If things had gone how I had planned it would have been a year today... I cant even believe that its only been a year since a met you either.. I would have thought so much more time has passed. I feel like I have known you for a lifetime. I know I dont know nearly everything about you. I wish I did though. I can atleast say this, I know enough anout you that I dont regret dating you at all. Maybe if it wasnt for my selfishness and lies then we would still be together.. I dont know why I had to lie about Matt, Christi, and Taylor.. I could have told you from the begining that they werent real but Idk I didnt because I didnt want you to think that I was some crazy girl. I realize now that is stupid because now you know almost everything and you dont judge me for any of it. I have to admit that I still Love you maybe not like I use too but still. I have a new girlfriend now and im scared to see how that will turn out. Its not that Ive lied to herlike I did to you, I cant hurt someone like the way ive hurt you and if I did I would be ashamed. I'm ashamed I hurt you in the first place and if i could take it all back I would in an instant. The reason im scared is Im afriad to get hurt again or hurt her in some other way.. I wish I could talk to you in person but latley Ive been so isolated and I cant even be around people, even you.. But I can wish you were here to talk to me right? Im just afraid she'll hurt me or I'll hurt myself. I know she says she would never hurt me and Everyone says that in a relationship until they hurt them, I mean thats what you did and I dont blmae you anymore, youre so much happier with him and seeing you two and how happy you are sometimes makes me happy too.. although I sometimes am jealous. I cant live in fear of that or else i'll never learn to love anyone the way i had loved you. I mean fully dedicated to you, i told you everything and anything you wanted to know. Im not only afaid of getting hurt but of hurting her.. Its like this, latley everytime I go on tumblr or see someone so skinny or with scars and cuts I get so easily triggered.. So when I see her Its a challenge at first until i get use to it and chase the paranoia away. I dont want her to be afraid around me though.. not at all. I want her to be comfortable but I want her to be happy too and even though i am such a hipocrit for saying that because i know just because shes in a relationship that wont make her magically undepressedd because if that was the case then i wouldnt be in tears simply just writing this now.. Never the less I do want her to find something that makes her happy and I know that cant be me because we dont know where ill be tomorrow. If i leave what will she have then? Even if I hate someone i wouldnt wish them to be unhappy as I am..I dont even know where to end this or where I am even going with this I guess I just want to tell you that im scared.. really scared..Not just of being in love but of myself and my family and of you and of us. Im scared but Ive been getting better i mean i havent cut for nearly a month... that has to count for something i mean even though I want to every day I havent... I havent really told anyone how suicidal ive been feeling or anything because i dont want to worry anyone but everything seems to be coming otgether anf falling apart at the same time. Like my grandma had a heart attack, and my grandpa was in the emergency room again.. My dad cheating on my mom and they might be getting seperated.. My moms on oxygen but shewont stop doing drugs. My big sister was in jail twice in the past 60 days and we had to get her out , she lost her kids and shes doing drugs too. My other sister is practically missing, she might have to go to prision for drugs and I know nobody thinks this effects me because I act like it doesnt because I want to be strong but it does.. It hurts a lot to know. Theyre my family and I love them even if they dont love me back.. My mom thinks I hate her and so do my sisters.. my daddy says im not his daughter anymore because I'm a lesbian.. My grandma doesnt think I care about anyone but myself which is so untrue because I hate myself.. I hate my exsitance and I wish I wasnt born so maybe I wouldnt feel all this pain. But I have to be the one to be strong and make it through this all because if i dont then who will? I know everyones acting tough too but I can see them slipping at times when they have to much to drink.. My brother says he doesnt care but I know he does even if he says he doesnt because I can see it in his eyes that he hurts too. He wants to have a mom and dad that love him same as I do but all we can settle for is our grandparents.. I really wish I could take to you know and tell you whats going on because as I write this all more just keeps coming to mind and I can feel myself breaking apart. All that stuff i wanted to keep inside is coming out now.. Im going to try to sleep now before the voices get to loud. I have to be up early tomorrow.. I need to go before I do something stupid tonight.
