An Open Letter to My Ex's Mother

Untitled Part 1

Dear Mrs. Miller,

I understand this letter came a little later than it should have, but I've been bottling up and putting away all the emotional trauma I've been through. I now realize it's time I faced the trauma people put me in and tell them, "What you did was not okay". And Mrs. Miller, what you did was not okay.

You came home to find your sweet, innocent little boy James in the shower with me, doing unthinkably shocking and disgusting things. God, he's not even 16 yet. God, you've only just met me. So you stormed into the restroom and demanded that I get out. You then yelled at your son in front of me and his brother. You were so traumatized, flustered and shocked that you really had no idea what to do with me. You were so disappointed in me, in James, that you forced us to say goodbye abruptly and stop seeing each other.

You then had to deal with me, the piece of trash you never expected to have to dispose of in the first place. I have to give you credit for being kind enough to take me home, instead of having me walk away alone on the streets at 9:30 pm. On the way home, you investigated me and bombarded me with questions coming from "concern" for my well-being (which frankly was none of your business especially because you just broke James and me up). You wondered what my grades were like, whether or not I had female friends I hang out with, whether or not I did extracurriculars. But you weren't really asking. The tone and looks you gave me...you've already made your presumptions and stereotyped me into a trashy and promiscuous slut. Just from meeting me once and seeing me with your son in a sexual context, in your eyes I became a rebel with bad grades and no vibrant life besides your son. I was clinging onto your son because I had nothing better to do.

In reality, that was far from true. It wasn't true at all. I was in Model UN, drama and journalism. I tutored kids and wrote news articles for Chinese people for community service. I had an unweighted 4.0 GPA. I had plenty of female friends, both from China and from the 8 months I had spent in Irvine. I am what people would call a model student and kid. I've got a lot of things going for me.

Then there were your questions about whether or not I did sports. I don't like sports, I am not good at it. Therefore I spend my extracurricular time on other things. But just because I gave a negative answer to "do you do sports", you looked at me judgmentally and immediately went back to your concern of my having nothing valuable to spend my time on. You are so blind in your pride for your sons and your belief in your all-American values that to you there was only one kind of good student and good kid—the kind that got good grades and played various sports. Other types of extracurriculars were alright, but all of them paled in front of the glory of athletics.

Granted, you were so upset with the situation that it was probably easier for you to blame the slut instead of taking a good look at your son and how he had been behaving. Granted, you are a Christian, a Republican, a conservative. As a progressive liberal Democrat, I chose the wrong family to date into. Of course you weren't going to be ok with lascivious acts before marriage. Not to mention we were both minors.

We have different beliefs. You probably believe in abstinence-only sex education and no premarital sex. I believe that sex is an act of love that teenagers should be allowed to experience, if they are careful, responsible and informed. And Mrs. Miller, I am all three of those things. I regularly get checked for STDs and infections; I am on birth control; I consistently use barrier methods. So no, I will probably not get pregnant. And that you could tell my mother "if Ashley gets pregnant it's over", was ludicrous. Many teenage moms have survived just fine and thrived in their chosen careers.

In any case, although I don't agree with you, I respect different viewpoints. So it's fine by me that you're morally opposed to what James and I were doing. But James consented to all the activities we were doing. He was fully enjoying our time in the shower and the intimacy he was forming with his girlfriend. I am not some evil seductress who lured your son into committing sins.

So maybe instead of blaming me and presuming I am a slut with no good intentions, you should take a good, hard look at the way you are raising your son. I am just a teenager, I am in no position to tell you how to raise children. However, I do strongly believe open communication about "taboo" matters like sex is vital to instilling values into teenagers, conservative or liberal.

So next time you find your son committing sexual acts with another girlfriend, or even just a random girl, please stop and think for a second. Don't make her apologize and cry for something she might not even be sorry about. Don't make her leave your son just because you have ideologies different from hers. Don't make her feel like a worthless slut. Don't impose your presumptions upon her, who you likely don't know much about. To you, she might be a terrible influence. But to her, she's just doing her thing and being herself.

If you really want her to stop having sex with your son, I suggest that you try to openly communicate with both of them. Remind your son of the values you taught him, the consequences of acting impulsively and the potential trouble he'll be in if the girl is pregnant. Tell the girl calmly that while you respect her values, as the mother and co-head of the family you can't accept these sexual actions. They might just disregard you and continue to have sex in secret. Or if the girl's mature and smart, she'll walk away. She will refuse to date someone with this much pressure of being someone she's not. Either way, it's really out of your control what they choose to do.

I no longer resent you for what you did, how you made me feel. James is someone from the past for me, and frankly, he and I would have never worked as a couple. We were both immature and we had no idea how to be in a real relationship. There's no need for me to cry over something that happened over a year ago. But I just wanted to write this to you, Mrs. Miller, so I could let you know how I felt and ask you to not hurt another girl like that again.

Sincerely,

Ashley