Just a Diary

My past depression

(Trigger warning-dark and depressing)

         Now, my depression started rather early. I was around 9 or 10 when everything kinda fell through, I was in that awkward phase of the generic love for BVB, MCR, and just basically that whole emo phase. Now the emo phase didn't last for long because I thought it was just really fuckin' dumb, I became a part of it in the first place because I hated myself, but I thought ya know being emo was about hating your life so I said that, and after awhile of just sitting and crying I realized that I didn't hate my life I hated myself, with a burning passion.

         Now, it had been 'bout a few years or so (I was in 6th grade)after realizing my self hatred, my awful body image, and my stress, and anxiety that I completely crumbled... I began to cut my wrist, it was my only release and it became weirdly addicting. Press, slice, dribble, press, slice, bleed, press, draw, and release. I had cut for a few months until one day we were going someplace in the car and I guess my brother had enough and pointed out the cuts on my wrists to my parents... This made it even worse, they didn't address the situation they screamed it at me, they set me up in imeadiate therapy(that didn't help for shit) in which they continued for months just blowing away cash on some fucking blonde who asked me how I felt and to draw Pictures. I eventually stopped cutting, obviously, but I still attempted and thought of suicide after that many times. But I can really thank one person from keeping me away from the pills, the knife, and the noose. 

         Trust me I love(d) my friends they were basically family except for my trans boyfriend but I'll get to him in another chapter, I thought that I was such a burden on them that they'd be better off without me, that I was fucking worthless trash that deserved nobody. Now the one who kept me here was (cliché I know) was Mark Fischbach a.k.a. Markiplier GAME. After watching him since his old and dead channel (Markiplier), after watching him for I believe four years now he has grown to be just like a big, goofy brother to me. I personally consider Mark one of my best friends. I remember coming home just bawling my eyes out I found pills to take and my phone went off signaling that somebody just uploaded a video, it was Mark... I put away the pills still sniffing and turned on the video. I can't exactly remember what video but I know that it takes someone special to make you giggle, smile, cry of happiness and laugh until your stomach hurts when just moments before you were about to kill yourself. If it wasn't for Mark I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't be alive.

     Granted, just because I'm still alive does not mean I'm perfectly well, I'm still struggling with my body, definitely social anxiety and I still that those thoughts but rarely, like extremely rarely. Now it is currently... aH iS 2:23 AM Thank You you guys for listening, give feedback if you'd like, and I will talk with you in the chapter...

😘Buh-byyyee, Mystic Blitz