The Yellow of a Primrose

I am once again being surrounded in flames. Watching my sister die over and over. I squeeze my eyes closed wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare, but the image is just as clear under my eyelids. Maybe this isn't a nightmare, maybe I'm trapped here and I'll never wake up, this is my punishment for failing to protect my sister. 'You deserve this' a voice in my head is saying, and I can't help but agree, I deserve all the pain I get.

When I wake up I'm drenched in sweat and my throat is sore from screaming. I see Prim die in my nightmares more than once every night. 'I drag myself out my nightmares and find there is no relief in waking' Finnick had once said to me.

When I used to have nightmares on the Victory Tour Peeta would always be there to hold me afterwards, now things are different, I don't have anyone. They're either dead or have abandoned me.

My mother couldn't face coming back to twelve, Gale had some fancy job in two, Haymitch is always drunk, and Peeta. He's probably still in the Capitol, I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to come back there's nothing here for him anyway, just a drunk old man and a 'mentally disoriented' girl.

My mind wanders back to Prim and I don't even attempt to hold back my tears. I know I probably won't get anymore sleep tonight and it's still dark out. I haven't been in her room since I visited Twelve after it was bombed by the Capitol. It's probably too soon to go in there but I feel it's the only part of her I have left.

I consider the idea of going into her room, maybe it will help reduce my nightmares knowing part of her is there. It can't do any worse than the small white pills Dr. Aurelius gives me, Peeta is the only person who can fight off my nightmares, but I know I'll probably never have that luxury again.

I don't know what possesses me to do it but I swing my legs off the sofa that I've been curled up on for days, the only exercise I've had is visits to the bathroom, even they are limited because I've barely eaten or drank anything.

It's actually really cold in this house and the only light to guide me is the light from the moon coming through one of the windows. I try to turn on the lights but it just burns my eyes as I only woke up a few minutes ago, so I decide to stumble around in the dark looking like Haymitch when he's drunk. Once I reach the top of the stairs there are no more windows and I have to make my way to Prim's room by memory. I run my hand along the wall and I know I've found her room when my fingers run over the door frame. I slide my hand down the door waiting for my palm to come in contact with the door knob.

Once I find it I twist it and the door swings open. It's colder in here than it is downstairs, I suppose this room hasn't been lived in for months. Everything looks so tidy and the bed is made like it's waiting for Prim to return to it. The wardrobe is filled with her clothes that she'll never get to wear again. She'll never get to grow up and have a family of her own. Or become a doctor like she always wanted. And it's all my fault. I failed to protect her.

Suddenly my knees feel weak and eventually they give in and I fall to the floor. Hot tears roll down my face and my crying turns into sobbing. Sobs wrack my body and I can feel my shoulders shake. I want to run from this room, no, this house even and never come back. But I can't move, it's like I'm glued to the ground. I scream into my knees that are tucked up to my chest, nobody would hear if I screamed anyway. No one else lives in Victors Village just Haymitch and I and he's probably passed out on the table somewhere in his house, nothing could wake him up.

That's when Buttercup comes into the room, probably heard the noise I was making, he walks over to me but I don't want him near me, how can a cat as stupid as Buttercup survive this whole war but my little sister can't? He meows circling me, he's probably looking for Prim.

"She's dead." I mutter, "She's dead you stupid cat, she's dead and she's not coming back, so get out!" I'm hysterically screaming at him now and he probably doesn't understand, but I pick him up and hug him against my chest crying into his fur. 'She's dead' I keep whispering to myself even though I don't want to believe it.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I hear is Greasy Sae cooking downstairs like she does every morning and evening. Buttercup is gone and my shoulders ache from sleeping on the floor. I quickly leave Prim's room shutting the door behind me and make a mental note to myself to not go in there until I'm capable of not having a meltdown.

I walk downstairs into the kitchen and Sae is just serving up breakfast with her granddaughter, once she see's me she looks surprised.

"Katniss, I was just about to come find you. You weren't on the sofa when I came in so I figured you'd be sleeping upstairs, I washed some of the sheets from the sofa as well, they're folded up in there now."

Something seems suspicious about her tone, why does she seem so enthusiastic? I always assumed she was paid to come here and take care of me, but the way she's talking makes it sound like she cooks and cleans for me as a hobby.

She sets a plate in front of me and it's the same meal I see everyday, slightly burnt bacon and eggs. Its not like I'm going to complain, if it weren't for Sae I wouldn't have eaten anything in weeks. Sometimes she has trouble persuading me to eat, but by now I've worked out that she won't leave until I at least try something.

I stab the bacon with my fork and cut it up as slowly as I can. It's in pretty small pieces anyway so there's no need to cut it, really I'm just trying to avoid eating it.

Sae's seen me do this before so she knows what I'm trying to do, she sighs and tells me she knows what I'm doing and it's not worth it. Eventually I give in and pick off small pieces until it's all gone. Sae takes my plate to the sink to wash.

Her granddaughter is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room fiddling with some piece of string, she's always seemed a bit out of it to me. The longest sentence she's said to me is hello, but I suppose I was never a very social child, and I'm still not.

While Sae is cleaning up I walk into the front room and see all the blankets neatly stacked up like Sae said, the layer of dust that was on the coffee table has disappeared meaning she cleaned the rest of the room to.

I'm just about to leave the room when something from outside the window catches my eye. I step backwards to get a better look and that's when I see him. Peeta. I stumble back into the coffee table sending a glass crashing to the floor.

Why is he here? What could possibly be left for him in twelve? My list of unanswered questions doesn't end there. I look back out the window and I just catch a glimpse of his blonde hair before he disappears into his house.

"He was going to have to come back here at some point you know" I quickly spin around and relax when I see that it's just Sae, I don't know who else I thought it would be.

I'm not sure how I feel about Peeta being back here, but I do know that I don't want to talk to Sae about it. I duck my head down and walk past her to run up the stairs. I run into my room and collapse on the bed, this is probably where I'll stay for the rest of the wallowing in self loathing for not protecting my sister and thinking about Peeta.

Sae is cleaning up the glass that I smashed when I fell into the table, I instantly feel guilty for running past her and leaving her to do it. Eventually the crunching of glass stops and Sae and her granddaughter shuffle around probably getting coats and shoes. They'll both be back for dinner later, sometimes its just Sae without her granddaughter but I feel like it would be nosy to ask about her.

Finally the front door opens and they leave quietly closing the door behind them, leaving me in an empty house for the rest of the day haunted by nightmares and the ghosts of the people I killed.