I know you may never be able to forgive me. I am not asking that of you. I never will because I know that, for who you are; who I know you are, you will try. I know that you think of me. Just like I think of you. You see, I thought about it for a long time. What it would do to you. To mom. Dad. I thought about what it would mean for me. I decided that it was my only choice. Not because I thought you didn't need me. I know now that you did. Just like I needed you. I know that a lot of people, in their own way, showed their love. I know you miss me. I hope you know that, for what it's worth, I miss you too.
I want everyone to know – you especially, that this was not easy for me. There was so much that passed through my head before I decided. Do you remember that one time that I lost my kite? It was right after the last day of school. It was really windy out. My birthday had just passed and mom and dad got me this awesome kite. It was blue and red and black and shaped like a Chinese dragon. I couldn't wait to fly it.
You always picked on me for my obsession with Chinese dragons but you always found a way to surprise me with on every year after you got home from wherever you were. Anyway, I was so excited to be out of school for the year and the weather was just right. I took the kite out of my closet. It hadn't even been opened yet. I ran outside and I saw you sitting under that tree in the back yard, the one where we had all of those "adventures". The wind blew your hair out of your face and you looked up at me, smiling. I couldn't help but laugh because I thought that you looked like you belonged in one of those cheesy romantic movies that I always used to watch. You used to make fun of me for those too.
I ripped open the box and you jumped up and ran over to me. "Is it finally time to see it in action?" You seemed almost as excited as I was. It had been a while since I saw you like that. I want you to know that, even though I had been waiting for so long to fly my kite, I had been waiting even longer to see you happy again.
I stared in awe as I watched the giant beast soar over our heads, casting it's shadow over us like a massive storm cloud. Even though it was just a cheap piece of shaped paper at the end of a string being thrown about by random gusts of wind; I found it to be the most incredible thing. Because you were there. Because you were happy. I was happy. Together, we were happy.
But then the wind picked up and it got harder to keep a hold of. You grabbed my wrists to help me control it but the wind just got stronger, almost as if it were in a tug of war contest with us. We were laughing at how the wind, something so simple, was beating us both. I was laughing so hard that I didn't pay attention to where I was going and I tripped over you. We tumbled to the ground and our grip loosened just enough for the wind to rip the dragon right out of our hands. We lost.
At first I didn't know what was happening. We were on the ground laughing harder than we had in a long time but then I looked up and I saw that my dragon was being taken away. Flying higher and higher; farther and farther. I know it was just a cheap piece of paper on a string but it hurt you know? I don't know what made it sting so much but it did. I jumped up and I tried to chase it. I knew that I would never be able to catch it but something told me not to let go. You caught up to me and pulled me to the ground, stopping me from running any farther. My heart was racing and I could barely breathe. I looked up at you, tears streaming from my eyes and you just smiled. Do you remember what you said to me? I do.
You said "Why are you crying? I know that it meant a lot to you but you had fun right? Even if it was just for a moment, you had fun. Even if it was just for a moment, you were happy right?" All I could do was nod. "Then there is nothing to cry about. As you watch it fly away and fade from your sight, remember how it made you feel and know that, sometime in the future, whether it is today or years from now, someone else will get to feel the same joy that you felt. Someone else will get to smile the way that you smiled. How may people get a chance to share their happiness with someone else? Letting go may be the greatest gift you ever get to give someone."
I didn't understand that then. I cried for a long time. To me, that was the gift that brought us together again. That was the time that we both got to be happy again. Even if it was just for a single moment, that was the gift that got you to smile.
That is the one memory that I always think about. Every time the wind picks up, I remember your smile. I remember what you told me and no matter how deep the pain went, no matter how much I wished I could have held on, I smiled too.
I know that you may never forgive me. I know that you wish as hard and as hopelessly as I do. I also know that it doesn't always help. For all the hope, the pain, the tears and the desperate need for one more moment of not letting go; sometimes it is beyond your control.
............
I watched today as they lowered you down into the ground. I listened to the speech that the priest gave about how someone so young, so precious was taken far before her time. I listened as he spoke of hope and pain and regret and not wanting to let go. And then I stood up. When everyone else was in tears and missing you, I stood up. And I smiled. I walked forward and took the place of the preacher. And I smiled. I know you may never forgive me...but I smiled. I told them everything that I've told you since the night you left us. The last day of school. The kite. Everything. But most importantly, I told them about what you told me.
You always made everyone smile. You made everyone happy. And I know that, whether it is today or many years from now, somewhere, you will get to make someone else feel the same way. How many people get to share their happiness with someone else right? I know you may never forgive me but I am letting you go. Not because I want to or because I have to but because I know that if I do, it will be the greatest gift I ever get to give to whomever comes next.
