Thoughts

Present

Her. She had always and will always be my first and last thought of the day. Sometimes, I was almost able to trick myself into believing that she was still there. Right beside me, every morning where she should be.

We had only dated for a short amount of time before everything started to crumble. Its cheesy, I know, but I felt like there was something there, more than just your average story. I guess in a way, I was right. Now, I would give anything  to go back and live the basic life everyone else could live. We had the life we wanted, even more that that...the life we both dreamed of...at first. Together we were different people, and anyone could see that.

I still remember everything, our last conversation, her laugh, the way she said my name. I can almost see her smiling after showing stupid, pointless little pictures. She was perfect. She had everything going for her and something out of my control stopped it? No. I let it happen. I did, and I'll admit that I still feel guilty about it. That's not gonna change. No matter how old I get I know that there's something that I could have done to stop what happened. I know that maybe if I had just been there for her or stepped in or even opened my mouth, I could still have her.  My world.

Her name still feels like bullets to the heart, so I guess you can say that I never really moved on. I just call her, "her". Its easier that way. After all this time I still need her. Even in our darkest moment we would always be there, for each other. Stories change and so do people. To sum things up, the fallout happened.

It was October 2009, 

My soon to be Mother in law was 56 and dealing with a serious case of schizophrenia. Before I knew it, I was giving my time to do whatever I could to help, but there was only so much I could do.  She lasted about a year before the day came.

I remember it clear as day. April 7th, 2010, the day both of our lives changed. It was a sunny day, probably around 90 degrees. We planned on going to a party later with some of her friends. It was about 2 pm when I got a call...

 I still see it as one of the scariest times of my life... It was the Police Department, all they said was that I had to meet at my girlfriends residence. I drove and drove, all that was on my mind was the safety of my everything. As I started to approach the house I could see lights flashing and my mind was blank. The only thing I remember was running past everyone to see what had happened. Looking back, I really wished that I would have just taken my time.

I walked in to see a man comforting her, in the heat of the moment, I pushed him off her and everything after that was a blur.

By the time I came to my senses, it must have been about 5 pm. I was still in her house, I was on the couch next to her and the police officer I had confronted. Then we talked, they explained, and I realized that my second mother was gone. Dead.

All they told me is that someone reported a woman walking across the bridge that connected our town, and the next one over. The police automatically assumed that it was either a jay walker or a a suicide jumper. Supposedly, they arrived in about ten minutes to find my mother in law sitting on the edge of the bridge. They told me about how every time they had tried to grab her, she threatened to jump and how She then told them about how the voices were telling her to jump, and how she said that 'it had to happen'. I knew there was more than they were telling me, but I didn't care. It changed everything.

It was shocking and still is. That's why I'm here. I'm ready to start over.