Ham, Mal, and the Uppity Elephant

Chapter One

The splatter of raindrops on a car at two in the morning is not an ideal background noise when you're trying to sleep. Why am I trying to sleep in a car, you ask? You see, I'm not rich. Most people aren't, although compared to me they probably are. My car is the only thing I can afford right now, and the only reason I haven't sold it is because it was my dad's, and I practically grew up in that thing. Out of all the change that's occurred in my life so far, that car is the only thing that's stayed consistent throughout it all.

Even though I can barely afford gas, I keep the car. After all, it does give me a place to sleep. And yes, before you ask, I do in fact have my license. No need to worry about me breaking the law because I'm driving illegally, but that's about as much as I can guarantee as far as illegal stuff goes.

My name is Abraham. I'm seventeen years old. I have shaggy blond hair that hasn't been cut in a year or two and sky blue eyes. I'm also shorter than a lot of people, so I'm generally considered harmless. Haha, me, harmless. Can you believe it? I can be pretty intimidating when I want to be. Okay, maybe not so much, but I can't help my appearance.

This is the story of how two misfits lose an elephant (all Mal's fault), accidentally become kings, and ruin everything without even trying. And you thought your life was insane.

But of course, where I'm starting the story it's just me. I haven't done anything wrong (other than maybe break a few laws and go to juvenile detention once or twice), and I'm living a not-so-ideal life peacefully. The downpour isn't exactly helping, but beggars can't be choosers.

As I'm trying to readjust my position on the car seats to get more comfortable, something moving outside catches my eye. I look up, and see a stranger in a trench coat staring at me from across the parking lot I was parked in. Now, I'd like to think I'm not easily scared. But this was terrifying. This was the kind of stuff they made movies about; as soon as you blink, he appears closer than before. So my immediate reaction was to maintain eye contact and not blink.

When he realized I was looking at him, he waved. A stranger standing outside in the pouring rain wearing a trench coat and giving off a stalker-ish vibe just waved at me. At that point, I didn't know how I should feel. Then he started walking towards me.

Now, I'm not stupid. I know when I need to start my car and get out of a situation. This should have been one of those times, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to grab the keys. So I just sat there like an idiot and watched as the guy got closer and closer to me.

When he reached my car, he started talking to me. It sounded something like: "Who weed place pay?" I'm pretty sure that's not what he said, but his voice was muffled because of the closed windows. I did what any logical and reasonable person would do and rolled down the window.

"Do you need a place to stay?"

Okay, so that wasn't what I expected to hear. I may or may not have stared at him blankly, to the point where he repeated the question and actually waved his hand in front of my face.

"Um, what?" I asked dumbly. The guy sighed and I swear I saw him roll his eyes from beneath his hood (and yes, he was wearing a hooded trench coat. Why? I have no clue, ask the author. I don't make these decisions).

"My name is Malachi, and I couldn't help but notice you were sleeping in your car in a parking lot. That's illegal, by the way. Do you need a place to stay?"

"Um, no? I'm perfectly comfortable - er, content - in my car. I have plenty of blankets." I honestly didn't know what to say. How was I supposed to answer that question? 'Nope, I've been sleeping out of this baby for years, it's not half bad once you get used to it'?

Malachi pulled down his hood so that I could see him better, despite the heavy rain. "Well, it's still illegal. Come on, my house is plenty big enough. If you want to leave in the morning, you can. But you'll catch hypothermia if you stay out here, even with your four blankets." He was a quick counter, I'll give him that.

"And how do I know you won't tie me up and torture me for a few years before you get bored of me and kill me?"

"What?"

"Never mind. What I'm trying to say is why should I trust you? You were acting very stalker-ish and creepy a minute ago when you were watching me from across the parking lot. That doesn't exactly give off a trustworthy vibe, you know." Apparently, he hadn't thought of that.

"Oh, erm... Never judge a book by its cover?" he supplied awkwardly.

I actually snorted at that. "If you don't want to come off as a creep then you probably shouldn't look like one. That's on you, not me."

"I'll have to remember that next time I go out and offer someone a place to stay because I'm a decent person," he said, and I couldn't figure out whether he was being sarcastic or not.

Before I had a chance to come up with some witty comeback, a loud clap of thunder shook the ground, and I nearly jumped out of my skin, accidentally slamming on the car horn in my panic. Then I started hyperventilating, because I seriously hate loud noises. It's a good thing I know how to handle situations like these. Mostly.

After a few moments, I remembered that I wasn't alone and played it off like the cool guy I was (I don't care what Mal says, it absolutely did not take me four minutes to calm down and regain my composure).

"Heh, oops." Oh yeah, real smooth Abraham. Real smooth.

Malachi took a good long look at me and sighed to no one in particular: "I'm really going to regret this, aren't I?" Before I had a chance to ask him what he was talking about, he reached in through the window and snatched my car keys from the center console.

"Hey man, not cool! I need those!"

He held them up tauntingly, as if daring me to try and take them back. "Come with me to my house and I'll give them back. I'm not going to let you sleep out here like this." Oh no, this was turning into one of those 'I'm going to make you miserable but for your own benefit' kind of situations. God, I hated those situations.

Groaning, I threw my hands up in the air in defeat. "Fine! Have it your way! But as soon as the sun comes up, I'm out of there," I said, shooting him a glare that he shrugged off.

"You forgot to tell me your name."

"Abraham. I swear, if you call me Ham so much as one time..."

"Okay fine, Ham."

"Gah!" I complained, throwing my hands up in the air again. This would be a long night.