Lovelies

"Okay," Marcus whispered to Richard, "Do whatever you need to, Brother. But I'm not going to be here for the water works." I could hear his shoes tapping against the marble floor as Marcus left. This left Richard standing outside all alone. I wouldn't hurt to see him for a second, I thought to myself.

I crossed the room, and opened the heavy wooden door, slowly. Richard stood at the end of the hall, leaning against the wall. I walked slowly, picking my skirt up, and could see that his eyes were closed. Thankfully, I had not put on my heels yet, so I didn't make a sound as I walked down the candle lit hallway.

When I got to him, I walked in front of him and stood on my toes. For I was at least a foot smaller than him. I lightly kissed his cheek, wanting to save our kiss for the ceremony. Richard didn't even open his eyes, there wasn't even his signature smirk playing on his lips.

"Hey, love," I whispered while wrapping my arms around his neck. Richard's dark and brooding eyes bored into my own pale gray ones. I smiled, not even trying to hide my emotions. I was so happy, but that didn't even cover half of it. I was ecstatic, energetic, joyful, carefree and so much more right now. I was basically bursting at the seems with love for this one man.

I love him.

Not something that I say often to anyone. If I say "I love you", to anybody, I mean it.

"Love," I nuzzled into his neck, and inhaled his cologne. Just this smell alone made me crazy, "I can't believe that we're getting married in an hour. I love you. Nobody has ever made me feel this way. I don't only love you, but what you've done for me: You made me finally love myself, scars and all. I'll never be able to repay you for all your love, tenderness, emotions, just everything. I love you."

I just kept rambling on and on. I had to tell him this; I was just so over come by emotions that this felt right. Not just telling him, but being in this moment with Richard. This was our little moment, in an old Victorian church, on this night. Everything in my life was finally right for once, and I didn't have a care in the world.

"Hannah," Richard whispered, "We need to talk." He unwrapped my arms from his neck and took a step away from me. I suddenly felt cold without him. I shivered, not only on the inside did I feel cold, but physical I was cold without him. He was my sun, my warmth, even though we were the same temperature.

"I can't marry you, Hannah." Richard stated. Inside my heart, I felt something snap.

"W-what?" I stuttered. No, I was screaming inside, no, he can't leave me! "What do you mean you can't marry me? Richard, if you need time that's okay, we can post-pone the wedding till-,"

"Till nothing, Hannah." Richard interrupted. He had never interrupted me before, never once in the three years that we've been together, "I don't love you. How could I ever love you? Look at yourself. I deserve better."

"What?" I cried, "What do you mean, Richard? You always tell me that I'm beautiful, you made me see myself as beautiful finally. You- You can't do this to me..." I sobbed the last part. How could he say after all this time, all of these memories that he didn't love me?

"Because," He started, glancing down at my dress, then staring me straight in the eyes, "Who could love a girl with scars?"

The dress became very heavy, were as before I couldn't even tell that I was wearing it as it was that light. I looked down and a sob raced through me. The dressed was soaked crimson, pain raced through my body in every spot where I had ever harmed. I cried as the dress vanished, and a mirror had appeared on the wall next to me.

I screamed as I caught a glimpse of myself. Gashes, cuts, bruises, and burns covered my body, from my ankles to my chest. Everywhere hurt to touch, physical, and mentally, it hurt to look at. Blood poured out of the cuts and dripped to the concert floor, leaving me drenched. I cried into my hands, and it felt like my stomach was twisting.

I looked back up, and bit down on my hand to keep myself from sobbing. You could clearly see every bone in my body. The horrible after taste that you have after you purge came rushing into my mouth. It almost made me want to purge again.

I pushed myself up against the church wall, and curled into a ball, tucking my head into my knees. I cried, the hot tears mixing with the still flowing blood. I could feel myself almost shrinking.

When I looked back up again, I sighed. I was back in my childhood room, and looked how I did when I was thirteen. An awkward haircut replaced the beautiful curls, the magazine worthy makeup was now cheap drugstore mascara and nothing else. I was shorter too. Back to my normal five two height. I was myself again.

There had been no Richard, no wedding, Niki was still thousand miles a way, and I was still alone. The horrible after taste of purging remained, and the cuts didn't pour out as much blood now. But everything still hurt.

I laid there on the hardwood floor of my room, staring into my mirror. Looking down, I had a choice to make.

A gun, razor, rope, pills, lighter, and a note laid on the purple rug in front of me. The note was a poem though,

"The music stopped working,

And so did her heart.

She tried different bands,

But she still fell apart.

With the gun to her head,

She whispers,

To all my lovelies. I hope you fall apart"