Just Kidding, But Seriously...

How to Kiss the Wrong Girl

Instead a plastic disk the color of the backwards "R" in "Toys R Us" did.

"Okay so," I began, surprised at the sudden breathlessness in my voice. I had been running a lot, sure, but I should have calmed down by now. I realized that simply talking about that moment back there with Gwen gave me the jitters, as if I were reliving it, every detail inscribed in my long-term memory.

"Basically, I was chased by a herd of small dogs because I had a goldfish cracker in the back pocket of my jeans because some mean little girl put it there on purpose, and so I got trampled by all of them because they really wanted it. Then-now picture this-I sat up after the dogs left, and Gwen was right by my side-I'm talking super close, dude-asking me if I was okay. Then we started talking about what the hell just happened and the next thing I knew I felt the sudden urge to-to kiss her." I paused for a moment, savoring Raymond's wide-eyed reaction. "And, well, I tried-I leaned into her, so close I could feel her breath, and then..."

Raymond leaned forwards in anticipation. "And then...?" he prompted eagerly, expectantly.

I sighed. "And then I got hit in the head by a random flying Frisbee."

Raymond looked as if he had been slapped awake. "Whaaat?"

I nodded vigorously. "I know!"

"When did this happen?"

"Like, right now! Ten minutes ago, at least. I went running over to my house to drop off Tinkerbell before crossing the street to tell you the news."

"Holy crap," he commented through frozen lips; his voice barely rose above a whisper-an indication of his profound astonishment. "I can't believe you actually had the balls to try and kiss her."

"Me neither," I replied. Looking back at that moment now, I realized that Gwen's presence must have placed me beneath some sort of trance-like spell, because I typically wasn't so bold-especially when it came to her. Usually, as was the case now, simply thinking about kissing her instilled me with the strong urge to diarrhea in my pants. "And I don't think I could do it again," I admitted aloud. "That moment we had back there-it was magical. I freaking saw pixie dust floating around us along with pink fluffy clouds. It was unexpected; the two of us simply got caught in the moment. What are the odds of that happening again?"

"High if you keep wooing her like you did today," he said with a smirk.

"Yeah, but-" I hesitated, unsure of how to phrase my statement. I sighed. "I dunno. What if she... doesn't want to kiss me back?"

Raymond's eyebrows peaked upwards in incredulity. "Dude, you are not seriously doubting her feelings right now."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "Of course not. It's just that Gwen's had so much experience with guys in the past and she most likely knows what she's doing when she leans in for a kiss. Me, on the other hand..."

"You're about as inexperienced in physical contact with the female species as a kid in an all-boys school," Raymond finished.

I shrugged a shoulder weakly. "Well, yeah. Exactly. I've never kissed a girl."

"So the class clown can make immature jokes about kissing, but when it comes to him actually partaking in the act... he chickens out like a little sissy." Raymond looked like he was totally judging me right then.

"I'm not a sissy," I defended, narrowing my eyes. Then I paused, considering. "Well, maybe I am," I admitted. "But this has nothing to do with me trying to be funny, I swear."

"Says the kid who still laughs whenever he hears someone say 'Uranus'!"

I couldn't help it; a chuckle bubbled from my chest and escaped past my lips before I could even think to stop it. Raymond crossed his arms as if to say "see what I mean?"