"Why, Mother?"

The Dream

Ed slept a lot. It was sort of a past time that he did. But the sad thing was, unless he was dead tired and exhausted, he dreamed. When Edward dreamed, they generally turned into nightmares, and Ed's nightmares were things of pure horror. His past sins haunted him, and these memories turn into horrid nightmares that no one needed to see, not even Ed himself. He already blamed himself for the things that happened that night when Ed and Al transmuted the creature, along with what happened to his brother's body. Why did he have to be haunted by it at night too? It ran through his mind's eye all day long, why couldn't he earn a break a night? One particular night was really bad, because when Edward woke up crying, it was because the dream was worse than it ever had been before.

When the elder Elric got ready for bed that night, he got sad when he realized that Al wasn't around. The younger brother was back in Resembool staying with Granny for a couple days to help her around the house (Winry was in Rush Valley tending to her customers). He was used to having him there when he went to bed so he could say the last thoughts on his mind. Being able to do this usually helped him when he slept, but Ed thought that he was so tired that he wouldn't wake up till morning. With this comforting thought on his mind, Edward drifted off to sleep as usual. 

At first the dream world was black, then it slowly drifted into a dark room, much like the one that they were in the night of the fated transmutation. There was a wooden table with chairs near the far wall, a cupboard behind the table, and some cabinets along the opposite wall. Looking upon the room, there was nothing moving and no one there. Then a single red tomato rolled across the floor. Looking in the direction that it came from, Edward saw his mother standing there holding an apron full of tomatoes.

"Oh, Edward, dear, can you please get that for me?" She said with her sweet, caring voice. "I don't want to waste one of these delicious vine fruits."

Edward did as he was told, picking up the slightly bruised tomato and handing it to his mother. Then she reached out and cupped his face with her delicate hands after placing the tomatoes on the round table. 

"Edward, can I tell you something?" She had a sweet smile on her face.

"Yes, mom, what is it?" Edward said, leaning into his mother's warm touch.

"You know the things that happened that night? The night that you tried to bring me back to life and failed, trapping your brother in that suit of armor and losing your arm and leg?" That sweet smile was still in place on Trisha's face as she said these blasphemous things to the son that loved her and only wanted to see that smile.

Edward heard the words that she said, but didn't fully understand them. He stared into her eyes and processed her words, his face draining of color when he realized. 

"M-m-mom...? W-what are you talking about?" Ed couldn't keep the stutter out of his voice or the tears from forming in his eyes. Was his mother really saying these things? Did she really blame him for what happened?

"Edward, dear, you know what I'm talking about. Your brother is in that metal suit because of you. You lost your arm not from sacrificing part of yourself to save your brothers soul, but as punishment from God for tampering with the cycle of life. Death is the end, Edward; you cannot be brought back once the last breath leaves your body."

Edward had never, ever jerked away from the touch of his kind mother. Now he couldn't handle her touch. It felt like fire grazing his skin, and her gaze felt like daggers of accusation.

"W-why, mother? Why are you saying these things to me? I never thought you would say anything like this. Please, mother, please don't hate Al and I for what we did. We thought that it would work."

"Oh, I don't blame Al, Edward. Alphonse did nothing other than follow your lead. When it was decided to do the transmutation, it was all your idea, Edward."

At that point everything began to fade, and then in a burst of light it was all gone. Edward opened his eyes and sat up in bed, a gasp escaping his lips. He was greeted by the semi dark living area of his room back in Central. His heart was hammering in his chest. He laid there for a minute, then all of the sudden a loud sob escaped from his throat. He didn't even realize he had tears streaming down his cheeks until he curled into a ball and began to cry so hard that he began to choke. He knew that he needed to calm down, and he tried to force himself to breath in a normal way, but he just couldn't. His dream had seemed too real. Does his mother really think those things of him? Does she really blame him for his brother's body? (He blamed himself, but that doesn't mean that he wants to hear it from his own mother, the woman that never blamed anyone for anything.)

The next couple hours that Edward laid there, he cried. He begged his mother to forgive him, for Al to forgive him. He even begged for Pinako and Mustang to forgive him, for they saw what was created that night. He was even screaming at one point, but he didn't mean to. He really hoped that no one would call someone to come to check on him. He couldn't handle people right now. No matter how much having someone there with him might help, he didn't want anyone to see him like this. He couldn't allow anyone to see him like this. He is the great Fullmetal Alchemist, Hero of the People; he has the ranking of a Major in the Amestrain military, he has the respect of military men that are ranks above him. If someone were to see him like this, his respect might diminish in the military. (Of course this wouldn't happen if you asked one of Mustang's team, but this is what Fullmetal believed.)

Ed found it extremely hard to calm down over the next little while. The contents of the dream kept running through his mind. Did his mother really feel that way? He didn't believe in God, but he prayed that she didn't. He couldn't handle it if she did.

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When the morning came, Edward didn't know how he was going to function that day. He was supposed to report to Mustang that morning to get a new assignment and be sent somewhere to look for more info on the Philosophers Stone. He just couldn't. He slept for no more than an hour and a half, as he had been crying most of the night. How is he supposed to go out and look for information? What if he got into a fight as he is accustomed to? He didn't even move the cover from his body; he just continued to lay there curled up tight in the sheets letting the tears flow from his eyes. A short time later (he never heard the door open or close) Hawkeye entered and saw the condition the tortured boy was in. She didn't say a word, because she understood what nightmares did to someone. All of the team did. She turned back around after looking for a few more minutes, and then quietly left. When she reported back to Mustang and told him of the young man's condition. He said not to bother him for the remainder of the day; if he showed up tomorrow, they were to act like nothing was ever heard of how he was the previous night.