This Has Your Name Written All Over It

LDR SHIT

He won't call

He won't text

By modern standards, he is away

By my standards, he is not mine

Days pass by I hope he sees it the way I do

Stars don't shine

Clouds don't glide

Everything is moving slow

Changing colors of the sky is an aching desire

Because time would will him to appear

But he hasn't called yet

He hasn't texted yet

And I'm waiting

I'm waiting with the weight of uncertainty

His hands haven't marked mine yet

His scent, I can't sense inside my memory

His voice, there is no time to have it permanently say my name

I don't own him

And I can't feel the pleasure of being his

And that leaves those nights

Those nights that sing to me saying I'm missing someone that I have no right to

But they say he's fine

Maybe there's no wifi

Maybe there's no signal

Maybe he's just busy

With what

With who

These doubts flood my head

Yet they say he'll be fine

But that's not what my heart says

You can't feel at ease when you're waiting for a person

A person who isn't yours

You can't sleep knowing that he might not come back

He might forget because he was never tied to you

You can't stop asking about him

Him whose feelings can waver in a place full of opportunities

Everyday I stop from texting cause' I'll only hope

And when he answers, there's only a few words

Until this conversation ends, I'm jealous

Jealous of where, what, who, and everything

He isn't mine

He can be someone else's

Or he can just be no one's

But not mine

Dear god, he'll slip away if I flick my tongue once

I'm so scared of liking him

I'm so scared of not liking him anymore too

Because I feel so selfish

Subconsciously pushing the fear and pain away

Unconsciously loosing all these feelings

Once a day, I'll remember those fears

And I'll feel alone

In the middle of chatting adults, I'll feel lost

There will come a day where my heart will be resilient

I will claw at it all night

In the day, I won't remember anymore

I'm scared of this vision

His promises that I counted on

I will break everything for him

Just to keep myself from breaking

Now I see myself wavering

My feelings glide like the clouds

As if the jealousy has eaten itself

As if the doubts burn to nothing

His heart which is mine by his words

In my hands, I squeeze it until I have another

There is no time

There is no space

Maybe he is missing you so much

Maybe he too, is hurting

Words we exchange even in rare occasions are empty

To me, his company is slowly demeaning in my eyes

Those stickers he sends become obsolete

And trust me reader

I never wanted to be that person

That person who can't hold on to the pain

They say it's good to let go of things that hurt you

But there are those seconds when things were never clear

And maybe he would come back

Maybe he'll whisper those words of love again

And when that time comes

My eyes won't hope for his hands entwined with mine anymore

My memory won't strive no memorize his scent anymore

And worse my heart would cease to reach out for his love anymore

Until in the end, I'll hurt him

Until in the end, we just wrote a promise that only made each of us hope

Hope to the point that I just gave up

Giving up never felt so painful

Because we never saw each other before we walked

In this gap between us are the temptations

In this gap between us are the seconds we could have held in the spaces in between my back to his chest

In this gap between us are the doubts and the missing that drove us both crazy

Seems that I have driven to the extreme till I'm exhausted

Our sentiments become just rattled words

Rattled words become usernames that are just part of other usernames

Until we depend on just hoping, a circumspection that he's ok

Now we sit and we write about each other

Wondering what could have been

Wondering if we should try once more

But my heart has yet to calm down

If he won't call

If he won't text

My hands will reach out

And I'll tell him

"This isn't working anymore"

And it ends with the word we always dreaded

After all that time sending promises

One word will burn everything down

"Sorry"