The Dork and her Teddy Bear

Chapter 1

 It was the summer before my junior year. I spent that whole summer at home with my younger siblings and my mother. I didn't get out much, not from lack of desire to just from the simple fact that my mother, as "concerned" as she may be, wouldn't allow it. So I spent my time in my room alone, lost amongst my thoughts. I grew bored most days, bored enough to spend a day cleaning house. Other days though I'd grow depressed. See that summer wasn't  like any other. I had just ended my year long relationship with a boy I once thought I loved. Loved enough to consider giving him my virginity, and even coming real close to doing it, if that gives you any clue. But thank god that didn't happen. I had initially broken up with him over the simple fact that he wanted sex more than he wanted me. Yeah, real simple fact.  He cried and led on about how he would change and show me how much he cared. His words admittedly gave me pause. I thought to myself "well maybe he will change, maybe I should  just stay." But I'm here to tell you now if any man tells you AFTER you break up that he'll change, he's lying his pretty little ass off. He doesn't want change, at all. See change will come from breaking up, he knows that but doesn't want that. But he sees that YOU want change, you're making a change and in his desperate hopes he cries out for change with you. But just trust your decisions, trust that you're making the right choice for you. And that's what I did, unapologetically, I cut my ties to him. I'm not here to say it wasn't hard, I mean there I was looking at a guy who once told me he'd never cry over anything, yet here he was crying over me. Little old me. It was painstakingly hard. Especially that night when every memory came fluttering back in, like moths to an open window, there were just swarms of every good time spent with him. I spent my whole weekend fighting myself from texting him and telling him I made a mistake. I spent my whole weekend doubting myself. Maybe I was being too rash, I didn't really think stuff through. What if I regret this? What if he was my 'one'? I returned to school that Monday, and true to his fashion he was nowhere to be seen. Another reason I broke it off? He never wanted to come to school, not even to see me, not even if I asked him to. I walked the halls alone that day, which I was mostly used to, but now I had a lonely heart to accompany me. I had to answer questions like "Did you guys really break up?" "Wait how long had it been?" "What could have broken you two up?" "Aren't you gonna miss him?" all day long. I mostly kept my answers short and sweet, anything to end the conversation as quick as possible. Or I let my best friend answer for me. She was a good friend like that, or at least I thought.  Around lunch that day I began to notice something about my best friend. I knew her for 5 years, so I knew when she was keeping something from me. And I began to notice she was hiding something right then. Another thing about my best friend? Even if she was hiding something she can't do it for long, she would always tell me eventually. So after lunch is when she finally came up to me and said the words I'd be waiting for. "I gotta tell you something..... but you have to promise not to be mad." Okay not exactly the words I had been waiting for, I wasn't sure what she was gonna say that could possibly make me mad. But I was interested enough to find out. So, of course, I "promised" knowing full well if it did make me mad I would be breaking that promise with no hesitation. She went back and forth for a few moments, arguing with herself on whether or not she should really tell me until I finally said "You're making me mad now and you haven't even told me yet, just tell me what it is." or something along those lines. She muttered to me something about how she "didn't want to lose his trust." His trust. Those words let me know automatically it was about my boyfriend...Well, ex-boyfriend. When we started dating, he and my best friend developed a relationship all on their own, they called each other "twin" even. It was a relationship that I had grown jealous of, for he'd tell her stuff that he didn't even bother telling me. There was many a time I accused him of liking her, to which he denied to the fullest. My friend kept fidgeting on about telling me and then got real quiet. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "You-know-who texted me Saturday night" I waited for her to continue rather than say anything. She eventually blew out a breath and continued. "He texted me and we had a long conversation. He told me something that I know is gonna make you mad." I still didn't say anything, I had developed this bad feeling in the pit of my gut and I feared if I opened my mouth even to speak, I'd throw up.  "He told me....he's always liked me. That he had feelings for me even before you two started to go out and that he always wanted to know how it would feel to kiss me." Always. Always. That word 'always' swirled in my mind over and over. I flipped it sideways and backward. ALWAYS. When we were kissing outside of school he wanted to kiss her. When he was telling me he wanted to be with me forever he really meant her. HER. So why her? Why was it 'always' her?? I started to block out whatever my friend was saying and started really taking a good look at her. If I was being honest with myself, she was a 10 while, I'm little more than a 5. A dead center average of 5. I wasn't really ugly but I wasn't the prettiest neither. My friend, however, was the perfect package. She was about 5 foot and was curvy in all the right places. I was a grand 5 foot 10, taller than most boys and almost all girls. I had curves too but most of it was just fat. She had a little button nose where I had a schnozz. She had plump, full lips where I had two little strips. She had naturally arched brows where I had two caterpillars. She had nice mocha colored skin where mine was lost somewhere in between almost tan and ghostly pale. Needless to say, you can see why her sudden news made me instantly insecure.  I tuned back into what she was saying just in time to hear "we talked all night about it, I'm really sorry." My mind raced ahead to find a coherent enough question, the first thing out of my mouth was "so you like him too then?" She got this mock-disgusted look on her face. "You think I'd ever date him? He was your boyfriend I never do something like that to you." she said in an offended tone. Yeah, cause SHE should be offended right now. "Well let me see your guys' messages then." Her face, I noticed, instantly drained of color. "I can't let you see them...I promised him I wouldn't tell you and I've already said too much." Which was fine by me. I didn't want to hear any more after that anyways. So I walked away from her under the pretense that I was "just fine" and was just gonna go to the bathroom.  She 'couldn't tell me' cause she promised HIM. She'd known me for years, years, claimed me as her sister but his trust was more important to her to keep. What was so important about him? What was soo important to hide? What else was discussed between them? So many questions swirled in my mind and under them all was one major question...Did he ever really love me then? I thought he had, I thought he woulda done anything for me. But would he have really? Or did I just create an ideal version of him? One that would do anything and be anything for me. I didn't have any answers and admittedly I still don't. But one thing I did know, is that I was not gonna let myself be screwed over again. I dropped all contact with my best friend and anyone associated with her and my ex both. I started hanging out with me, myself and I until school ended. Which leads me back to why I was so depressed come summer. I realized I was about to start my 3rd year with no friends, no boyfriend and a completely diminished view of myself. Yep, I hate to admit it but all of what happened made me hate myself. I couldn't stand to look at me. I wasn't good enough for myself because I hadn't been good enough for him. Pretty screwed up I know but anyone whose been in that situation knows that's exactly what you get to eventually. "Why wasn't I good enough" was the only thing I wondered.