Story of a Misfit

Friday, September 2nd

It's early in the morning, I've been awake since 5.
My mother had an appointment 3-4 hours from where we lived, I didnt manage to go to sleep until one in the morning.
Ive always had trouble sleeping.
You see with my mom, she doesn't think of her son, me, Jack hurting.
She doesn't see the pain and torment in my eyes I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.
She's only seen it when I did something drastic, something that hits you right in the face.
Like attempting suicide.
I'm Jack Johnson.
People call me J.J
I'm eighteen years of age and in those eighteen years of living,
I've attempted suicide four times.
I've been to four loony bins.
For crazy people like me.
I think the correct term is "Mental Hospitals"
Mental. Mental is a pretty scary word if you think about it.
If you look at someone and go
"Hey, he looks super mental"
You just assume the worst.
Not only have I attempted suicide four times
I have been lucky enough to forever see the scars ive inflicted on my body.
I have done damage to my body since I was thirteen years old.
I still remember the razor blade I used for the first cut on my skin.
It was because I just got dumped by my first love.
I know what you're thinking
Jack, you were thirteen you weren't in love.
Well, I was. She is a beautiful girl who I've managed to keep in touch with to this day.
Her name is Kailyn Holder
The prettiest blue eyes you have ever seen,
Later on as you hear my daily thoughts and my daily life
You will see I have a thing for blue eyes.
Anyway, long story short,
I had met her on an online game.
Wizard101
I used to be big into games
She wasn't a catfish.
We dated for eight months
And to this day, I still don't know what she say in me.
Anyway, I'll probably add an extra part dedicating it solely to her, I'm not sure.
We broke up.
My first breakup.
My first heartbreak.
My first event that introduced me that the world is not a happy, fun, loving place.
I don't want you to think I cut right when she broke up with me,
No that would be too easy right?
How about a week of nonstop crying.
Isolation in my room for a whole week.
I wouldn't eat anything.
I wouldn't even watch TV or play a computer game.
My mother at that time, I can't remember if she was doped on on her medications or not.
I just remember I would lay face down on my bed crying and wailing like a damn animal.
And shed try to soothe me by patting my back.
It was pretty ugly.
This happened for a straight week.
Seven days.
24 hours of the day.
I'm only thirteen.
After a week of nonstop crying.
I don't know how or why my mind targeting this razor blade in my room.
It was a pencil sharpener I believe.
Most convenient way to get a razor right?
I can't tell you when or why or how I targeted that razor blade for I have blocked most memories in my head .
Anyway, I got the razor blade out,
I'm all red eyed from crying I'm sweaty im gross.
I had a T-shirt, I pulled up the sleeves
So my upper arm is showing.
Im sniffling.
I'm shaking.
I put the blade to my skin.
The metallic feel,
The coldness.
I remember right before I made my first cut I stopped crying .
I pushed the blade deep on my skin,
Then in one single motion,
"Zziiiiipppp"
I'm sorry that was my impression of what my skin sounded like when I ripped it as I used the blade to cut my skin.
Now I don't want you thinking this was just a simple paper cut, cut.
I'll put it to you this way.
I still have the scars from my very first cut.
And it's been over 5 years.
Almost 6.
Want to know what the funny thing was?
I smiled.
Once I made that very first cut and blood was pouring from the incision.
I smiled for the first time in a week.
It hurt, physically.
Of course.
It hurt.
But it was better than coping with my emotional pain.
I cut 3 more deep in me after that one cut that day.
Those 4 cuts, introduced me to a way I'd handle with all my emotions for the next few years.
I can't tell you how many times I've self harmed over the years.
Some faded away, some haven't.

Remember when I said earlier in this post how my mom went to her doctors appointment 3-4 hours from here?
Well. I'm alone.
I hate being alone.
I haven't hurt myself since March of this year.
6 months clean.
Im trying so hard to go a year clean.
It never works.
I'm going to update this later,
Because I need a cigarette so I don't end up being 0 days clean.
Peace out
- J.J
**********
11:46
I'm back I didn't hurt myself. Yet.
Unless you count me smoking a cigarette as I type this hurting myself.
My mother called me a couple of hours ago, she wanted me to do chores around the house.
It seems like that's all she sees me as.
Her little maid.
Let me give you a brief description of my wonderful mother.
Earlier I subtly mentioned "I don't know if she was doped up..."
Well let me explain,
My mother has been divorced for my whole life.
My father whom I have never met left her and myself when I was just a baby.
She's been taking care of me ever since with the help of her mother and her grandmother.
I don't really enjoy talking about her because we have a history.
She has a drug problem, more specifically her medications.
She has epilepsy and all these other problems I don't remember.
But her whole life she abuses her medications.
Ambien, Xanax, multiple pain medications. Etc etc.
The youngest I can actually remember that I knew she was high on medications was 10 years old.
I guess when I was younger I was too Oblivious to notice.
There's something about having your mother constantly have clouded eyes
Constantly spacing out.
Constantly out of reality.
At the age of 10 when I finally noticed that all these years she's been high taking care of me, I made the decision I had to be a man. To take care of myself.
Not only when shed have a seizure and passed out on the floor
But when she would just be outside staring into the sky and stay out there for hours.

-- Hi this is the Author of this story
I just wanted to make an announcement that if you have a family member that has a drug problem. Do whatever you can to get them the help they need, this story is completely fictional but parts of it are based on what I've seen in life and I can not stress enough that if you have a family member with a drug problem try to get them help ----

After going to my second mental hospital, I just started to accept the life I live is the life I live
I was sixteen years of age,
Living in Florida.
My mother was working, while getting messed up on Ambien, which is a sleeping pill.
I remember this day no matter how much I want to forget.
You're supoosed to take one Ambien when you want to sleep
She had taken 5-6 because she forgot she taken them.
She was gone.
She wasn't human.
I don't know if I'm religious but my mother was being led by something evil.
It was a usual day when she's messed up.
I stay in my room and avoid her as much as possible.
She comes in my room yelling over something that was so miniscule
But if she's high and she finds something even if it's just a piece of paper on the ground itll ruin her high
"Jack you piece of shit!"
"What did I do now mom" I say sighing not even looking up at her
"You know what you did! I swear I'm done with you! You are such am asshole!"
I'm already having a bad day that day and I really try to bite my tongue but I accidently slipped up.
I got off my bed walked up to her and look her In the eyes and said,
"Mom you are so fucking high right now you don't even know what you are doing so just shut up!!" I yelled at her.
I couldn't even finish my sentence when she pushed me back and I fell on my bed
"You want to fight me Jack!! I've wanted to fight you for so long I'm going to kick your ass"
I was shocked.
She's never laid her hands on me assaulting me no matter how fucked up she got.
I yelled at her some more
And she grabbed a handful of my hair and she yanked a fistful of hair out of me.