Bad Quality

Chapter 1

      It's cold. Why is it so fucking cold? Maybe because you haven't eaten in two weeks!, my mind yells. But I've been doing so good I argue back. I try to push all those thoughts out of my head and keep walking. I had a three day weekend because Labor day was on Monday, which was just absolutely great! (note the sarcasm). I pulled down the sleeves of my sweatshirt subconsciously, looking down at my black flats I somehow managed to gather the money to afford last year. I looked up and saw my house lose by. Ashton won't be home for another hour, and mum won't be home till late, so it gives me room for excuses, I thought to my self. I got my key out and unlocked the front door stepping inside making sure to lock it behind me. I ran upstairs to my room and got out my homework just in case Ashton got home early today. 

     I rummaged through my art drawer in my desk looking for my hand pencil sharpener. Once I had found it I got out my pocket knife my dad got for me a couple years ago and unscrewed the blade from the plastic of the sharpener. Then I slowly walked to my bed and sat on it crossed legged. I held to cool metal to my wrist, and I sat like that for about 5 minutes. Then I cut, once twice three times, the tears started flowing, obviously ruining my make up, but I didn't care, I'd have time to wipe it off later. I just cut. I lost track, but I'll count later, I just needed an outlet, I needed a break. A break from the people at school, the anxiety, the stress. "They're right you know, you are ugly, you are fat, you don't deserve to be here, you're just a waste of fucking space!" My conscious yelled viciously at me. "That's why dad left, because he couldn't bear to be around your ugly face and your fat body" the voice taunts me.

     "I'm home Bo!" I heard Ashton yell from downstairs. I panicked, I ran in to the bathroom and turned the shower on locking the door. I still had the blade with me, I gently placed it on the bathroom sink. I striped and hurriedly got into the warm water not forgetting the small precious blade. I made a few more cuts running sideways on my wrist before I put the blade on the soap bar holder and washed my hair and body.  I turned the water off and stepped out wrapping myself in a towel. I dried my hair and stepped on the scale, 115, shit. That means 3 days, no food and if I cant lose 4 pounds in those days then I'll just add another day. I ran quickly down the hallway to my room and changed into a off white sweater and a pair of sweats.

  I sat down at my desk and started working on my homework. Only a minute or two passed by before Ashton came in and sat down on my bed playing on his phone. It was kind of our ritual, I would start my homework and he would come sit on my bed till he got bored or hungry. "How was school?" I asked quietly, still focused on my work. "It was good, but Luke punched a guy and me and Calum had to hold him back from throwing another one, so we got in trouble as well. In other words I'm going to be home late on Tuesday" Luke and Calum were in a band along with Micheal. "Well, it must have been fun" I stated sarcastically. He silently laughed, he didn't answer me or ask me about my day, but that's alright, he knows I don't like talking about school, but not why I don't.

HAI! That was horrible and short I know, I'm sorry. Hopefully it will get better soon, but I was trying to make this an info chapter.

And, if you or someone you know is struggling with self harm anorexia there are so many people out there who want to help, including myself. I'm always here for you guys and if you want, in the next chapter I can add some help phone numbers. Just remember if you want to talk I'm here too.