Today I was asked if I was okay. And like always I said yeah I'm fine. The honest answer is no I'm not. You try living three hours away from where you know is home and you have nothing to do but watch it fall apart due to many different reasons. It kills me inside and I wish I was home. If you haven't noticed those suicide stories I wrote are a version of me where I can leave this world and pain behind. I would honestly take all the pain away from sisters and face it all for them. I love them to death and to see them hurt kills me. I would die for their happiness. My sisters are my world and no girl will ever take that from them. When you watch your home fall apart it sucks it hurts it kills. But everyday I hide my pain behind a smile because I don't want people to feel bad for me. I've been hurt by girls a lot of girls. To the point where I shouldn't even believe in love anymore but I do because it's worth fighting for and I know one day my sisters will find their true loves. Guys I'm not always as strong as you people think I am. I hurt I suffer and from time to time I have thoughts of suicide cause I can't handle it. My sisters are the reason I haven't. They need their older brother to be there as they grow. I lost everything once before and I don't want to lose it again. I used to be the guy everyone forgot about. The guy nobody made plans with the guy that nobody knew existed. There isn't a way to describe how dark my life was emotionally growing up. Yeah I'm tough but I have my flaws. I have my weaknesses. Many people go through a hard time and I tell them I'm here if they need to talk and they think to themselves he won't understand. News flash I will if I told you have the stuff I have been through you would see I would understand. For those reading this I'm here for you. I'll help you out of the darkness and into the light. I'll help you find happiness again. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it. It's not easy watching your home fall apart when you aren't there to help. You feel useless you feel like a let down. For once in my life I had what I always wanted a family and now I'm watching it fall apart. It's killer man. My heart has been beaten bruised stabbed and let down but through all that it still does it's job. And it's the reason I'm writing this. I hope I helped at least one person. I love you all. And remember if you need to talk if you're going though a hard time. If you feel like giving up shoot me a message I'll stay up all night with you just talking. I don't want anyone feeling the pain I did or am feeling now. The pain won't be the end of you because I know you are so much stronger than it. You just need to find some hope. 3 years ago I lost my life long friend Shabon he was my brother. He died at the age of 15 due to cardiac arrest. I want to ask you a question. Have you ever worked your ass off for something then had it stolen from you. Well for four years I worked for a spot on my high schools varsity team for soccer and it was stolen from me by my coach cause I wasn't good enough in his eyes. It killed me to hear that. Like I worked so hard and put more work in then anyone And he just took it from me. Now I'm trying to power through everything. But it hurts. It hurts being the tough guy to everyone. It hurts that so many people tell me how to live my life. I go to this youth group at my church the only reason I do is cause I have like three friends who will blow up my phone asking where I am if I don't. Yeah I called you guys out. I'm a witch dude My religion is witchcraft not Wicca just general witchcraft. It used to be four friends but One graduated so yeah. Honestly where my youth group used to be a family I know it isn't anymore because nobody ever messages anyone to check up on them. Dear soccer coach you're a fucking idiot you know that. I play harder than most of the player in varsity but whatever. Also I'm not a ball hog like them I can actually pass the ball a great skill to have for any soccer player. I'm so sick of your shit dude telling me I'm not good enough. Who do you think you are to crush someone's heart like that. Asshole is who you really are. Like what the fuck you asshole. You're lucky I love my job and it keeps me calm or I'd snap on your white ass. Whatever I'm over your stupid shit. As for school I'm stressed out and almost having panic attacks everyday and I can't handle it plus I wanna start cutting again like it's bad.
