I used to think one more cut and I'm done for good and how bad it would hurt my mother if she know. She probably started to wonder, when I'd never go swimming, or where skirts when she asked ... it's not like I'd where skirts anyway but sometimes she'd try. I was a whole summer clean but somehow cutting was like my addition I felt attached to the pain I cause myself. I couldn't stop, I mean I can't stop I'm drawn to the blood evacuation, it eases my sense of mind. It just brings me peace. I really started to like/enjoy putting a razor to my thigh and looking down at the drawing I had just carved in my skin. But I also regretted it deeply, because I know it would hurt the people that love me most. It's hard to quit lots of people can relate.
Well Friday had came and like always, I wake up get ready for school and catch the bus with my best friend abby. She's the only person that really understands me and I'd be nothing without her. When we get to school (we have all the same classes) we'd sit right beside each other. Every one calls us gay and emo but we don't care. People bully me for my style, all the black I were and band shirts I have, I express my inner darkness more than others. Abby looked over to me and whispered "dude Logan is so hot" and of course I'd whisper back "oh my lord, hell yeah boii" and we'd laugh. Abby and I aren't your typical normal friends .... we're extremely awkward and weird and crazy my list goes on and on. But I don't have 8000 years to tell you our weirdness but I'm pretty sure you get it. The day slowly ended, as me and abby walk to her house she looks deep into my soul and mumbles "I've got bad news" I quickly replied "please don't tell me your moving or something" she sadly says "no but my only love, Logan is with the person I hate most..Jennifer!!" I honestly didn't know exactly what to say to make her feel better so I hugged her as tightly as possible, reaching her front door I let go and told her "it's be okay you'll find someone way better I promise" opening her red insidious looking door, she stared back at me and said " I just found out after school and now I'll never be happy again there's no hope for me lexi" she closed the door and I walked away.
Later on that day in my emo tumblr room with my band posters all around me, I closed the door and locked it, starting at my makeup I pulled out the box I hid My razors in and took them out. Of course I did it again rolling up my Minnie Mouse pajamas, sliced my 100th cut in my left thigh then cut after cut. I kept going till i reached 120 and decided to stop for the night i got some paper towels and taped them to my leg so it wouldn't bleed through. Later on fell asleep to the sound of nirvana playing on the radio and my brother playing saints row in the room beside me. It's kinda hard for me to sleep sometimes, sleep paralysis is like a nightly thing now, I really wish I could get one night not worried it'll happen again. Because "we all have our horrors and our demons to fight but how can I win when I'm paralyzed?" ~oliver Sykes
next morning I didn't wake up till 3:00 pm , I always sleep late, I guess it's to avoid humans. Walking to the bathroom buy my door I took the paper towels of and flushed them down the toilet. Blood was smeared all over me so I got cleaned up and did what I always do every week end, got food and put on supernatural aka my favorite show ever. I called up abby to see if she wanted to hang out today but she said "I cant, got to go to my grandma's today, sorry maybe next week" I just replied with a simple "it's cool, see ya Monday."
It reached 6:00pm and I started getting really bored so I texted the best person I know ever.. KITTY! She's also my best friend, and I love her to the moon and back ☺ she brings out that tiny sparkle I have in my black heart❤. I haven't talked to kitty in a while and I missed her so much so I asked her if I could stay the night but she didn't answer so I called her extremely sweet mom and asked her, she said yes, but we made a plan to not to tell kitty. When kitty texted me back she said "idk but I'll ask my mom" and I told her "nvm my mom said not tonight." It was so funny. I finally got there at like 10pm cause my mom's boyfriend took forever to leave. But I was texting kitty the whole time and she had no clue. When I arrived at her house I knocked on the door and her little brother opened, I asked him not to say anything then I tip toed in to kitty's room, slammed the door open and yelled "HAIII" kitty then jumped up ran to me and hugged me yelling "OMG LEXINESS" keep in mind I haven't seen her in months and I missed her so freaking much. 💕
