write the stars

week two, day one

It was exactly 3am and Tyler couldn't sleep. To be fair, he could hardly ever sleep. It was always hard for him to rest because of his messy thoughts and ideas that never wanted to focus on a single subject. His tendency to fidget or move around when he was nervous didn't help either. He did most of his writing very early in the morning when his thoughts were becoming overpowering. The moonlight was bright enough that he didn't need to turn on his lamp and a near-cold breeze drifted into his room through a cracked window. Tonight was a night where he would normally write, but he was too anxious to pick up a pen or even get out of bed to walk to his small desk.

He was shaking, it was hard for him to hold all of his emotions in. Thoughts were the one thing he had trouble concealing; he was a bad liar. Tyler held his phone to his chest shakily and waited for an "everything's-going-to-be-okay" text from his charming and uplifting boyfriend whom he'd called earlier.

No reply. No reply all day. No reply all week.

Tyler took deep, steadying breaths and closed his eyes, humming softly to himself.

He wasn't sure what brought on today's panic attack or why he was so upset lately. He'd met and fell in love with a cute boy from his hometown and recently gotten a job. He still had trouble convincing himself he had nothing to worry about, though he recognized that was an rational thought. He was doing great.

He'd even tried many new hobbies in the past few weeks, now that he didn't have many people around him to spend time with. (Rather, he didn't have many people he wanted  to spend time with.) He tried drawing but wasn't very good at it, and it was slightly frustrating to him. He also bought many puzzles to solve but was ultimately more frustrated with those.

The dark house was quiet except for the soft rustling of papers disturbed by wind. Tyler kept humming, finding the tune and view from his window quite soothing. Fluffy clouds drifted by lazily and Tyler watched them quietly. Writing was his favorite creative outlet, and when no one was around to read his work, he wrote about nature and the sky. Especially the night sky. Clear nights like this made him long for the ability to draw- he'd love to capture the graceful movement of clouds in a sketchbook.

He had always considered himself an astrophile; someone who loves or finds interest in the stars. Sometimes, on nights like these when he couldn't sleep, he would lay outside and watch the sky and trace the bright constellations in the air with his finger.

When Josh was over, he would lay outside with him and try to name every constellation he could see. In the day, they would lay together and look at the clouds, trying to find shapes within them. They would laugh and see who could come up with the strangest cloud creature. Josh would always tease him about acting childish whenever they would lay down and talk about Tyler's love for nature, and Tyler often had no response. Sure, it was childish, but it was soothing and calming to him and made him feel peaceful.

Tyler checked his phone, squinting at the brightness, and sighed when he stared at his background. No new notifications. His clock blinked 3:24.

Tyler rubbed his tired eyes and put his phone on his nightstand next to the bed. If Josh was going to text him back, he figured, the text would have been sent by now, or the call would have been made. Josh would have helped him by now.

He was starting to feel better despite the absence of kind words or inspirational quotes. He slowly climbed out of his bed a returned half a minute later with a glass of tap water. He set it down next to his phone lightly and walked across the small room to his window. He opened it fully and looked outside, savoring the way the cool wind rested on his wet cheek.

He was on the second floor of his somewhat-tiny gray house and wasn't too high up. To others, his view from the window was nothing extravagant, just the tops of some trees and a small green hill. To him, the view was something breathtaking and near magical; it calmed him down immediately. The tips of the blades of grass swayed slightly. Tyler watched the gentle breeze carry a red leaf and place it gently on his black-paved driveway.

He was fascinated by the way each star had its own beam of light that illuminated the tiny white roses growing next to his house. He admired the way the soft light rested on the soft petals of the delicate rose. He admired the way the tiny stars tricked you into believing the thorny flower was one of beauty and elegance.

Tyler took one more deep breath to clear his mind and went back to bed. His clock read 3:57. He wasn't aware of how much time had passed. Tyler's phone alerted him that he had a missed voicemail from his friend Debby three minutes ago. He loved talking to her but wasn't in the mood to act cheery, which he always had to do around her. Plus, he needed to rest. It was 4am and he needed to be up by 8. He closed his eyes and made another attempt at sleep, knowing he'd feel terrible in the morning operating on a few hours of disturbed sleep. Tyler felt a nervous, sinking feeling in his gut whenever he thought of Josh recently. He had no idea where he was or what he was doing or what people were around him. He didn't get his "good morning" text in weeks, nothing since he moved about 50 miles away from Tyler's house. Josh had said it was nothing personal, that it was because of work, that they would talk and see each other again soon. Tyler believed him.

He tangled himself in the thin sheets and tried to imagine that his boyfriend was here, but was kept up by the constant reminder that they hadn't talked in agonizingly long weeks.

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[a/n]: this is my first fic that I've written in awhile and the first one I published here. Any and all constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated, feel free to point out any errors! :)

Playlist:

Before You Start Your Day // twenty one pilots

Truce // twenty one pilots

Golden // fall out boy

When The Day Met The Night // panic! at the disco