Once Upon a Time... like a really really long time ago in some weird place nobody's probably ever heard of...
There lived a princess locked away in a tower...
"One day I just know my prince shall come to save me from this terrible fate and save me overcoming dangerous obstacles and perils," said the really annoyingly optimistic princess.
Like seriously this chick's been locked up in a freakin tower for like 18 years of her life and still hoping for a rescue.
Funny enough this knight was on the way to save her
"Fear not, milady your hero shall come and rescue you. Now if I look at the map this way it should be the right way." said the overly confident and incompetent knight.
Following the path set before him, the knight ran into a stranger. "Oh forgive me my good sir, I am on a gallant and treacherous quest to save a princess."
The stranger looked back at him and looked at the knight up and down. "Good luck with that pal, oh hey by the way this tower you're looking for is right over there in the distance."
"Really? Why thank you kind sir." The Knight took out a telescope and tried to see off into the distance. "Excuse me stranger but you must be mistaken, for I do not see the tower anywhere."
"Oh really, well you must not be looking hard enough," said the Stranger. The guy took this chance to grab a rock nearby and knock the Knight unconscious. "Alright now let's see what this guy's got on him. Some armor, a sword, and oh hey the map he was gonna use to free the princess. Thanks a lot for all of this pal. Pleasure doin business with you."
Stars fluttered over the fallen Knight's head
The mysterious Stranger, clothed in the stolen armor he acquired, went off with all of his newly possessed objects. Suddenly a thought occured to him. "Hmm, if this guy was rich enough to carry all this crap, imagine the reward for saving the princess?" A smile came upon the Stranger's lips and a lightbulb lit up above his head. But for real because an actual light bulb was there. He was in a pub at this time when he came up with this idea.
After this idea the Stranger left on the Knight's quest to save the princess. "Poor idiot was holding the map the wrong way this whole time. Okay now if I'm reading this right, the tower should be right. About. HERE." The Stranger immediately walked into the wall of the base of the tower.
"Ow my nose!" said the Stranger. The princess heard the voice and rushed to her barred window because every locked tower apparently has one of those. She gasped and looked down to see who her supposed rescuer was.
"Oh happy day!" she exclaimed. "My prayers have finally been answered and my knight in shining armor has come to rescue me!"
The Stranger looked up to hear a voice emanating from the top of the tower. "Umm... yes I have come to rescue you! So... How do I get in that tower?! I mean it looks pretty tall from where I'm standing and I don't see a doorway anywhere.
"The legend states that only a man true of heart may see the hidden path to destiny."
The only thought that crossed the Strange was. "CRAP"
"Uhh, fear not milady for you shall soon be free." the Stranger said giving a faux smile. "Okay how the hell do I do this? he said to himself.
"Not that I'm not glad to see my savior, but I must question! How did you get pass the Tower's guardian?"
"The Tower's what now?" asked the Stranger
"You did slay the ferocious beast didn't you?" asked the princess.
"Oh geez" suddenly the earth shook and soon great footsteps were felt. a shadow was arising behind the Stranger. "This is so not what I thought would happen." He closed his eyes and turned around. Opening them slowly one eyelid at a time he saw a dragon. Standing almost half the size of the towering tower. The creature let out a great shout. "I knew my death would be soon. Guess there's just one thing left to do... I SURRENDER!!!"
The Stranger kneeled before the dragon in a pleading manner ready to accept his fate. When suddenly, the dragon opened his mouth readying to eat him, closer and closer approaching the Stranger. At the last minute this is what happened.
"Seriously dude, if you're not gonna put in the effort to slay me then I'm not gonna eat you."
The Stranger opened his eyes and was astounded to hear that the dragon could speak!
"Sooooo, you can talk huh?" asked the Stranger
"Yeah, I can talk. So you gonna just stand there and give up just like that? You got a girl up there to save you know."
"Yeah I can see that."
"What's going on down there?! Is the monster slain yet?" asked the princess.
"Umm, I'm in the process of doing it!" replied the Stra- oh who am I kidding Stranger is getting old. His name is Jack okay?
"In the process? You were giving up right in front of me." said the Dragon.
"She doesn't know that. And by the way if you care so much about saving her then why don't you do it?"
"Would if I could but it's part of this stupid curse deal. I didn't even wanna be this Tower's guardian to begin with. I was just waking up one morning in my cave when some knights took me prisoner."
"Ohhhh I get it. So if she gets free, you get free." said Jack
"Yup, so what are you waiting for? Save the girl." the Dragon gestured with his scaly arm to the barred window of the Tower. Jack looked back up and then another thought crossed his mind.
"Nope, not gonna happen." he said, simple as that
"Really, after this whole story you're not gonna save the princess? I'm literally giving you a free pass and you're not gonna take it? What kind of knight are you?"
"I'm no knight, hell I know for sure I'm not the hero of this story, fairy tale or whatever the hell you wanna call this. I'm a thief, I take what I want for me and me alone. I am Jack Elias and I'm the bad guy."
"What's that I hear, did somebody say they were the bad guy?!" asked the princess.
"I.. uh.. mean I'm the mad guy because I'm just so mad to face his Dragon." said Jack
The Dragon just looked down at him shaking his head back and forth. "Oh this is by far the worst rescue attempt I've ever encountered."
"Hey I'm just in it for the money okay? I don't care about what happens to this chick afterwards."
"Hmm, I see. Let's make a deal." said the Dragon
