Taking Chances

Two

She's awakened by a loud knock on her door. She opens one eye to check the digital clock on her bedside table - 6:12 AM. It's a Saturday and she had turned off the alarm last night because, hey, a dying person deserves to wake up any time she wants to. Five successive loud knocks bring her back to her senses.

"Nay naman, ang aga aga! Wala akong gagawin," she groans as she stands from the bed to open the door but before she could do so, it swings wide open and the smiling face of Richard greets her. She runs back to her bed and clutches the blanket close to her chest.

"Jusko, Richard. Anong ginagawa mo dito? Wala akong bra, ano ba!"

"Ay naku, Menggay. Marami na akong nakita na mas malaki pa diyan. Huwag na mag-inarte."

Her eyes widen in surprise.

"In a span of one minute, you managed to do three things. One, binulabog mo ang bahay namin alas-sais ng umaga. Two, naistorbo mo ang napakahimbing kong tulog. Three, ininsulto mo ang dede ko. Signal number four ka ba? Grabe lang the damage ha."

He laughs in response, flashing that adorable dimple of his.

"Let me address that, please. One, hindi ko binulabog ang parents mo. They were already up, nakita ko si Nanay nagwawalis na sa labas. Two, pag namatay ka na, you'll have all the time for tulog. Three, hindi ko ininsulto ang dede mo. Ang sabi ko lang, I've seen bigger ones. Okay na? Come on, up na. Let's do something exciting today."

"Wow, sa lahat naman ng taong suicidal, ikaw lang yata ang excited sa buhay."

He walks toward her bed and sits down beside her.

"Kasi," he starts, suddenly turning serious, "I want to do something good in my life. Well, not naman na masama akong tao but sabi nila people who commit suicide go straight to hell. Eh yung impyerno na nga ang buhay ko dito tapos impyerno din ang bagsak ko, d ba? So I want to experience my own version of heaven."

"Chard?"

"Hmm?"

"Bakit gusto mong magpakamatay? Brokenhearted ka ba?"

"No," he answers, shaking his head, "Hindi reason yun para magpakamatay. Ang solution diyan is to get back on your feet and show that asshole what he or she is missing. Yun."

"Deep ha. Pero bakit nga?"

He sighs and reaches out for her hand.

"I told you already. Pagod na'ko. I couldn't fucking remember a time that I felt so happy except when I finally decided to commit suicide. Parang a really heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. Yung thought na wala na akong iisipin bukas kasi tapos na lahat."

She does not say a thing. Instead, she grips his hand tightly.

"It's not even a one-time, big-time problem eh. Little things lang. Like the fact that I still feel na I have to prove myself every single time. Yung pressure to be the best? Siguro nasa utak ko lang yun pero it weighs me down. Kasi ever since my mom died, nawala rin yung constant reassurances eh, yung may nagsasabi sa'yo na you're doing the right thing, you're doing a good job, and that proud siya sa'yo. Kelangan pala yun ng tao."

Silence descends in the room. Maine could not trust herself to speak because of the huge lump that has formed in her throat so they kept quiet for a couple of minutes. They're both lying on the bed right now, their legs touching the floor.

"Chard?," she asks in a soft voice.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry about what happened to your mom."

"Okay lang yun. Shit happens."

"A death in the family is never okay, Chard. Nobody gets used to the pain of losing a loved one. Can you promise me one thing?"

He turns his head sideways to look at her.

"Ano yun?"

"Huwag kang ma-inlove sa'kin."

He belts out a loud laugh.

"Wow naman, sige pagtawanan mo 'ko ngayon. Okay lang. Just don't cry at my funeral."

"Bakit? Pag umiyak ba, love na agad yun?"

"You don't shed tears for people who don't matter, Chard."

He nods.

"I did some reading last night. Rapidly progressive pala yang sakit mo."

"Yes. They can't give me a timeframe. I could die tomorrow, you know."

"O, eh ba't pa tayo nakahiga rito?," he shuffles to his feet and reaches out a hand toward her, "tayo ka na diyan and let's work on making you fall in love with me."

*****