Diffusion

Night time.

I always think back to that night and say to myself, "you wouldn't have done it either way...". That day was pretty dead. The same exact pain that I had been suffering through since November the year before. For months all I had heard and felt were the violent, blue beats of my heart telling me to run away from it all. That relationship was nothing but pure hate from one heartless shell and loneliness from a deeply bruised but perfectly functioning heart that hated itself, this one was mine. I let the hands of that hate touch my body. I allowed it's "love" filled fists to bruise my face and the words that dripped from it's tongue dig into me as it's eyes diffused my mind. I turned cold against my own being. Finally after six long months of it, all of it successfully drove me into the darkness of my own consciousness.

That night, May 29, 2015, I waited until everyone had went to their beds and become hollow logs without a single hint of my pain, as they had always been, and I filled the bathtub and I poured half of the bottle of bleach from the kitchen into it and I took a razor from my grandmother's make-up bag. I planned to slit my wrists and drown myself in that bathtub. As I was about to begin, my uncle went into the kitchen and interrupted me. He called me into there and I went. He told me that he wanted to show me something funny and I had agreed, trying to be as normal as possible. As he used my Facebook search engine to find his own page, I noticed a familiar name.
It was a Facebook username but his name that lied at the end of it is really the part that stuck out to me. I pressed the "send friend request" button, simply out of curiosity. But for some odd reason I felt that God was trying to stall me.

The friend request immediately returned itself and I decided to message him. I started the conversation with a simple "Hey.". At this point, oddly, after all of that pain and negative thinking that night, something seemed to be pulling me away from what I had set up for my night. I had known Tyler White for a few months now and he was an associate of my boyfriend, at that point, and his brother. We had become somewhat close and considered one another as friends. Our conversation felt comforting to me. After six months, I had felt the warmth of care and friendship that had slipped away from me and been lost in time with my life.

He made me forget that the worries and sorrows in my soul had ever even existed. He took my mind on a ride down a road made of everything that I had ever wanted. For once in my life, I believed my prayers had been answered and it felt so amazing. He told me that he had liked me for a while and that he wanted to be with me. Secretly, I had felt the same but ignored the feeling in fear of being hurt more than I already had been. I told him that. I had denied him my heart that night but I regretted it right after. I was feeling things that had been snatched from my chest and burned and I could not explain the awe within my cheeks.

He gave me a song...you should listen to it. Actually, I would like for you to do me favor, right now go and search any music app that you have for this song. I want you to feel what my heart beat that night, as his words pulled me away from ending my life. It's called "Alone Together" by Daley. As you listen, think of the love that you hold or have held for someone. You may feel what I did, I pray that you do. You deserve to feel that.

The next day, I broke up with my boyfriend and I told my new lover to "consider me" his. That is how we began.