That Obscure Moment

{2} Pre-arranged

I hold a kiss as leverage as well – being that it is more intimate to me. If I were asked to explain myself, I'm not even sure I'd be able to. There was just something about being face to face with someone that makes it feel more passionate. You know that person is right in front of you and enjoying the kiss just as much. Not like being pounded from the back, which didn't exactly strike me as loving.

And that is exactly why I was this dogged for the photo. I wanted to look back on this night and remember it. I wanted to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. You never know how numbered your days are. And since this was our last night together before I left to Laura's summer house, I would make sure Peter would have a photo to look at. He knew I wouldn't take a selfie for him.

A small part of me was hesitant to spend so much alone time with Laura. We had the sort of friendship where we could discuss anything; without any limits. I knew my relationship would be a frequent topic, which made me tense. After all, you don't hear every day that the power couple of the year is just an unrequited pair. Either way, I would never want to be referred to as part of a 'power couple'. That would signify that people look up to us and wish they had what we have. Perhaps in Peter's mind, that is a good thing.

"I think the fireworks will start in like two hours," I mused, my thoughts remaining a million miles away. Peter cleared his throat, just because he didn't know how to continue the conversation. Another regularity. I found myself perpetually chattering just to rid the air of silence. In my opinion, silence is sometimes appreciated at the right moment; but it becomes unpleasant when it becomes chronic. Thus, I usually pulled something out of my ass and started babbling about random things.

"We should probably start walking to the beach now. We'll be early, but at least we'll find a good spot." I heard my voice talking but I felt like it belonged to someone else. Whenever I zoned out, it felt like an out-of-body experience. I could observe myself from the side, but I couldn't control what came out of other-me's mouth. It didn't take much to see Peter agreeing and rushing to put on his shoes.

Why did I feel like I always called the shots but I was helpless at the same time?

I knew the answer to the first part at least. Peter was not one to assert his dominance in most situations, unless he became veritably stubborn about select things. He usually just waited for me to make a decision and went along with it, rarely putting up an actual fight. At first it was empowering, but then it grew tedious.

I'm not one to join a feminist club and hold up signs protesting gender roles. In fact, I have a separate opinion about feminists these days. Feminism used to be something...pure, something worth fighting for. Women never would have gotten the right to vote if it weren't for the admirable groups that struggled for it. But as the decades passed, feminism became a joke – in my humble opinion.

When someone thinks "feminist", they most likely associate that term to a gay woman that doesn't shave and has a male haircut. This includes me, as well. The people that fought for feminism used to stand for equal rights. Nowadays, they just want woman empowerment, and for men to be inferior to them. I view that as ludicrous. Men and women serve their purposes in different ways, and one cannot be better than the other.

I don't know if this is just me, but I would feel a hell of a lot safer if a stocky 6'4" policeman showed up at my urgent phone call rather than a 5'3" blonde who had the upper body strength of a squirrel. Just as I would trust women more in the kitchen. That doesn't make me sexist. It makes me a realist. You don't see fathers with a 9-5 job teaching their daughters how to bake. I consider that a basic assumption. I am not saying it is like this in every family. But I think I established my point there.

Enough of my rant on feminism. The point I was leading up to was gender roles. I won't even pretend that I believe there is only one way to do it or the highway. Each and every person is different with their beliefs, and there is nothing wrong with that. I won't judge a girl who wants to be a stay at home housewife while her husband is working all day. Nor would I judge a self-regulating girl who doesn't rely on men to survive. In fact, I don't judge people much. Unless they make an unwise decision that I don't agree with. Then, I reserve the right to be an arbitrator.

Look at me, getting off topic again. Back to my point. The way I view gender roles is relative, meaning it's not one extreme or the other. It's somewhere in the middle, give or take. I am neither a dominant nor a submissive. Hence, I don't like making decisions all the time. I would have liked Peter, or any guy I am with, to contribute a bit more.

In our relationship, I was in charge. But I am not a leader (or follower), so it didn't feel appropriate. It felt like I was placed onto a king's throne and told to rule a kingdom and govern the military. Sure, I could give some tips, but how much do I know about the military?

These thoughts were just scratching the surface of the glacier inside my head, which looked harmless on the outside but was full of secrets within. I didn't realize how much time had passed since we left and started walking. I even failed to recall putting on my own shoes and exiting his apartment.

Peter didn't mind the silence; in fact, he welcomed it. It gave him the chance to mull over things he was interested about in his own life: the mediocre grades he finished the year with; anticipation about the courses that would be more difficult in the fall.

It only felt like a few seconds had passed since I got lost in thought. But before I knew it, there was already sand between my toes. I tried to return to reality then, but I felt oddly dazed and neutral - the type of aloof you feel when you don't care about anything in that moment.

The beach was getting more crowded by the minute. It was quite beautiful the way the colorful Coney Island lights illuminated the water, making it shine in the dead of night. The sun had set a while ago, and the sky seemed to be the same shade as the water: a murky navy blue. From what I was told, the fireworks were to begin right after the sunset. They could have happened any moment.

Peter and I had found a great spot in the front of the crowd. For a fleeting moment, I scanned the abundance of people. There were many groups of friends and couples scattered around the general area. I couldn't say I saw more couples than friends. It gave me a jolt of superiority that not as many people had thought to come here and take a Hallmark greeting card photo like I was planning to.

I heard a small pop in the sky and whirled around, seeing the remains of the lone purple sparkles fading away into the night. Wearing an actual smile for once, I gripped Peter's hand.

"It's starting!" I announced, stating the clearly obvious fact. The sky became full of pink, blue and purple sparkles. I faced the group of boys to my left and tapped the one closest to me on the shoulder.

After politely asking him to take a quick photo of us, he agreed and jumped up off the ledge he was sitting on. I handed him my phone and thanked him graciously, as if it were an honor to be indulged by this stranger.

He took a few steps back and had his finger a hairs length away from the camera button, waiting for us to pose. I put Peter a small step in front of me, assessing the distance between us. While licking my hand and smoothing out his frazzled hair, I felt like his mother. The fireworks continued behind us as I rushed to take the picture already. While burying my feet in the sand to look shorter, I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. We stood there frozen for what seemed like an eternity, our lips pressed together. I subconsciously held my breath and sucked in my stomach, making an effort to appear smaller. Why is it that girls always want to be shorter and skinnier?

I pulled away with eagerness. The stranger gave me my phone back and left before I had time to thank him again. Pressing the home screen and tapping "Camera Roll", I could feel my heart pounding. Peter was looking over my shoulder, not seeming to care that much.

The photo filled up my screen and I couldn't take my eyes off it. The fireworks continued in front of us but I didn't even notice. This moment seemed as frozen as our kiss together. How could I have known it would be the last time I gaped at that photo?