(( WARNING
THIS CONTAINS DARK AND DEPRESSING THEMES. THIS IS JUST A STORY. SONE OF IT IS FRON EXPERIENCE BUT I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY OF THE ACTIONS IN HERE AS ALL OF IT IS VERY SERIOUS. IF YOU FEEL IN ANY WAY AFFECTED, STOP READING AND DO SOMETHING HAPPY.))
The voices never stop. There is never blissful silence, they just keep going. I can't stand it. I feel like I'm going crazy or being overly paranoid. I use music to drown it all out but you can't just constantly listen to music. Electronic die, just like people, friendships, and dreams.
Maybe when I die, they'll see that I actually cared, that I wasn't trying to be that selfish. I'm by myself, everybody that I cared about left me. How long can I keep doing this? I'm not the only one with problems. Others have it worse and they aren't crippled with their emotions. They aren't acting or lashing out on other. When they want to talk about their problems they do. I wish I could, but everyone around me has their own problems, I won't add on to that.
This razor has to be the answer, it was the answer when I lost my voice, when I lost my mother, when I lost my girlfriend, when I lost my mind, my happiness, my security, my everything. It is the only thing that's every been there for me. I was too depressing for all the others, and so they left. I know its hard for them too, but not everyone has the same level of tolerance for something. I wanna be happy, I really do. It's so hard to even think 'happy' now.
I've changed, but so have they. They make it seem so easy to let go. I drop the razor and close my eye as it soflty clinks to the hard wood floor. I'm not doing this again. I can pull through and be as carefree as them. I can hide my feelings and not let them go. If I can keep my life in the dark, I can be free. I pick the razor up.
Dammit.
It makes me happier than they can. I'm constantly trying to be better for them. Can't they just see that. They say I never smile anymore, that's not even true. I'm smiling now, even as tears spill from my heart and eyes. Thinking of how I'll miss my family, but of how better off they will be without me.
I put the razor on the bathroom sink and hold my breath. I grab the razor again, still holding my breath, then I let go. I need the blade more than I need air. I'm pathetic. This is my weakness. I can't talk to anyone, but I need help. I think this is the hell planned for me. Some greater power wants me to suffer for every wrong thing I've ever done. I was happy, nothing that bad even happened today, so why am I hurting?
I need to calm down, I'm over doing it again. Everything is fine. I put the razor down. I'm okay, everyone else is okay. I can always make new friends, and I could always talk to a counselor if I need to. Maybe I could go to therapy and get help, maybe I could get put on a medication to help. Nothing is wrong.
I. Need. To. Breathe.
I get up and exit the bathroom and go to my room, but before I leave, I grab the razor. Seeing memories in the place I grew up play before me as if on a projector screen, makes me feel guilty. I always was in the background, never joining in on anything as I sat in a corner or away from others. In the moment I always had enjoyed my solitude, but I would regret it later as I realized that no one cared.
I gasp as I drag the blade across my wrist. I quickly return to the bathroom and think about all the people I pushed away as I make another slash in my arm. Soon my arms are covered in deep cuts as my thoughts take over. I thought I was going to be okay, I was wrong. Slice. Breathe, I need to breathe. Why is my other arm bloody too?
Oh no. What have I done? I was okay, I swear. This should have never happened. I'm losing a lot of blood. What do I do? Maybe I can stop it. I turn the faucet in the bath tub on and turn the dial in the middle for lukewarm water. As the blood rinses off, I see my mistake. I can't stop this. I went too far, like always.
Why am I even trying? I'm going to let go. I was feeling very light headed anyways. Everything is getting darker. It hard to remember to breathe, but I do. I repeat a mantra in my head.
Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just-
