Every Night Has Its Dawn

Chapter 2

I sat in the shower, just on the cold tub as the water droplets slip down my shaking skin.

The water grew hot, from me waking to my senses. How could a shower be so hot? Just imagining, in a couple of months I could've been holding a baby. A tiny, precious baby. Why the hell did he not live? More of a depressed state of mind came through to me.

I am a killer.

How? I couldn't hurt a fly let alone my own baby. The doctor said I was under too much stress. Then I'm not a killer? I'm confused. The thoughts reigned inside me again. I would be cradling a baby in my arms. Bouncing lightly as Andy cooed at him.

That whole dream, is gone.

God dammit. The razor taunted me. 'Use me' as it spoke its cruel words. I wouldn't fall to it. Too much pain in too little time. My cries became deeper begging for mercy over this unborn child. I choked up. I grabbed the razor, just staring at it with my broken eyes. Seeing my reflection faintly in the blades. I quickly put it to my thigh, but stopped when it touched. I'm a coward. I can't do it anymore. I went back and forth for a minute. I want to cut, I'm going to! But I can't. What kind of role model does that? Fans love seeing me all the time. But the pain needs to be external along with my internal pain. I just want something to flow other than tears... Just a couple of cuts wouldn't harm.

Fuck, its relentless.

I finally made up my mind and rested it on my thigh. I glided it across and watched 3 rows of blood spew out. Anger hit me like a truck. I am really bipolar today. I screamed. But not of pain but of anger. I watched the colored water flow down the drain. I stayed in my ball crying and screaming. A knock came on the door until Andy opened it without hesitation. He glanced down at me to see my bloody thigh and opened the shower door. Even though he was ready for a photoshoot with the band, he jumped into the shower and crouched down to me.

"Shhh baby." He hushed into my ear. He rubbed my shoulders lightly as I stayed in the ball. He sat on the ledge of the shower and comforted me. He pulled me in between his legs and wrapped his arms under my neck. He rested his chin on my head as he curled into the ball with me. He gently kissed my head.

"Its okay. Your okay." He picked the razor up and chucked it out the tub. The truth be told, I wasn't. I'm not okay and it's not alright. When I stopped crying to an extent he laid his chin on my shoulder and kissed my cheek.

"Come on. Wanna talk about it?"

Damn this man knew me.

I nodded and turned the shower off. I threw any clothes I could on. That was mix match bra and underwear with one of Andy's shirts. He dried off a bit and hopped into bed. He opened his arms and smirked a bit. My feet shuffled over to him as I buried my face in my hands to cry again. I laid my head on his chest and he scratched my head softly.

"Why am I not pregnant?" I asked.

"Shit happens. We can't do anything about it. I know its hard but it'll pass. It was my child too, but I wasn't really owning up to it. I'm sorry for that. But we'll have another kid and he will still be in our memories." He kissed my head again and his hands moved to my arm as he lightly scratched it.

"I don't think your understanding.." I sighed and sat up to look at him.

"What?" He asked "What am I not understanding." He seemed interested. Not like he was being cocky but he sounded engaged.

"I.. I carried him Andy. My own baby. I carried it everywhere I went. He was such a happy little baby. And I saw him. I could feel that he loved us. That he wanted to live but he co-" I broke off into crying as I cried into his chest.