Love Lies A' Bleeding

Chapter 10: Heart-to-Heart

“I promise I won’t bother you,” I hastened to add.

“No, of course! You’re never a bother to me. And yes, yes, of course you can sleep here tonight.” I could sense her excitement, but she was trying not to show it. “Why? Did something happen?”

“No. I just thought I should sleep here tonight.”

“That’s . . . great! Wait, have you had your dinner yet? I can heat up some of the leftovers King and I had earlier.”

“It’s okay, mom. I’m fine. I had my dinner at Molly’s. Her mom cooks well, but not that good compared to you, of course.”

She gave a small nervous laugh. She clearly didn’t expect to see me on a Thursday. “Of course,” she said.

We were sitting in the living room now, and the fluorescent light revealed her face. To my astonishment, she had on two puffy eyes that were red—obviously from crying.

“Hey, have you been crying?” I asked.

She quickly looked away, turning her face to the glass table in front of us. “No. Ah—it’s just the smoke. King and I had barbecues.”

“Mom . . .you’re a bad liar and you know that.”

She slowly looked back at me.

“I’m listening,” I added.

My mom’s face slowly revealed a smile. I knew then that I was right to come here.

My mom and I talked. She talked about our situation and how she missed me so badly. She asked me what she had to do for me to live with her, but I didn’t have the guts to tell her. I knew she was hurting, and I couldn’t hurt her more. She didn’t understand.

I had to choose only one parent to live with. It was for the good of all of us. I wasn’t really comfortable saying this, but I chose my dad, because I had high hopes that if I stayed with him, he would realize what he was missing. All I ever wanted since he and mom separated was for them to get back together. If all it takes not to lose him was to hang on to him like I would hang on to a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, even if I knew that there was a big chance of failure in the end, I would. There was no harm in trying.

I knew that whenever my dad would look at me, I would remind him of what he was before. And that is, he was a father. Not only to me, but to King, too. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, my face would haunt him every single day and night he was at the house. I made sure that I had my 12R picture mounted on the kitchen wall—at the exact place where he wouldn’t have a choice, but to look at it. It was beside the green wall clock with embossed white cloves printed around it, a clock that had been there for how long I didn’t know. I never asked where it came from, but my guess was my mom had bought it somewhere.

When my mom and King moved out, they left everything behind except what was in their closets and drawers. Actually, King brought almost everything with him, leaving only stuffs he thought he wouldn’t be needing anymore, like toys. While my mom only brought with her the necessary stuffs. She even left her favorite cooking wares behind.

Though the week after the separation, my dad brought all the pictures that were mounted on the wall down to the garage. I just went home one day looking at empty walls and empty tabletops. I almost cried back then, but the shock was too big I only went to my room and stared at my feet until I was too tired that I fell asleep. I didn’t tell him that the next morning I went to the garage to pick up some of the pictures and hid them on the drawers in my room.

When I asked my mom if she ever thought of dad after the separation, with tears streaming down her eyes, she answered, “Every single day.”

“Do you still love him?” I pursued, knowing I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to.

There was a long pause wherein all I could hear was her sobs.

When she finally spoke, she wasn’t crying anymore. “I loved your father with everything I ever had. He was the only man I ever loved.” she answered with a solemn shake of her head.

“But I don’t understand. If you loved him, what else matters?”

“Everything matters, sweetie, but what matters most is love. With love, the rest will fall into its proper place.” She turned to look at me. I didn’t know how I must have looked in her eyes. Slowly, she revealed a pained smile. “Bur during our marriage, your dad became an unhappy man. I wanted to ask him why, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t find love anymore.”

“That’s why you left,” I muttered so low that I wasn’t even sure if I really said it.

“No, sweetie. I left because it was the right thing to do.”

A sound escaped my throat. Then I realized I was already crying. “But you said you loved dad. You should have stayed whatever happened.” Suddenly, I was angry.

“Your dad and I made mistakes. Think of our family as a boat. Your dad had already left the boat even before he realized it was sinking. I tried to row the boat alone, using my bare hands to keep it afloat. Still, it wasn’t enough. I could have talked to your dad about it, but I didn’t. Because I thought I was strong and I could handle it. But I wasn’t strong enough. So the boat sunk.”

“I don’t get it.” But I did. I got it. I understood. My dad was seeing another woman during his marriage to my mom, and my mom wouldn’t admit it, even to herself.

My mom sighed. I knew it was hard for her, but I couldn’t stop. She had to say it. “I had to make a decision.”

“To leave dad.”

“No. To make your dad realize his mistakes.”

“But he didn’t.” Oh, God. I was speaking like a robot.

“Yeah, unfortunately, he didn’t,” my mom confirmed.

“And now he does. I knew about the other woman, mom. I knew it all along. I saw her with him. I saw them together. But when you left, he left her, too. I knew. I went to his study one night and I saw him. He was looking at a picture of you. He loves you mom, and he just wouldn’t admit it,” I sobbed. “That’s why I can’t leave him, mom. I’m all he’s got.”

“Oh, sweetie.” My mom was crying, again.

And I wasn’t strong enough, either. Because if I was strong, I would have talked to my dad about it a very long time ago. In fact, my mom was the only strong person in our family. She sacrificed herself for all of us. If leaving my dad would make him happy, my mom would do it. And so she did. And my dad was stupid enough not to realize it.

I couldn’t remember how long we sat at the living room. But the next thing I knew, my mom was hugging me and I was hugging her back. She finally understood.