My Saving Grace

Chapter 1: Losing Myself

The air was taken from my lunges and my brain was struggling to process something that would change my life forever. Girls my age don't don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. I should be worrying about what to wear, boys, and and when the next college party will be. I should be at my dorm with my roommate learning how to survive college. Instead, I am in a doctors office being told about my new illness. I have Hodgkin lymphoma. Something nobody believes they can get. 

After the doctor told me the reason for coming in, I couldn't process anything that was going on. He was trying to explain the symptoms, how my body is reacting, and the treatment course I will need to take, but all I could think about was 'why me.' A question that will stay in my mind until my life is back on course.  Tears began to prick my eyes and my hand are now trembling. Why me? Why have I, Grace Andrews, been given this course for my life? There is so much that I am losing, but most importantly, I am losing myself. 

"Grace, do you understand what I'm saying?" Doctor Cook asked while looking at me with tired eyes. I can tell by the way he is looking at me that he hate this part of his job. The part where he has to deliver bad news and be the strong one in the room. His eyes have probably witnessed too much sorrow and right now is one of those moments.

"Grace?" He asks me again. My mom, who is sitting next me, grabs on to my hand with one of hers and wipes a tear away from her eye with the other hand. Knowing my mom, her heart is breaking. She would do anything for me and know she would take my place in a heartbeat. I take my time, but eventually I look up at the doctor and ask, "Am I going to die?"

He signs and responds by saying, "There is no way of knowing for sure, but you are young and we caught it early. So, we will need to get you through chemotherapy and hopefully everything will go well." 

"Will I lose my hair?" 

"Some patients do and some don't. It will depend on how your body reacts to the treatment. As of right now, I am focused on getting you cured. I'd rather you lose your hair than your life." the doctor's look of sadness was long gone and it was replaced with determination. 

"Okay." I nod and became consumed with my thoughts as the doctor began to talk to my mom about more details and they set up my first treatment date. He shook our hands when we stood up, then we took off for the car. Silence filled the air and I was ready to breakdown, but I held it in. My mom knew better than to try and comfort me right now. I was too far into my thought to listen to anything she would say. Mom drove me home and we both went inside to see my dad watching ESPN in his large, comfy couch. He looked so happy to be sitting on that chair while watching his favorite channel. Little did he know , he was about to hear some heartbreaking news. His baby girl is sick and there is nothing he can do about it, but watch her as she fights to beat her illness. He looked over at me smiling and said, "Hey Sweetheart, what'd the doctor say?"

My eyes began to water and his smile dropped. The reality to my situation finally hit me; I could die. I turned away from him and ran to my room. My head was spinning and I couldn't catch my breathe as locked the door. I couldn't hear anyone or anything, but my constant cries. Right then, I laid against my door and sobbed. I cried until my eyes hurts and I couldn't stop shaking. After sitting there for a while, I finally got up from the ground and laid down in bed. Finally, I fell asleep thinking about my new reality.