo, naku naman kung sinu-swerte ka nga naman . I realized , when was the last time I took a selfie? When was the last time I convinced myself that I am beautiful? This work is eating me but it makes me gain more weight. Damn!

" Rox " Shannon called my name and that made me drive back to reality. I was logging in my account while simultaneously opening the main email. This Computer really sucks I hate slow PCs they make me work slower also.

"Yes po? " I answered back without looking at her.

"Benj -----" I suddenly heard nothing but my heartbeat. Jesus! This is crazy , it's more than a week since I last saw him and I didn't even heard anything from him. I just see his user name sometimes in the system , just a mere username and it made my hand become cold as ice and shaking like my body is shaking magnitude 3.0 .

" Rox? " Shannon called my out again with the hey-bish-I'm-busy-af-can-you-please-concentrate-and-take-this-call? I knew she was quite irritated, who wouldn't? We've been working like donkeys all day without having proper meal and sleep. I gave her an apologetic look and took the call.

I heave a deep breath " Hi Good afternoon" I greeted calmly. I hope I did sound calm because I could feel my intestines churning up and my palms are sweating. We discussed things for over minutes , I never noticed that I was blushing a smiling so wide.

" So you like him? " Shannon asked me out of the blue. I couldn't even deny it so I end up admitting it. "Yeah, just a bit. He's just an eye candy" . She squealed loudly , jump out of her chair and held my hand. " Oh my gosh! You will look great together". That made my eyes roll , I wish we will , or atleast he will notice me. " No way " , I shyly denied . " Oh c'mon Rox! You are pretty " , I couldn't help but sigh. " Yeah my mother said so " . Shannon looked at me with eyes wide open. " Seriously? But he's handsome really. Go get him girl " . I smiled at her and went back to work.

As much as I want to get him , know I couldn't . He will never like me not look at me. I just know it. He Won't. But that won't hinder me from liking him though. I mean, I can just admire him from afar right? I can just gush over whenever I see him , it's not like I'll jump into him and kiss him. I'll just like him.