Emotions are a Funny, Complicated Thing.

interview #1 Thinking it's love

Interview #2 Thinking it's love

"Thank you for doing this it really means a lot."

"Your welcome."

"To start I want to talk to you about your past relationship and your opinion on love. So in your own words what is love?"

"I think love is a lot of things; obviously it's an emotion. It's something that you can feel so deeply. It's also your acts, things that you do for people. You can show people that you love them by doing things for them that that they feel loved by. (Laughs) That's such a difficult question."

"I know it's a very vague."

"Love to me is putting yourself aside. And I mean if you're focusing a specific person, so whether it be... I guess I could talk about a relationship as an example. So when I was in a relationship, is putting myself aside and making them the priority above myself. And doing whatever it was to make them happy. But also be fair and also continuing to reassure them in how I felt. Because getting... you can't get a feeling from someone else; you have to be reassured in that, and showing that by your affection."

"So I'm going to ask you about your breakup with your first love? Tell me what absolutely made you think that the relationship needed to end. What were the signs?"

"He and I's relationship was very unhealthy, which had a lot to do with our age, well the age that we started dating. I was only fifteen, so having that young mentality without anyone to mentor me in it. It brought... I was just bound to destruction; the relationship was bound for destruction. There wasn't a great foundation. To me I just wanted a boyfriend because everyone else had a boyfriend. And I thought that having a boyfriend at that time was awesome. And I think the rebellion behind it, of not being allowed to have one at that age but still doing it anyways; I mean I got a good feeling out of that too. But, we were so different and I had known that from the beginning. But I didn't think that it was going to be an issue, again because I was so young. I was immature; I didn't know what I was getting into. So, being with someone for so long it's hard to end things; especially already picturing life with that person.

And we've already broken up two times. The first time, or both of the times actually, were me breaking up with him. The first time I was seventeen, right after I graduated high school. And I just wanted a sense of freedom he never really gave me. He would constantly ask me where I was, texted me all the time, even if I was with friends. He never gave me time to myself, just very selfish. So when I did break up him I finally realized what it felt to be normal. Because before my relationship with him, I was like fourteen. And that's when you're getting into your age of figuring out who you are. When we broke up I was seventeen going on eighteen. So it had already been a while since I had been in that awkward phase, from dating to not dating after a while. But then because we had been together for so long the communication never really stopped we ended up getting back together

I think three months after that. Then things were ok... actually we broke up three times now that I think of it. So things were good between us. But it also didn't help that we were active with our intimacy. I lost my innocence to him at sixteen... and that was something I never wanted to do. So having that, connection I guess, it made it hard to step away from that because I always told myself I would only marry the man I would ever be intimate with. So because I had that mentality, it was hard for me to steer away from him. Which was the huge reason I got back together with him, the first time. So we were together for, I want to say a year in a half. I honestly don't remember the second time we broke up. It was I think 2010 or 2011, I don't know really, but around that time. And it was in December, the beginning of December. And he told me he would propose to me even after we broke up, and he's already gotten me the ring. I had no idea, and with us broken up I felt the guilt again. And the main thing was our relationship wasn't centered on Jesus, which is what I wanted but I never had that with him. So, when he told me he wanted to marry me I felt guilty. And I pondered on it for a really long time, but then I got involved at my church. So that helped me not get back together with him. And after I was done with this training thing at the church I want to say a year later, I got back together with him. By that time we had dated for another year and a half. He was then in the police academy, and his personality was changing a lot."

"In what way did he change?"

"He became more... rough. So he wanted things more physical, and he was upset I wasn't giving it to him. Because at this time now we were more physically intimate. And of course it was also my choice not to do anything. And it brought a lot of tension between our relationship and us. He wanted to go out more and inviting me to places. But it was hard for me to be with his cop friends because they did stuff that I wasn't really into; like getting plastered and all of that stuff. And I wasn't comfortable being that way around them.

He had also physically taken advantage of me before we had even gotten back together again. But then we got back together because I felt like there was no one else would love me because of what he did to me. And I honestly didn't even know that what he did to me even classified as rape. I didn't know that how we were intimate was very inappropriate, and it should never be that way, and I didn't see that until after we had broken up and someone told me that's what that was. So that is the reason we actually got back together the third time.

So later it was the middle of his academy and I had just had enough of being treated the way I was treated. He just, I felt like he wasn't pursuing me anymore, he didn't care about me. And I don't know if that was because of the separation the academy brought between us or my feelings for him weren't the same since the first time we had broken up, and I had always wanted more for his relationship with Jesus to be better as well. And I think because it was never there, I never like fully gave myself to him. So after we broke up the final time, I had found out he bought another engagement ring because he was going to propose again. Actually a couple weeks after I broke up with him he was going to propose. At that time it didn't really faze me, I didn't care which was a good sign for me. Because I knew he was a chain I felt locked onto and I couldn't get out of it, couldn't be released. It was a bad seven years, but I got a lot out of it. I learned from it and I feel like a better person because I figured a lot about what I can handle. I feel like I have more respect for myself as well. And I feel like the situations that I went through helps me use it to talk to other girls about it and connect to them."

"Do you think that others should similarly experience what you went through too? And do you think that everyone should know what heartbreak feels like or no?"

"It depends really, because some people will meet the person in high school and become high school sweethearts and they never break up. They are with that person years on end and there are people like me who go through one or two break ups and you learn from them. So it really depends on the person, everyone is different. For me it just comes down to knowing who I am, what I deserve, and what I want."

"Do you think that if you didn't experience you would be who you are today?"

"No, definitely not. I wouldn't be how confident I am and I wouldn't be... well back then I used to be a pushover, so now I'm not."

"No you're pretty tough. Do you have any advice to anyone in a similar situation?"

"I feel this is what a lot of people say this but, being friends first with the person that you date is huge. Because you having the friendship with the person you date helps them be venerable with you and vice versa, they also become true to themselves around you. And when you see the person that they really are while not being in a relationship and you are attracted to them and feel good about it then go for it. But I recommend to not rush into things too, because if you don't then... a break up is never easy whether whichever side is right. So if you want to save yourself the heartbreak then be friends first."

"To finish this all up I have one last question to ask, in five seconds what would you say to change someone's mind if they were about to experience what you did?"

"I would tell myself you're so stupid, no I'm just kidding. I would say know your worth before you have someone else figure that out for you. Because if someone figures it out before you and that's what you live for, and that's not worth it."

Alyssa, age 25