Such Great Heights

Chapter 3

But there was no way she was gay.

No, she was just experimenting. Don't all college girls do that? Straight girls hook up with other girls all the time in college. It was common culture. She knew deep down that she and Lucy weren't just hooking up, though.

They acted like a couple. They spent almost all their time with one another—they were attached at the hip and inseparable. They held hands, they kissed, they had sex, they cuddled, and they said 'I love you' to each other. The subject of labeling what they were, however, would always lead to a fight.

There's a saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. That you don't truly appreciate the person's company and realize how much they mean to you until it's too late. Lauren learned this the hard way. Halfway through her senior year, Lucy brought up the one subject that was taboo for them for the last time. She cried, stating that she wants Lauren. That she feels stupid for wanting to put a label on it, but if Lauren truly loves her as much as Lucy loves her, then the label should be as big of a deal to Lauren as it is to her. She wanted to bring Lauren to meet her family in Colombia. She wanted to meet Lauren's family. She wanted to build a future and family with Lauren.

Lauren didn't know how to respond. She kept saying "I don't know" as Lucy begged and tried to get some type of response out of her. But as it became clear that this conversation—and this relationship—wasn't going to go anywhere, Lucy walked away. And Lauren never heard from her again. Lucy promptly blocked Lauren off of all social media, and any attempt to contact her was useless. She never saw her on campus or anywhere again.

It's tragic that it took something like that to make Lauren realize how much she really did love Lucy. It took something like that to make her realize that she does love girls and that it's okay. The connection she shared with Lucy was like none other, and she grew scared that she would never share that with anyone else again.

She tried to find it in meaningless hookups, but this time with girls. Even with other girls, there was nothing. Even with the prettiest girls who could have been considered models, the sex was empty and left Lauren more broken with each hookup as it hit her how badly she fucked up.

If she could have gotten over her internalized, self-loathing homophobia, she probably would have stayed with Lucy. She would have never volunteered to be part of this experiment, and she could have lived the rest of her life with normal feelings with her family. But it's too late to think about the "what ifs," and frankly, because of her apathy toward everything, she decides that she couldn't care less about the past.

Lucy is dead and has been for probably 150 years. All of her bad dating experiences happened two hundred years ago. Tonight, she won't be thinking about any of them at all. She'll only be focused on Camila.

Having a significant amount of free time before the date, Lauren decided to spruce herself up as much as possible. When they met the first time, she wasn't wearing any makeup and she had barely brushed her hair. Tonight, Lauren's hair is straightened, her eyes are accentuated with a dark eyeshadow and winged eyeliner, and her lips are colored a deep, dark red. She wears a long-sleeved black shirt and maroon pants, and black ankle boots. She's not used to having a winter wardrobe, as she always lived in warm climates, but she's trying to make do the best she can.

At 6:05 PM, precisely five minutes after the time that they agreed on over the phone yesterday, Lauren receives a text from Camila.

Camila: I'm here! :) I'm pulled up right in front of the door.

Lauren swallows the sudden nerves that have built up in her throat from reading the text and heads into the elevator after grabbing her black peacoat. The ride down to the ground floor only takes about thirty seconds, but it feels like thirty minutes as she begins to go over irrational possibilities of what could go wrong in her head yet again. The elevator dings when it reaches its destination, interrupting and stopping all of these anxious thoughts. It's now or never, and all Lauren can do is let the universe work this out. If it's mean to be, it will be. If not, then it won't. Whatever happens, happens, and she is prepared to go with the flow.