my worst goodbye.

I'm not ready, just yet.

'Dear Diary.

Today is the day of my mums' funeral and I'm not sure if I'm ready to say goodbye just yet. Its hard to believe to have my mum no longer with us, its not just quite sunk in yet. I mean will it ever sink in? will I ever get past the hardest stage? Will I ever stop crying? Will my eyes stop being so red and puffy from the tears? Will the tear stains disappear? Right now, there are currently a million thoughts going through my mind. A million things I have to process. A million things that are going to happen today. My house is so crowded, people are constantly surrounding me, hugging me, kissing my cheek, telling me its all going to be okay, but is it? I'm a 15 year old girl who has lost a huge part of her life and they're telling me everything is going to be okay? I don't even know anymore, is it going to be okay? Are all these emotions going to stop overpowering me? Is everyone going to stop pestering me? Will I ever be left alone? I'm the sort of person who likes to deal with it their own way, and my way is to write it down or just cry and listen to sad music, I like to be alone... but over the past few days I haven't been able to do either of those things. I'm just slowly beginning to give up on life...

I see my mums car outside, along with ours. I just want the ground to swallow me up at this moment in time then spit me out when the worst part is over.'

Then I closed my old, ripped and torn diary and slipped it under my pillow while I waited for everyone to go outside, but of course my family had to go out first. I hate it, I hate everything. Seeing her, my mum, a 45 year old woman, a sister, an auntie, a neighbour, a friend, laying there in a coffin with pink lilies just made me breakdown, crying into my uncles arms while seeing my dad sobbing into his hands while holding my 12 year old sister in his arms.

Everyone is coming to me asking if i'm okay, I mean do I look okay? I'm crying, sobbing infact and im okay? Everyone is crying, thinking about what great times they had with my mum, their friend, their neighbour, their auntie, their sister.

As everyone gets into their cars driving to the crematorium, we all lay our head on the back of the car seats and close our eyes wishing for the whole day to be over.