Dragon Age Fan Fiction

I Can't Lose You

"Fenris!" I screamed, watching as the dragons jaws closed around his slim body, thrashing it's head back and forth, his blood spewing from its steaming mouth.
No!
My heart thundered in my ears, and for a few seconds everything was in slow motion, all I could see was the elfs blood in the air.
I had to fight!
I couldn't get to him, I couldn't fight all the dragonlings in the way by myself!
I was separated from my companions, but I could see them heading for Fenris, Anders magic shooting through the air, a light so bright I had to look away.
I had to do something!
I swung my sword, trying to cut a path forward, but I couldn't seem to get ahead, there was too many of them!
The high dragon was roaring, the sound causing the ground at my feet to vibrate, even bothering the smaller dragons around me. I staggered back, the ground suddenly shifting, making me yelp as I started to fall.
"Hawke!"
I heard Varric shout at me as I hit the ground, but I rolled quickly, avoiding the snapping jaws of the baby dragons after me. I scrambled, barely managing to get to my feet, whirling around just in time.
I beheaded the dragon as its jaws reached for me, it's hot blood splattering across my armor as it went sailing. I took a step to keep my balance, grinding my teeth, growing angrier and angrier.
I hated dragons!
Pretentious flying lizards!
I swung my sword again, seeing some of Varrics bolts turn one of the dragonlings into a pincushion. In another flash of lightning, all the overgrown lizards around me were dead, and I looked forward, seeing Anders concentrating on the area around me, killing all the enemies.
Thank the Maker!
I started forward, only for my leg to go out on me, causing me to collapse forward onto one knee, holding tightly to my sword to keep my balance.
Dammit!
I looked back, seeing the bleeding injury on my thigh, a clean slice right through my armor; I couldn't feel it, not with the adrenaline still coursing through my blood, but I knew it was going to hurt terribly later.
I gritted my teeth as I forced myself to stand, Varric already at my side.
"Fenris?" I demanded, taking the healing potion he offered me gratefully.
"He's gonna be fine, blondie's taking care of him." He assured me, frowning at my injury. "That looks bad, Hawke."
"It looks worse then it is. I just need a kit," I muttered, feeling drained.
Why did I buy these mines again?
Who in their right mind would buy a mine already infested with dragons!? Sometimes I wondered where all my sense went.
Varric fumbled through his bag, looking triumphant when he suddenly produced an injury kit. "I knew I had one of these left! Here. You're gonna need to use it."
"Thanks."
I gave it a moment, making sure I could walk, before starting forward, Varric on my heels as we rushed to where Anders knelt, blue magic blazing around his hands.
I hesitated as I neared, limping, staring at Fenris blood soaked armor. It took a few seconds for his eyes to open, but I felt my entire body relax.
"How do you feel?" Anders asked as the elf slowly sat up, all of us hovering around him.
"Like a dragon just used me as a chew toy, what do you think?"
"He'll be fine." Anders scowled as he straightened, and Varric chuckled, offering a hand to Fenris.
Fenris huffed as he got to his feet, glancing around the field. "At least this is done. I hate dragons."
He wasn't the only one.
~~~~~
"You gave us quite a scare," Varric said as he looked at Fenris. "Thought you were dragon chow for sure."
"It's going to take more then some sharp teeth to finish me." Fenris responded, shrugging his shoulders as he flexed his hands. He looked fine, just tired, which I didn't doubt.
This had been a difficult day, I was ready to go home and relax.
I looked away, casting my eyes down the mountainside, still leaning against my sword.
My leg was throbbing now, I didn't feel better at all, not even thanks to the potions or kit.
I should have healed earlier, I just.... when I'd seen that dragons jaws close around Fenris, I couldn't think about anything else. I'd just felt this icy white cold in my chest, stealing over my entire body, as if Anders had cast a winter spell on me.
I had never been so afraid for anyone in my life.
"Hawke? You ready to go?" Varric asked, and I nodded, sighing as the dwarf neared me; I didn't miss the worried look in his eyes.
"Yes. And remind me to sell when we get back to town."
Varric chuckled, but I felt his eyes on me as I sheathed my sword, rubbing my eyes as I tried to clear the weariness from them.
I just couldn't seem to wake up.
This hadn't been my day.
"Hawke? Hawke!"
What?
"HAWKE!"
~~~~~
I stirred, my mouth dry, my tongue like sandpaper. I curled my fingers, feeling soft blankets greet them, and after a few moments I opened my eyes.
Home?
How did I get home?
I turned my head as I heard rustling, spying Anders at my bedside, washing his hands in a basin on my nightstand.
My brows furrowed, but I couldn't remember lying down, or a reason why Anders of all people would be in my bedroom.
I shifted, and groaned as I felt pain in my leg, a hot stinging I didn't expect. Anders turned immediately,  his hands closing over my shoulders as he pushed me back.
"Not so fast, Hawke! You're not getting out of bed just yet."
Why not?
I scowled up at him, but didn't argue as I rubbed my face.
"What happened?" I asked, my voice scratchy. Anders hesitated, then handed me a glass of water, helping me sip from it.
"You don't remember?"
"If I did I wouldn't be asking."
He frowned. "You were poisoned, back in the mines. You didn't say that one of the spiders bit you!"
Oh.
Oh!
I blinked, recalling the brief moment of its fangs in my skin as I hacked it into pieces. "I didn't think it was relevant, it healed right up with a potion. I didn't know they were poisoned."
Anders sighed. "You nearly gave Varric a heart attack. All of us, really. You need to be more careful!"
I rolled my eyes, pushing away his help as I forced myself into a sitting position.
"Did you heal me? Why does my leg still hurt?"
"I used my powers to burn the poison from your blood." His cold hand pressed against my forehead. "I don't have the energy to do much more."
"Thanks for not letting me die." I said, figuring he would appreciate the words.
"Of course. I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Champion."
I groaned at the ridiculous title, shaking my head; I didn't want to be Anyone's champion!
"Drink more potion, it'll help."
"Yes, Mother."
I sipped the potion, immune to the taste after all the years of using it. I let the bottle lower to my lap, my brain still feeling fuzzy.
"How long have I been asleep?" I asked after a moment, seeing the slight bruising on my skin.
"Just a day. I'll need to let Varric know you're awake."
"Okay.... how's Fenris?"
Anders paused.
I supposed it wasn't any secret my feelings for the elf, I wasn't very good at hiding them. I'd cared for him for a long time, although I wasn't sure if he knew or returned the feelings.
We'd had one night together, years ago, when he'd walked away from me, said he couldn't. I hadn't been with anyone else, I couldn't imagine it.
I'd had many offers, many would be pleased to share the bed of the "Champion of Kirkwall," but it just didn't feel right.
Fenris was free of his slave master now, he was dead, he wouldn't be a torment anymore. Still, though, he clung so tightly to his hatred, his anger, and I couldn't seem to be the one to get through it.
I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.
"He is fine, he recovered well from his injuries."
"Good." I rubbed my eyes, just vaguely remembering the battle now; everything was sort of a blur. "Where is he?"
"I don't know, at his mansion I suppose. He carried you here and I haven't seen him since."
He carried me!?
"What? He carried me? Anders, he was hurt!" I gasped, turning to stare at the mage. "Why did you let him do that!?"
"He insisted. Varric was no option, and he wouldn't let me touch you other then to heal what I could. We made quick time thanks to him."
I frowned.
That didn't make sense.
"Get some more rest, I'll check on you later," Anders said, patting my head like I was some kind of child before leaving. I scowled after him, slowly leaning back into my pillows.
My leg hurt, and I couldn't roll over, I couldn't get comfortable despite how tired I was.
The house felt empty, especially with all my family gone.
I sighed as I pulled the blankets higher around me, closing my eyes.
Perhaps a little rest wouldn't hurt...
"Hawke!"
Jeez!
I jerked, wrenching the sheets as I sat straight up, alarmed. I stared at my bedroom door, my heart thundering in my chest. It took me several  seconds to realize I wasn't surrounded by enemies, that I wasn't in danger.
"What the hell?" I demanded, squinting at the doorway. It's so dark, I was guessing it was late in the night, but I could still see the white lines on his skin as he strode toward me.
"Are you alright?" Fenris demanded as he stepped to my bedside, reaching over to light one of the small lanterns.
"I'd be better if you'd stop giving me heart attacks." I grouched, squinting at him. "What are you doing here? Anders had to tell you I was fine."
"He did, but I wished to see for myself." Fenris says, his eyes rushing over me. "You wouldn't wake before no matter what we did."
"Poison will do that to you."
He frowned at me. "Must you make a joke out of everything?"
"As long as I live, I see no reason not to find humor where I can." I Responded tartly. Fenris sighed, shaking his head at me.
I didn't think he appreciated my sarcasm very much.
"How are you?" I asked, shuffling a little so I could see him. "The dragon ---."
"I have healed from my injuries. There is nothing to worry over."
Oh.
Okay.
Fenris hesitated, then took a step back. "I see you are well, so I will leave you be. Goodnight, Hawke."
"Goodnight." I was disappointed to see him go, I had hoped...
Not that it mattered, I don't know why I still had the pathetic wish that he would mention that night from so long ago, maybe want a repeat of it.
Maybe want more.
~~~~~~
I slammed hard into rocks of the mountainside, hissing at the pain in my side. I tried to scramble back immediately, my hand closing against the bleeding wound.
"Not so fast!" The slaver sneered as he stepped to me. "You'd sell for quite a bit in Tevinter!"
"I don't think so!" I hissed, my hand clenching tightly around my sword. I started to stand, only to stagger as he lunged at me --- I narrowly avoided him, but from how heavy my sword arm felt I knew I wouldn't be able to fight much longer.
Why the hell did I never think to get more potions before going out on jobs!?
Frustrated, I turned, my hair blowing off my shoulders in the dusty breeze. I hated slavers passionately, I would do anything to destroy them and any chance they had of wealth. I wouldn't let them take the elves, I would die first!
My eyes flicked behind me, finding the cowering children clinging to each other, frightened for their lives. They'd been kidnapped from the alienage, their pleading parents had begged us to find them, offering everything they had.
I would defend them!
I planted my feet firmly in the dusty ground, squaring off with the master slaver defiantly. I leveled my longsword at him, daring him to attack.
"You two, run down the mountain path," I barked to the children behind me, not daring to look back. "Find my companions --- ones a dwarf and the other an elf. You'll be safe with them."
I couldn't defend them properly like this, I was bleeding too badly but I could certainly give them time to get away.
The slaver started after the children as they sprinted past me, but I kept myself between them, narrowing my gaze.
"You'll regret crossing me!" The slaver hissed, his eyes flaring a bright red a brief second before everything seemed to explode.
Shit!
I felt the force of the explosion lift me up, and for several seconds there was just movement, air --- when I crashed into the column of ancient ruins, that I certainly felt.
The column crumpled under my weight, and I crashed into the ground, covering my head frantically as stones started to collapse around me, my blood rushing so loudly in my ears I couldn't hear anything else.
I curled my knees tighter to my chest, trying to avoid the worst of it.
This seriously wasn't my day!
Why did everything have to be so dusty!?
I heard a roar, the deep sound louder then even the stones falling. I cringed, reluctantly raising my head, staring at the rage demon now a few feet from me, staring me down.
Uh oh.
Where's my sword!?
I looked around, but I must have dropped it when I'd been tossed back, or it was buried, I wasn't sure, but this wasn't good!
I wasn't ready to die yet!
I had the Hawke name to carry on!
I shoved some of the stones off me,  clawing my way to my feet --- or trying too.
I couldn't stand.
I crumpled, falling hard onto my back as my legs just .... went.
No no no!
I raised my eyes in panic to the rage demon as it swept toward me, my entire body bracing for the inevitable attack. I turned my face away, squeezing my eyes shut, waiting ---.
But it never came.
Hmm?
I hesitated, turning to see a flash of white.
Fenris?
I stared, watching as he attacked the rage demon, driving it back, his lyrium tattoos glowing so brightly it blinded me.
"Hawke!" Anders knelt beside me, Merrill hovering worriedly behind him, her eyes on the demon.
"I think I need a potion," I said weakly, feeling him sit me up. I found myself leaning into him, hardly able to move any part of my body.
"Merrill, help Fenris defeat the demon, defend us. I need to heal Hawke," Anders said firmly, gently laying me against the stones, his face tight. "Can you do that?"
"I --- I think so." Her voice trembled, but then she turned away, darting forward, her staff rising into the air.
"Hawke, I need you to tell me what hurts," Anders said, directing my attention to him. "Or at least the most."
"My.... my side...." My eyes drooped; to be the "Champion of Kirkwall," I sure got my ass kicked a lot. That's what Carver would say, anyway.
Carver.....
"Hawke! Stay awake!"
Oops, right!
I forced my eyes open, not realizing I'd even let them close.
"The children..."
"Varric has them, they're safe. He's taking them to the Dalish to watch over and he'll be with us." Anders assured me, his hands starting to glow that ethereal blue as they hovered over me, his eyes flaring as he concentrated.
What a pretty blue color.
Like the sky.
But brighter.
"..... demons dead. How is she?"
Hmm?
Did I close my eyes again?
Dammit!
I forced them open, everything swimming for a few moments. Finally, I focused, finding Fenris leaning over me.
What a pretty sight.
"You're alright," he told me, his white hair falling in front of his eyes, those deep orbs focused on mine. "Stay awake with me, Hawke."
Well I didn't exactly intend to keep closing my eyes.
I wanted to say as much, but I just couldn't make the words come out, and I was suddenly so very tired.
"Anders." Fenris voice was harsh.
"I can only heal so quickly, let me concentrate!"
"Hawke. Hawke," Fenris was suddenly clasping my face between his warm hands, making me look at him; he looked so stressed.
"We all need a vacation," I mumbled, turning into his touch. "A... a beach...."
"I've never been to a beach," he says, his deep voice soothing. "When you're better, we'll all go for a few days."
Better?
Hmm.
"Fenris?"
"Yes?" I felt his thumbs caress my cheeks. "I'm here, Hawke."
I wanted to tell him how I felt, that I cared for him and all that, but none of it would come out. I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I just didn't have the strength.
"Hawke! Hawke! No, no, no --- stay awake, dammit! I can't lose you!"
Lose me?
What a silly idea.
I wasn't going anywhere in my condition.
I just.... needed.... needed a nap....
"ANDERS!"
He didn't have to yell at the poor mage, it wasn't his fault!
If anything it was mine for putting myself in the position!
All that bad luck I supposed.
Funny.... magic seemed to be the downfall of my family, and to die because of a demon....
Well, I didn't want to follow the family trend.
I was going numb, I couldn't feel anything, and I was hoping that was due to the magic and not that I was dying.
That would suck.
I wasn't ready for it.
No!
I clenched my hands, still able to feel Fenris holding my face, speaking to me even though I couldn't understand the words. Merrills voice, even Varrics.
Were they giving up on me so quickly?
Some friends they were!
Oh, but a nap would be so nice....
Just a little one...
~~~~~
"You guys almost gave up on me," I said accusingly. "You thought some demon was going to off me!"
"It did look that way," Varric said, shrugging his shoulders, holding onto his pint as we sat in the Lowtown bar. "But you pulled right through!"
I rolled my eyes.
It had been a rough few days, but apparently the Maker didn't want me yet.
"No thanks to you lot!"
"I was drinking to your health, Hawke." Varric chuckled. "I never doubted you'd be fine. Blondie was at your side and so was Fenris."
Hmm?
"Fenris?" Now he definitely had my attention.
"Yup. For the first two days he ragged Blondie relentlessly until he was sure you were out of the woods."
But why would he...?
I sighed, sinking a little lower against the table. "Glad to know someone cares."
Varric laughed, clanking his pint against mine before tossing it back.
Fenris had stayed with me? He always avoided me when I was awake, so why would he not when I was sleeping?
Not like he cared or anything.
"I'm heading home," I mumbled, rising up from the shaky table, no longer in a mood to drink. "I'll see you tomorrow, Varric."
"Hawke."
~~~~~
I stumbled a little as I walked into my house, a little off balance but mostly fine. I'd learned to handle my alcohol quite well in my opinion.
I kicked off my shoes as I started for the stairs, leaving them where they fell. I yawned, stretching my arms over my head, relaxed now that I was safe at home.
"Hawke..."
I stiffened, and turned quickly, ignoring how my head swam at the quick movement.
"What is it with you and popping up out of nowhere?" I sighed as Fenris stepped out of the shadows, looking a little uncomfortable. "You really try hard for that whole Ghostly image don't you?"
"I... wanted to see how you were doing. Bodahn said you were with Varric at the bar, so I decided to wait." He ignored my Ghost remark. "You took a hard hit from that slaver. Anders is a skilled healer."
"I know. There's no telling how many times one of us would have died if it wasn't for him." I turned to face him, glad Bodahn had kept all the lights lit tonight; I wanted to see his face, try to read his expressions.
"Yes. Anders is a skilled mage."
"Oh? Not abomination?"
"No."
What a nice change.
Maybe they were starting to become friendly with each other!
It would be nice to not hear bickering from one of them every time we went off on a job.
If it wasn't Aveline against Isabela, it was Fenris and Anders --- the only one everyone seemed to get along with was Varric.
How did he do it?
"Hawke?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you sure you're alright?" He pressed, stepping closer to me. "You look flush."
"Oh! Oh, I'm fine, don't worry! Had a bit too much to drink is all," I waved him off, feeling it really start to catch up with me; Varric had set me up terribly this time, but I wasn't one to turn down a free drink!
"Are you able to make it to your room?"
"Are you offering to help me there?"
"Hawke ---."
"Oh, right, bad memories in the bedroom." I snorted, shaking my head. "I wouldn't want to bring those up."
"Hawke ---!"
"You know, Fenris, I haven't forgotten about it, even if it was years ago. I've tried to be patient, I've tried to wait and just --- you know I'm in love with you, don't you? You have to know, how could you not, I'm terrible at hiding it." I clenched my hands, feeling the words come out and my brain not even trying to stop them. "But if you don't care about me at all then ---."
"You are the most frustrating creature," Fenris suddenly interrupted me, scowling as his hands closed around my cheeks. "How can you think I don't care about you? All I think about is you, every night for all these years! You mean everything to me!"
I did?
I blinked at him, my unsteady hands closing over his. "But you keep pushing me away ---."
"Because I don't want you hurt. And I know if I'm with you, I'll just cause you pain. I was a slave, Hawke, and I can't let that go, not even with Danarius gone."
"You.... Fenris, I don't.... I'll be here, I don't care about all that. I love you, do you think I would still be at your side if any of that bothered me?"
Fenris hesitated, his eyes searching mine. "You mean that, don't you?"
"I wouldn't say it if I didn't."
"Hawke....." he didn't say another word, his lips just closed over mine, his arms wrapping around me and crushing me to him.
Okay, a little bit of ow, but totally worth it. I curled my hands into his hair, kissing him back with all I have, wanting him to feel how much I cared about him.
I took a step back, keeping my hands on him, drawing him with me as I aimed for the bedroom; Fenris could be in my bed, for as long as he wanted, as much as he wanted.
His tattoos glowed faintly as he followed me, his eyes lighting up. I sat down on the edge of my bed, my lips staying on his, wanting more.
I might be the Champion of Kirkwall, but I would give that and everything else up if it meant I could be with Fenris.
And I would prove that to him.