The Oregano Saga

OUR S ON

After Nina finally came and got us all out of jail ((smh she took her fuCking time)) and Dan informed me of how he almost burnt the house down.

"he sat on the ground and sobbebed for 40 minutes about the pasta" Ace said from over in the corner with Kyle and Nat

"Juljuljul plz don't be mad at me im still sad about the Sad Burnt Weedy Pasta" Dan pouted, grabbing my arm and pulling me down with him onto the couch. 'Sad burnt weedy pasta' should probably concern most people but ive been dealing with Dans shit for 5 years now I just stopped questioning the fuckin stupid shit he'd say.

"I'm not mad ok but plz I just got out of jail can you let me use your body as a pillow fam" I yawned curling my head on his lap

"!!!!!" was Dans reply. I kid you fucking not that was his actual god damn fucking reply???? How the fuck do you even like I don't even understand how he did that?? What the fuck?

"Y'all are fuckin gross" interjected Nina

"at least I'm not a fucking emo ass farmer" I smiled at Nina, batting my eyelashes in her direction

--

I heard "Ace, Jul is your mum as well" and my bitch ass woke tf up so quick you coulda charged me for fuckin speeding I swear to god I am not that kids mum.

I sat up and pushed myself away from dan, crossing my arms and sighing "Dan, Ace is your kid NOT mine"

Dan scowled at me "you apologize to him rIGHT now, look how upset you've made him!!"

"D-Dad I don't care ive got you K-dad and nat, jul doesn't have to be my mum she can be my friend" Ace shrugged, watering a little cactus in front of him

"LoOk hOw sAd hE iS jUL ThiS IS UR FAULT" Dan yelled, throwing his arms in the air like the dramatic son of a bitch he is, fucking hell

Everyone in the room silently watched back and forth between Dan, Ace and I as we 'Fought' ((Really it was dan just being a fucking whiny assbucket))

"Ace I'm sorry" Dan smiled "for the fact that I cant be your mother" Dan instantly drew his knees up to his chest and started pouting, if this son of a bitch starts crying I give up sympathy I swear to god how much of dans shit can I take

"Jul that's fine-" Ace started before Dan RUDELY cut him off

"Look at oUR SON LOOK AT THE SAD WEEDY CHILD" Dan shouted, looking at me angrily ((As angry as a 6ft tall dumbass puppy child can look))

"Your son, Daniel" I heard Nina, Nat and Mary yelled OOHHHHHH from the fuckin other side of the room bc I called him Daniel.

"hoW COULD YOU DO THIS TO THIS POOR SMOL CHILD. HOW DARE YOU. LOOK AT HIM. HE'S JUST SATURATED WITH SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT" Dan went on, passionately petting the top of Aces hair in what I assume was his attempt of being "comforting"

"D-Dad seriously im fi-"

"YOU'RE OUR SON" he crossed his hands over his chest and huffed like a small child.

"Dan I love you really but I never agreed to have a child" I didn't want to fight with him but he adopted Ace with Kyle not me and like tbh Nat will willingly be Ace's mum if Kyle asked because shes already too busy fuckin busting her nuts about the rings he wears that she doesn't even pay attention to what shes agreeing to ((no offense ace she does love u, she just loves kyles hands more))

"Aw baaabbe I love you too, bUT WHATS MINE IS YOURS AND ACE IS MY CHILD SO THERE FOR ACE IS YOURS tOO"

"dAn that's FOR MARRIED COUPLES"

"HES O U R SON" Ace just sat at the ground in front of the couch as he looked on at Dan and I shouting at each other. Everyone was watching on awkwardly because dan and I never shout at each other ((Besides Nina somehow that bitch got fuckin popcorn???? The heck?))

"DAN IM YOUR GIRLFRIEND"

"HES OUR SO N" Dan for some reason was progressively gettin more fuckin frantic and wouldn't stop running his hand through that dumb hair of his ((im kidding its beautiful bby))

"IM NOT YOUR WIFE OK HES NOT MY KID"

"THEN WHY DON'T YOU BE MY GOT DAMN FUCKING WIFE THEN?"

"FINE"

"FINE."

Dan and I just both stared at each other with our arms folded against our chests, basically acting like stubborn children.

The silence (Hah) in the room was heavy besides kyle faintly whispering to nat something about a proposal and nat nudging him in the rib and telling him to shut up.

A..... proposal.... ,,, proposal,, , p r o p o s a l

My stupid ask just fuckin pterodactyl screeched at dan as my eyes started to water

"DID YOU JUST FUCKING ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, YOU ASSHOLE" I yelled, smiling like a fuckin teenage girl or some shit

"I,,,, , ,,,, , guess I did??" Dan replied, also smiling like a giddy child. I may be a heartless bitch but that didn't stop me from tackling his lanky oregano smelling ass and hugging him like my life depended on it

"YALLL im FucKIN PISSEd I cant believe FUKIN OREGANO BOI CAN MANAGE TO GET HIMSELF A FUCKING FIANCE" Nina shouted, slamming her head into the wall next to her

"you should be happy for them Nina, that was adorable" Mary interjected, looking at Charlie expectantly, totally trying to hint that she wanted to be more than "Just friends"

"Yeah Nina, it was only a matter of THYME before Dan proposed" Charlie smugly grinned at his own pun

"Dude you fucking made that pun already" Will and Woody called out in exact unison. That was fuckin weird.

The rest of the evening was spent with Dan and I laying together on this small as fuck couch, giggling and saying disgustingly cute shit to each other as everyone in the room groaned in disdain.

"So uh, Jul are you my mum now??"

"Yeah sure fine kid" I mumbled not thinking or breaking eye contact from dan. My fuckin weak romantic ass was so gross like literally im agreeing to marry some dumb punk ass bitch that makes his living from selling oregano to old ladies, do I hate myself is that why I agreed to this ((Im kidding ily dan ur the bomb dot com))

- Julegano (Spooky Oregano) @Punkbastille on the twitters

AHA I JUST GOT PROPOSED TOO??? I HAVE A SON AND NINA IS STILL AN EMO FARMER