Just Once

Never Again

Never again will I hold her. Kiss her. Touch her or feel her breathing against me. We'll never lay in a pile of limbs tangled together again. I let a single tear roll down my face.
Why her? I can't love her. I am supposed to love him because I'm straight. But you're not. I correct myself. You fell for Jamie and you tried convincing yourself that what you had with her was fake. This is all your fault. You tried so hard to say that you're in love with him for them but why? If they can't accept you they aren't worth it. But they are. No they aren't and besides, you can't fake love, Lainey. I internally argue and simultaneously agree with the voices in my head. I did love her. That's what scared me most. I made Jamie cry. Now I want to cry, scream, rip the hair in my hands from my head. I'm so heartless. How could I, she's the woman I love, so what we're gay, we're both female, so what we'll understand each other better...NO YOU'RE WRONG, IT'S BAD! IT CAN'T HAPPEN THIS WAY YOU'RE BOTH WOMEN! I DON'T CARE! I LOVE HER! I said it... I love her.
"Jamie..." I whisper then I scream it to the world. "My one and only love." I fall to my knees screaming, she's gone, she ended it because of me. It's too late. I tried to force myself not to care but I do. I'm torn to pieces. Without her I'm nothing. Nothing at all. Not an atom of me can live or love anymore in this wretched world. Goodbye. Music blares in my ears pouring into my soul and screaming through my pores. Screaming the truth. As I die the last words I'll ever hear come from the song pouring in my ears. I fall to the ground. My Jamie, I'll see you soon, heaven or hell and in between, we'll be together again. For nothing is a more true hell than being without you. Laying there I close my eyes and the blood surrounds me, exiting my body with my life. I smile, I see her already, in the heaven glow where she belongs. "SO YOU CAN DRAG ME THROUGH HELLLLL, IF IT MEANT I COULD HOLD YOUR HAND, I WILL FOLLOW YOU I WILL FOLLOW YOUUUUU."