Empty-Hearted Automaton

Is it wrong that I feel absolutely nothing?

The doctors told us today, I hear the words as if in a daze,

Not comprehending the news.

“She has breast cancer.”

My slowly my eyes seek out those of my sister,

And see they are already brimming with tears.

As she starts to sob I turn to my mother,

Noticing her eyes blink a couple of times,

And see that even though she is trying to be strong for us,

The redness and the swelling betray that frankly,

She is just as worried as we.

I turn to my father,

Knowing he will always be my pillar of strength,

His heart kind and true,

To witness his resolve strengthen,

And I know that he will do anything even though they are not blood.

We glance at one another,

Gauging each other’s reactions.

What do they see on my face?

I don’t even know.

I feel as if I am wrong to not be sobbing like my sister,

Or holding back tears like my mother,

Or already planning on ways to make it right like my father.

It seems almost blasphemous to me to not feel anything,

And yet, I cannot simply bring myself to have a reaction.

Almost as if Iam on the outside lookin in,

Simply a passerby peeking in the storefront window of my life,

Wondering really what it's like inside.

Is there something wrong with me?

She will have to fight a battle no one should fight,

And I feel nothing. A cold, empty-hearted automaton.

There is a slight tightness in my chest as my heart bangs painfully,

Blood rushing to my ears.

I want to cry,

To scream,

To shout,

Anything that will break me out of this numb stupor.

Is it wrong that I feel absolutely nothing?

Is this just a stage of grief?

Is this just the calm before the storm of emotions,

That I will have to face, just a little slower than the others?

Why can’t I cry?

Scream?

Shout?

Anything to express how I feel at the daunting news?

But I stand silently, Watching the others,

Before slipping away to solitutude of my sanctuary.

I do not deserve to be here with the comfort of family,

With these people who at least know how to feel,

In a time of great sorrow,

I retreat from their pitying looks,

I retreat from the confrontation of my feelings.

Looking in the mirror,

I am not surprised at what I see.

There must be something wrong with me.

Because my reflection as innocent as it seems,

Is a cold, empty-hearted automaton.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Hey, this is a poem I just found, I actually wrote it the same day I found out that my grandmother has breast cancer a couple of months ago. It's really bad, as I wrote it in a storm of emotions and sorrow, and it really isn't a poem, more of a short story...but I decided I would post it anyway, so here you go. Don't judge my writing ability on this because. like I said, I wrote it when I wasn't really thinking and just needed to write. If you ever need to vent about how hard life is or anything you're going through, just Private Message me and I'll be there.

-N