My Kind of Love

January 16th, 2015

Dear Diary:

You know those days where you wake up and just know exactly how shitty your day is going to be?

I do.

Today, I woke up already knowing that somehow Lucas is going to do something that will probably be because mom either forgot something or because he was acting out because he just does not know how to exactly... deal I guess.

It's understandable, I mean I get it. I believe grief works differently with each person. It's like taking drugs, when you take that first puff of the joint, you don't know how the high is going to affect you. Either you could be annoyingly fucking happy or you could be really fucking quiet where you are paranoid to the point where you don't fucking know if you're being a freak or you think you're being a freak because you're just that fucking high.

Anyways, I got up this morning and one glance at my phone, I knew that today was going to be the reason why I am going to fucking drink my ass to forget just how horrible this day was.

Right, so getting to the point...

This morning, I woke up with only a few hours of sleep. Work last night was busy and by the time I got home, I couldn't even stop yawning without my eyes watering. My phone was vibrating and I frowned. It was only 7:15 in the morning and I know that mom doesn't wake up until it was safe enough for her to wake up without feeling last night.

Lucas Spencer Calling...

I frowned, why would Lucas be calling me this early in the morning?

"Hello?" I Winced at how raspy and tired my voice sounded.

"Lilah," I knew then. I knew that we were back to the old ways of when he first started dealing with his grief. "C-can you come over?"

fuck

"Lucas, how much did you drink?"

it was only 7 in the fucking morning.

Quickly getting up, holding my phone between my ear and using my shoulder to hold it in place, I grabbed my panties and put them on, finding my tights and my long loose red flannel I headed for the bathroom.

"Lucas, listen... I'm coming ok. Please do-don't do anything stupid okay? I'm coming." I hung up and brushed my teeth all that.

Pulling my crazy tangled dirty blonde hair into a bun, I grabbed my keys and purse and rushed out.

Lucas lived 5 blocks away from me.

Although we were twins, we were growing apart. I mean, if either of us called each other and asked for each other, we would be there in a heartbeat. But... ever since dad and Mary... I've been losing him slowly. He lived with me shortly after that but slowly we both realized that with me helping him and walking around eggshells was not going to help him. He grew tired of me and I slowly started getting agitated with him.

Now, he lives 5 blocks away from me. It's close enough for me to drop in and check in on him but he is far enough for both of us to have the space we need because we both know that after being around for too long we both feel suffocated.

Gasping for air as I take the last step up to his apartment, I shake my head. Okay, so maybe running those 5 blocks was not a good idea but what can I say? Sister duties call.

I insert my key that my brother had gotten made for me and enter the apartment. I am greeted with an awful aroma and a loud sobbing. My heart aches for my brother, for the ache that he feels.