It's what I am you know?
It's what I do, you see?
It's all a part of me.
I don't know if there's any love left in me.
"Vain!" My mom called for me
"Coming mother." I said barely a murmur coming down.
She stands with her hands on her hips.
"What are you doing moping around like that?" She asks her tone bitter
My gaze that is steady on the floor ceases to move.
She sighs. Rocking her hands from her hips.
"Listen, I'm sorry about whatever is wrong with you but get over it. Today's a bright day." She said." Go out with your friends." She says
"Don't have any." I mumbled
"Get some." She says
Grandma comes in wangling like a penguin.
"What's go- Vain why is your head down?" Grandma asks
I shrug.
She looks at mom.
"She's in deep about something. I don't know what. But in trying g to get her out the house." Mom says
"She told me to get over it." I say fast." She says get some Friends." I say and slump my way back up the stairs.
"You are a real piece of shit Sam." My grandma says to my mom
"Mom I know how to raise my own kid." Mom says to grandma
"Like a fucking crack head you do. Telling her to find friends! And to get over two Deaths! A twin and a loss of a child she took care of, her bother, your son who you gave up. You are a terrible mom, and a low life piece of shit-- I didn't raise-" I slammed my door shut plugging my ears to escape the ragging of my grandmother
She may be old but she'll rack anybody who's in the wrong.
She just cares.
But she could never understand my pain.
Not even mom. She never has. Never will.
I close my heavy, thick black curtains and turn of my lamp. Laying on my bed in the darkness. It's always been friendly to me.
Ya know? The darkness? I know him well.
I hear stomps.
I sigh.
That's only sound that ever came form me that wasn't painful.
If you ever headed anything else from me, it was either my muffled cries or my murmured voice, that held back swarming tears that threaten to fall.
Knock!
Knock!
"Can I come in?" I hear my grandmothers voice
But my chest hurts and my eyes water.
I can only nod. But she can't see me. She still stands on the other side. Waiting for my yes.
"Vain?" She says
"Ye-yes." I say drying my tears
She comes in.
I hear her nails searching for the light.
She found it but it didn't flick on.
"Your light must be blown dearie." She says
"No. I use lamps." I say low
"Oh yes. I forget. Well. Allow me to find one dear." She says
I sit up and flick a lamp on saving her the struggle. I wasted enough of her energy.
She smiles faintly.
I pat my bed for her to sit.
No matter the hurt I endorse. I am kind.
I knew she wanted to talk.
"Hello dearie." She says
I nod.
Since the er.. Uh-- conspiracy I haven't been talkative.
"Who are you feeling?" She asks" physically?" She asks
"Sickly." I say low
"As I foresaw." She said
I nodded.
I didn't mean to be rude but I never really paid attention to what she said.
She's always so wise speaking. But I'm a wise writer so I understood.
"Don't worry about your mother. The words she speaks is-- foul. Each a nd every last one. She's a immoral bitter lost women. She's irresponsible and you know it. She has the tongue of a snake full of deceit and harshness. I don't mean to be so blunt. But she means you no good. Steer clear of her and don't follow her footsteps my dear." She says
I nod.
All this I already knew. But it was nice to hear the truth from someone other than the voice in my head.
She knew I wasn't going to speak, so she continued.
"If you need anything dearie, I'm active. Don't hesitate." She says
I nod." Thank you..."I say
It was barely a whisper coming from my lips.
She looked in me, pure sorrow in her eyes. Sorrow for me.
I started to cry. I couldn't hold it back.
"Don't cry.." She says rubbing my back
"Grandma.." I trail off
"Yes dearie?" She asks
"This is what I am.. This Is what I do. This is what I've become." I say crying more but my words are calm
She starts to speak but I shake my head causing her speech to cease.
"I'll be in the garden dear. Try to rest." She says
She leaves shutting my door easily.
"So get used to it." I say and shut my light off.
Crying myself to sleep.
