In Too Deep

Chapter One: Fake

Happy, what a funny word. It's an emotion, but why can't we all feel it? I haven't felt that emotion for a long time. So many think I'm happy but they don't see how fake I am. I talk about how all these girls put so much makeup on, so it makes them fake but I never realized I was as fake as them. I put on a smile as fake as fiction.

No one really has gotten the chance to see the true me. I'm not blaming anyone for that, I take full responsibility. I just don't want to let people in, it's harder than it looks. People think it's so easy to talk about themselves, but for me I have a full 14 years to tell. I haven't really told my story. My best friend doesn't even know everything, I trust her with my life but something inside me just makes me push the one person who cares dearly for me away. Every relationship or friendship I almost have, I find an excuse to run away. Until previously, I met this guy who I eventually fell for, he told me " Why push people away when you'll hurt them and yourself." I haven't stopped thinking about those words. After a week I finally have the answer. I rather run away in the beginning then to fall hard and fall first and to lose everything I've been working so hard to get back.

Through the last few years I've noticed that not only are people fake but humanity itself is fake. No one respects each other anymore, no one lets people be who they want to be, especially nobody lets themselves be who they want to be. We are scared to be bold, scared to dress the way we want to, love who we wanna love, or even follow our dreams. Humanity disgusts me, sadly it just gets worse. I would hate to bring a kid in the world who has to deal with disrespect everyone has.

I think about how fake I can be and I don't take the time to even think about the people who care about me and how much more they could appreciate me or how much they disrespect me. I want to be able to to not care if someone hates my flaws and care about those who love them. I grew up thinking I had to be miss perfect and I had to be happy every day. All my teachers, older adults, even my parents would see my smile and tell me about how beautiful and real it was. They would say how I was constantly "happy", and could put a smile on my face no matter the situation. I laugh at that everyday, thinking about how fake that is. As I think about that, I despise myself. How could I be so fake? Why am I so fake? Why can't I stop?

I'm pretty sure I was fake for so long that I've adapted to being that way. I don't really know who I'm supposed be. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I don't even know who I am at this very moment. Adults have told me that High School is the time to discover who you are and who you want to be, they say you have a lot of time. The way I see it is that I have 3 years left, and I'm supposed to start looking at colleges after next year. The years go by faster and faster, I can't seem to keep up anymore. How the heck am I supposed to find out what I want to do after High School when I don't even know what I want to be today.

Everyday I feel myself with guilt that I was fake for so long. If I was who I wanted to be years ago I wouldn't have to hide when someone tried to get close to me. I want to be able to be who I want to be, all that I know is that I don't want to feel unhappy any longer. I'm on an adventure to find myself, whether that is gonna be tomorrow, two weeks from now, or two years from now.