It's not graffiti if it comes off in the rain..

Twas the night before Turkey Day...

Hey guys! Sorry it’s taken me so long to upload, I’ve been distracted with the shinning, and hand sowing my mom a Thanksgiving flag that proudly flies over our yard at the moment, please excuse my absence. :3

Dear wattpaderss,

I’ve decided that I have way too much pressure on my shoulders, with ‘choosing’ when I go to my dad’s, and trying to keep everyone happy, to keeping my friend, who I happen to love, from killing himself. I never really know who to talk to or what to do. Not too long ago my dad agreed to let me move and give me the choice to choose whether I went to his house or not. I hate it at my dad’s. I hate it at my dad’s brother’s. I hate it at my gram’s. I just don’t like it at my dad’s at all. Nothing good ever comes from it. I have never been happy about being there, at all. But, I never want to upset anyone, so I always go anyway. Or if I don’t want to go, I hate telling him I’m not going because he gets this sound of voice and it just depresses me. I don’t think I can really do anything about the fact that I hate making people upset. Yet I hate being there. I’m assuming I will have to get over that sooner or later.

So, I bet you all want to know about my friend..I’m kind of pondering if I should tell you guys or not. I don’t want anyone I know to read this and confront me about it; even though I’m pretty quiet about my name and all. Well, I guess I’ll tell you guys.

One day I was being foolish on a website and said I love you to a stranger. In my defense, I was telling it to everyone and I expected this person to disconnect; but he didn’t. He kept talking to me, we eventually added each other on Facebook and we started ‘dating’, via texts. I live way in the South and he lived (lives) way in the North. I can’t really explain what tempted me to do all this, but I had never felt any better (I had been in a pit of depression before). We kept this up, constantly telling each other we loved one another and promising we wouldn’t leave each other. But one day it all broke down, and he left me for someone in his state. It’s quite understandable, why would anyone want to date someone so far away, when you could have someone so close? Of course I was happy that he had found someone there, but I was horrified that he had left me. Well, time went by and I made up with him and became friends with him. Not long afterwards, (about 1-2 months? Maybe 3? Probably not though…) The girl left him. ( I never really liked her; she was always telling him that she couldn’t hang out with him or talk to him because she was busy, but of the time she did have to talk to him all she would talk about is how much she couldn’t talk to him.) The problem was, he really liked her (still does). Now he is still trying to get over her…but back to where we were. After about a month or 2 of him trying to get over her, we kind of started ‘dating’ again, that didn’t last long, but I kind of fell for him; which is kind of odd, seeing as we only ‘dated’ for about 3 days this time.  We promised we would go to the same college though. Although, not long afterwards he told me he was going to a different college.  I don’t really know how to really put into words how stressful this can be now. Now he is extremely depressed and misses she-who-shall-not-be-named. He misses her so much and he thinks that he will never been loved again that he threatens to kill himself. I keep trying to get him to not want to, but it’s getting so hard without telling him that I still like him. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I kind of feel like a bitch for even complaining about it when he is the one with the problems. I try to help him, I really do, but sometimes I don’t know what to say. I know that if I tell him that I love him he will get awkward and he’ll tell me that he can’t handle long-distant relationships. Or, he will tell me he doesn’t like me back. Sometimes I think that him telling me he doesn’t like me would be the best option. I just never really know what to do. I told him that I needed time to get over him, so in a way I have told him I like him..but I only lasted a week without missing him so bad that I couldn’t stand it. So now I just have these awkward-ish conversations about him thinking no one loves him and that no one will ever love him. It’s getting out of hand.