Let Her Go (girlxgirl) (lesbian story)

Chapter Sixty

"How did you see how bad I was?" I asked. "I thought it was only Sabby and Zoey."

"She was there too, baby," Sabby said. "She came right at the end."

"Are you sure?" I asked, wondering why I wouldn't remember that. Surely more people witnessing my breakdown was something I'd clock even in that state: it was exactly the kind of thing my brain liked to torture me with.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"I didn't realise. I must've been too gone to notice. Sorry, Charlie."

Charlotte shrugged, not meeting my eyes. I frowned. Was she mad at me or, God, was it possible that what she'd seen had changed the way she saw me? The pit of my stomach fell away and the weight I'd been relieved of suddenly pressed back down on my shoulders. I pulled my hand from Sabby's and wrapped my arms around my torso, forming a barrier between me and the outside world. Why couldn't I just disappear?

"I need some air," I said, starting towards the exit only to be held back by Sabastienne wrapping an arm around my waist. "What?" I snapped, "let me go."

"Are you allowed?" she asked, her tone soft, placating.

"I don't give a shit." Sabby didn't let go and I sighed, "I'm not about to throw myself under a car, I just want to be outside. You can come too, if you're that worried."

And she did.

A few deep breaths of hospital car park air sorted me out and I wrapped my arms around Sabastienne, whispering 'sorry' against her collarbone. She stroked my hair, her touch gentle and comforting.

"It's okay."

I inhaled deeply, snuggling closer. She pressed her lips to the top of my head and a bubble of warmth swelled in my chest.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Malyshka."

We stood in the quiet for a while, then went back inside to speak to my parents.

***

"I think we should talk now," I said. It was late, well after midnight, and I was cuddled into Sabastienne's side, both of us sharing my hospital bed. When a nurse had told her she wasn't allowed to be there Sabby had fixed her with a cold stare until she left. I didn't normally like when she did that but had it been her in this bed I know I would've done the same thing so I didn't say a word. Plus, maybe then she would've left and I'd have had to stay in this creepy room all alone. Uh, no thanks.

"Are you sure?" Sabby asked softly.

"Yeah ... I think. It's better to talk, isn't it? So we should."

"It is better to talk, yes, but we don't have to right now."

I thought about it. "I want to. It'll mean I've done something towards getting better, even if it makes me look like an idiot."

"You could never look like an idiot," Sabby said, brushing her fingers across my cheek. I nodded, fingers of dread working their way through my body despite her reassurance. I never spoke about this and I hoped the significance of the discussion ahead wouldn't be lost on her. If I could even go through with it. Which I would, I swore to myself, because this wasn't just speaking about it, this was offering an explanation to Sabastienne, the most amazing person in my life, and I really hoped my subconscious mind knew the difference. I couldn't run from this.

"I'm so scared," I admitted in a whisper.

"Of what?"

"Changing things." I fought the urge to distance myself from her. Stupid reflexes.

"It won't change things."

I sighed and sat up straight, "But it will. Even if you don't think it has, what I'm going to say will still be out there and once it's out it won't go away again, like toxic waste."

"We'll get hazmat suits then. Baby, I promise talking about it won't make everything different."

"Then I guess I feel selfish because you have it so much fucking worse and I'm making this all about me. Zoey was telling me that it's okay to feel bad and that I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings but it's ... I don't know, I can't believe that. If I just forced it down a little more it'd disappear and then everything would be better."

Sabastienne shook her head, not disapprovingly but like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Do you think that would work?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, "I like it better that way regardless of whether it would work.

"Why do you like it better?" I didn't answer. "Do you trust me, Robbie?" she asked, her brown eyes intense because in the end that was what it really came down to.

And I didn't know what to say.